I've lost 76.4 lbs.
Insane.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
What I've learned since 2007: Part 1
1. I know why I abused my body for all those years.
I can’t speak for everyone because the reasons overweight people abuse food are as unique as people are unique, but I know why I abused food. I could have chosen drugs or gambling or sex addition or whatever, but I chose (primarily) food. Once I discovered the core issue (which funnily enough was in front of my face, manifesting itself in every aspect of my life and every thought in my head), I was able to chose to address the issue instead of eating to avoid the issue.
Why was I abusing food? I was abusing food because of how much, at the core of my being, I hated myself. I was eating to experience, for a fleeting moment, a respite from my CONSTANT self-loathing. That temporary bliss was the only joy I was able to experience in life (or so I thought).
The depths to which I hated myself were too unbearable to acknowledge or feel. One thousand times each day I was confronted with situations where I didn’t measure up, I didn’t have the approval of others, I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t good, I wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t talented, I wasn’t thin, I wasn’t loveable, and on, and on, and on. The situations were always different but at the core of each situation was the same issue: I didn’t love myself/I was a failure/I wasn’t worthy of love-success-happiness…
My reaction to each of these situations was the same: I would eat to escape. I would feel better. I would finish the food. I would feel worse. Rinse and repeat.
Did eating prevent me from feeling what I was trying not to feel?
No.
Sure, for a moment I could escape through whatever I was eating. I would relish the moment's peace and be thoroughly comforted. But then the frappuccino would be gone, the bag of chips empty, my plate clean, and the feeling that drove me to eat was still there, unaddressed, and compounded by the fact that I now felt TERRIBLE for having over eaten.
By avoiding the primary problem, I created a secondary problem: I was now obese. My weight in turn led to a SLEW of tertiary problems: I couldn’t easily move my body; I was uncomfortable in all clothing that wasn’t made from jersey or stretch material; I was uncomfortable being intimate with my husband; I was uncomfortable being seen in public; I couldn’t cross my legs; etc.
Most importantly, the weight and the issues it created became my SOLE focus. I thought THEY were the REAL issues and had no idea that the PRIMARY issue, the one that had caused this whole mess, was the fact that I did not love myself.
So how did I stop the cycle of hating myself, eating, hating myself for eating, and eating again to have another respite from hating myself?
I finally decided that enough was enough and I wasn’t going to hate myself for one more day.
It wasn’t easy to implement, but I finally decided that I was worthy of my love AS I WAS. I wasn’t going to wait until I fixed every flaw. I was going to love myself even though I was a terrible person, a judgmental person, a smoker, a person with the capacity to be very mean, even though I had a quick temper, even though I didn’t wear the size clothing that I wanted to, even though I didn’t have the approval of the world, and on, and on, and on…
I no longer have to earn my own love. I no longer depend on the love and approval of others to validate me. I love myself as is. Flaws and all.
I can’t speak for everyone because the reasons overweight people abuse food are as unique as people are unique, but I know why I abused food. I could have chosen drugs or gambling or sex addition or whatever, but I chose (primarily) food. Once I discovered the core issue (which funnily enough was in front of my face, manifesting itself in every aspect of my life and every thought in my head), I was able to chose to address the issue instead of eating to avoid the issue.
Why was I abusing food? I was abusing food because of how much, at the core of my being, I hated myself. I was eating to experience, for a fleeting moment, a respite from my CONSTANT self-loathing. That temporary bliss was the only joy I was able to experience in life (or so I thought).
The depths to which I hated myself were too unbearable to acknowledge or feel. One thousand times each day I was confronted with situations where I didn’t measure up, I didn’t have the approval of others, I wasn’t enough, I wasn’t good, I wasn’t beautiful, I wasn’t talented, I wasn’t thin, I wasn’t loveable, and on, and on, and on. The situations were always different but at the core of each situation was the same issue: I didn’t love myself/I was a failure/I wasn’t worthy of love-success-happiness…
My reaction to each of these situations was the same: I would eat to escape. I would feel better. I would finish the food. I would feel worse. Rinse and repeat.
Did eating prevent me from feeling what I was trying not to feel?
No.
Sure, for a moment I could escape through whatever I was eating. I would relish the moment's peace and be thoroughly comforted. But then the frappuccino would be gone, the bag of chips empty, my plate clean, and the feeling that drove me to eat was still there, unaddressed, and compounded by the fact that I now felt TERRIBLE for having over eaten.
