...but not as stinker as being pregnant.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR CRAMPS!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
OA - nothing stinker about it.
After that HUGE therapy session, I still decided to go to an OA meeting. I'm so glad I did. My husband, being the amazing pillar of support that he is, wanted to go, too. While he doesn't suffer from personal food issues, he DEFINITELY suffers from my personal food issues.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
Therapy - You should be in it, too.
Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
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