By avoiding the primary problem, I created a secondary problem: I was now obese. My weight in turn led to a SLEW of tertiary problems: I couldn’t easily move my body; I was uncomfortable in all clothing that wasn’t made from jersey or stretch material; I was uncomfortable being intimate with my husband; I was uncomfortable being seen in public; I couldn’t cross my legs; etc.
Most importantly, the weight and the issues it created became my SOLE focus. I thought THEY were the REAL issues and had no idea that the PRIMARY issue, the one that had caused this whole mess, was the fact that I did not love myself.
So how did I stop the cycle of hating myself, eating, hating myself for eating, and eating again to have another respite from hating myself?
I finally decided that enough was enough and I wasn’t going to hate myself for one more day.
It wasn’t easy to implement, but I finally decided that I was worthy of my love AS I WAS. I wasn’t going to wait until I fixed every flaw. I was going to love myself even though I was a terrible person, a judgmental person, a smoker, a person with the capacity to be very mean, even though I had a quick temper, even though I didn’t wear the size clothing that I wanted to, even though I didn’t have the approval of the world, and on, and on, and on…
I no longer have to earn my own love. I no longer depend on the love and approval of others to validate me. I love myself as is. Flaws and all.
Monday, April 12, 2010
GET IN LINE!
In my quest to take on more activities that I genuinely enjoy, I have been thinking of little Champagne and the activities SHE enjoyed. In addition to bike riding, little Champagne loved to roller skate. Roller skating? What's that? Is that how the pilgrims got around? Did the frontier folk roller, what was it?, skate?
Needless to say, it is an archaic activity that you can only do indoors. In order to tap into this former love and bring it into 2010, I was going to have to learn how to inline skate.
And don't call it rollerblading.
Most people my age learned how to inline skate at a very young age. I totally missed this window as inline skating was just becoming popular as I was hanging up my roller skates for good. This presents a very interesting dilemma: where can a 31 year old beginner get a lesson so she doesn't break a hip?
After an exhaustive Google search using every combination of terms at my disposal, I came across the following verbiage on the Xtreme Wheels website: "We offer instruction for inline skating and skateboarding. The cost is $20 for a 2 hour session, membership card is required. May stay at the park after lesson is finished at no extra cost. Leave your number at the service desk and we will call you to set up an appointment."
SUCCESS! I call and leave my info. Virginia, the park owner, calls me back to set up an XTREME! Inline skating lesson for, gulp, my kid. I assure her that the lesson is for me. She is taken aback but SUPER accommodating ("you know we're a trick park, right? We specialize in the Xtreme style of skating you see on TV"). We iron out my goals (to not kill myself or anyone else on the bike path) and Chris, one of her instructors, will teach me on Sunday.
Now that I know I'm heading into skate punk land with my bike path goals, I feel like a total ahole. I'm DREADING the lesson but am determined to not let my vanity prevent me from learning from a professional. I enter the skate park on Sunday and it is just as I feared: ramps, skate punks, graffiti, smells like a school's gym, and no one over the age of 25. My tote, Vera Bradley Bag and bike helmet could not be MORE out of place.
Chris skates over, (instinctively doing some kind of XTREME! trick on some kind of rail in the process) introduces himself, and tells me to go get ready. He sits with me on the bench and is SHOCKED that I've never put skates on. I come clean and tell him (1) this situation is completely mortifying for me, (2) I feel completely out of place and (3) we are going to have to take this lesson very lightly or I will never make it through. Now that the air is clear, we take my skates off (since I've NEVER skated) and walk them outside.
After about 10 minutes we have learned two things: I'm a quick learner and my skates SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In spite of all this, I'm having a blast and can't wait to get better skates. At the end of my lesson (I only needed one of the two hours to get all the essential skills), Chris tells me that when I buy new skates he'll take me out for another lesson so I can get used to the speed. I'm really taking to the sport so he recommends aggressive skates as opposed to recreational skates.
Aggressive...I like it.
I go home, wake up my husband and BEG him to go back to the park with me IMMEDIATELY and get the skates. He is totally on board. We go back, get the skates, I have another 10 minute lesson (I told you, this girl is a quick learner), and at this moment my skates and gear are in my car ready for my first lap around Delaware Park. XTREME FITNESS SKATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so hard core.
Needless to say, it is an archaic activity that you can only do indoors. In order to tap into this former love and bring it into 2010, I was going to have to learn how to inline skate.
And don't call it rollerblading.
Most people my age learned how to inline skate at a very young age. I totally missed this window as inline skating was just becoming popular as I was hanging up my roller skates for good. This presents a very interesting dilemma: where can a 31 year old beginner get a lesson so she doesn't break a hip?
After an exhaustive Google search using every combination of terms at my disposal, I came across the following verbiage on the Xtreme Wheels website: "We offer instruction for inline skating and skateboarding. The cost is $20 for a 2 hour session, membership card is required. May stay at the park after lesson is finished at no extra cost. Leave your number at the service desk and we will call you to set up an appointment."
SUCCESS! I call and leave my info. Virginia, the park owner, calls me back to set up an XTREME! Inline skating lesson for, gulp, my kid. I assure her that the lesson is for me. She is taken aback but SUPER accommodating ("you know we're a trick park, right? We specialize in the Xtreme style of skating you see on TV"). We iron out my goals (to not kill myself or anyone else on the bike path) and Chris, one of her instructors, will teach me on Sunday.
Now that I know I'm heading into skate punk land with my bike path goals, I feel like a total ahole. I'm DREADING the lesson but am determined to not let my vanity prevent me from learning from a professional. I enter the skate park on Sunday and it is just as I feared: ramps, skate punks, graffiti, smells like a school's gym, and no one over the age of 25. My tote, Vera Bradley Bag and bike helmet could not be MORE out of place.
Chris skates over, (instinctively doing some kind of XTREME! trick on some kind of rail in the process) introduces himself, and tells me to go get ready. He sits with me on the bench and is SHOCKED that I've never put skates on. I come clean and tell him (1) this situation is completely mortifying for me, (2) I feel completely out of place and (3) we are going to have to take this lesson very lightly or I will never make it through. Now that the air is clear, we take my skates off (since I've NEVER skated) and walk them outside.
After about 10 minutes we have learned two things: I'm a quick learner and my skates SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In spite of all this, I'm having a blast and can't wait to get better skates. At the end of my lesson (I only needed one of the two hours to get all the essential skills), Chris tells me that when I buy new skates he'll take me out for another lesson so I can get used to the speed. I'm really taking to the sport so he recommends aggressive skates as opposed to recreational skates.
Aggressive...I like it.
I go home, wake up my husband and BEG him to go back to the park with me IMMEDIATELY and get the skates. He is totally on board. We go back, get the skates, I have another 10 minute lesson (I told you, this girl is a quick learner), and at this moment my skates and gear are in my car ready for my first lap around Delaware Park. XTREME FITNESS SKATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so hard core.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Clothes don't make the woman, but they sure do help
So, there was a time when I was more than just my wardrobe. Since then, my discomfort with my size has continued to be compounded by the fact that I didn't own anything cute (or, more importantly, that I felt cute in).
I have since remedied this issue by spending an obscene amount of money (thanks, performance based bonus!) on new clothes. Sure, there was the high of spending money on cute stuff, but there was another perk that I didn't expect: Feeling good about how I look has inspired me to stick with a healthy eating and exercise plan.
Who knew?
I have since remedied this issue by spending an obscene amount of money (thanks, performance based bonus!) on new clothes. Sure, there was the high of spending money on cute stuff, but there was another perk that I didn't expect: Feeling good about how I look has inspired me to stick with a healthy eating and exercise plan.
Who knew?
Monday, September 7, 2009
Cruising
For a while I've been asking God to help me find an activity I genuinely enjoy. I remember a time when I moved my body just for the joy of moving my body. Dance used to be my only outlet in that regard. I've never had to talk myself into attending a dance class. I go because I love it. Similarly, I've never had to push myself in a dance class. I work hard because that's what dance class requires. Because dance class only happens once each week, it wasn't really filling the fitness void in my life.
While on vacation last week in Isle of Palms, SC, I discovered a love for bike riding. From the moment we returned I've been desperate to purchase a bike and was ELATED to purchase one on Saturday. Since picking it up Sunday morning, I've wanted nothing more than to spend all my time on my new bike.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to cruise all day and all night. My butt gets sore and my legs get tired. I'm an old lady and can only take a good ride once a day.
Tomorrow is a work day so I won't be able to head over to the bike path until after business hours. I'm already looking forward to it. I'm excited to get back to the bike path tomorrow not because I'll get a great workout, but because I love riding my bike. This discovery is such an amazing gift for which I am thankful beyond words.
While on vacation last week in Isle of Palms, SC, I discovered a love for bike riding. From the moment we returned I've been desperate to purchase a bike and was ELATED to purchase one on Saturday. Since picking it up Sunday morning, I've wanted nothing more than to spend all my time on my new bike.
Unfortunately, I'm unable to cruise all day and all night. My butt gets sore and my legs get tired. I'm an old lady and can only take a good ride once a day.
Tomorrow is a work day so I won't be able to head over to the bike path until after business hours. I'm already looking forward to it. I'm excited to get back to the bike path tomorrow not because I'll get a great workout, but because I love riding my bike. This discovery is such an amazing gift for which I am thankful beyond words.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
I can do anything
I'm so bored of my dramatic "I'm starting over again" posts, but here is yet another one. Whatever. You only truly fail when you stop trying, right?
The new plan is a four pronged attack being guided by my husband (thanks, honey). Here are the four prongs:
1 - Eat protein at every meal.
2 - Resistance training twice a week.
3 - Cardio thrice a week.
4 - Non-Exercise Physical Activity (NEPA)
I'd never head the term NEPA before, but I was familiar with the concept. NEPA is parking far away from the store, taking the stairs, making multiple trips to take the laundry into the basement (as opposed to trying to carry everything in one trip), etc.
I'm also supposed to take fish oil, a multivitamin, and drink lots of water daily. I keep forgetting the fish oil and vitamin, but I'm incorporating so many changes that I can't be expected to remember everything. It will get more natural as time passes.
So far, so good.
I've decided not to weigh myself. Ever. A disappointing weigh in totally derails me. Instead, we're taking one measurement, every week, and I will use that measurement to "measure" (I'm so witty) my progress. The measurement I've picked is my calf measurement. A high calf measurement is less devastating than a high waist measurement. Not to mention the fact that, once my calves reach a certain size, I can reward myself with a new pair of boots! This measurement gauges my progress and provides me with a goal...I LOVE MULTITASKING!
So that's all the gossip I have for now.
The new plan is a four pronged attack being guided by my husband (thanks, honey). Here are the four prongs:
1 - Eat protein at every meal.
2 - Resistance training twice a week.
3 - Cardio thrice a week.
4 - Non-Exercise Physical Activity (NEPA)
I'd never head the term NEPA before, but I was familiar with the concept. NEPA is parking far away from the store, taking the stairs, making multiple trips to take the laundry into the basement (as opposed to trying to carry everything in one trip), etc.
I'm also supposed to take fish oil, a multivitamin, and drink lots of water daily. I keep forgetting the fish oil and vitamin, but I'm incorporating so many changes that I can't be expected to remember everything. It will get more natural as time passes.
So far, so good.
I've decided not to weigh myself. Ever. A disappointing weigh in totally derails me. Instead, we're taking one measurement, every week, and I will use that measurement to "measure" (I'm so witty) my progress. The measurement I've picked is my calf measurement. A high calf measurement is less devastating than a high waist measurement. Not to mention the fact that, once my calves reach a certain size, I can reward myself with a new pair of boots! This measurement gauges my progress and provides me with a goal...I LOVE MULTITASKING!
So that's all the gossip I have for now.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Stress
Auditions are coming up soon. I knew that and was totally fine with it until I received the email inviting me to callbacks. Now I'm in a big gay panic about auditions.
It's so weird. Suddenly I'm totally inadequate and unacceptable.
I was looking through performance pictures on Facebook of my friends who are frequently cast. It was upsetting. I miss it. I wish I didn't.
I'm not on the scene. I don't hang out with the theater crowd socially. Basically, I'm not networking so I'm not on the radar of the people who make the decisions. I rarely get cast and every year, I audition on the off chance that a job offer will actually come my way. I haven't done a show since 2007 and my track record sucks.
I have no control over it. I never know what they're looking for so I can't automatically assume that they're not looking for me. It would be easier to do that if occasionally they realized that they are, in fact, looking for me.
It's so weird. Suddenly I'm totally inadequate and unacceptable.
I was looking through performance pictures on Facebook of my friends who are frequently cast. It was upsetting. I miss it. I wish I didn't.
I'm not on the scene. I don't hang out with the theater crowd socially. Basically, I'm not networking so I'm not on the radar of the people who make the decisions. I rarely get cast and every year, I audition on the off chance that a job offer will actually come my way. I haven't done a show since 2007 and my track record sucks.
I have no control over it. I never know what they're looking for so I can't automatically assume that they're not looking for me. It would be easier to do that if occasionally they realized that they are, in fact, looking for me.
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