We're only getting on the scale once a week. The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 203
Lbs Lost: 7
Current Weight: 203
Lbs Lost: 7
Lbs From Goal Weight: 68
Saturday, September 29, 2007
Friday, September 28, 2007
I'm off the charts!
I finally got pinched and now I know how fat I am. Well, that's not entirely true.
My number is so high it's not even ON the chart. Yeah... try to top THAT!
Based on the sequence of the chart, we estimated that my body fat percentage is somewhere in the 40% range.
Unfortunately, in this game you don't want the high score.
My number is so high it's not even ON the chart. Yeah... try to top THAT!
Based on the sequence of the chart, we estimated that my body fat percentage is somewhere in the 40% range.
Unfortunately, in this game you don't want the high score.
WE BOUGHT A BEDROOM SET!!!
I'm so excited! You have NO IDEA how long I have wanted a big girl bedroom set. I'm on SUCH a furniture high right now.
Here's a link to our:
Bed, Bedside Tables, Dresser, and Chest.
IT'S SO PRETTY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVE!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Here's a link to our:
Bed, Bedside Tables, Dresser, and Chest.
IT'S SO PRETTY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVE!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
My Journal
I was reading through my journal last night and it offered some additional insight on my mental state last year (when I was "dieting" and getting super thin).
1 - I was fucking crazy.
In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.
2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.
Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.
3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.
I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.
Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.
But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.
1 - I was fucking crazy.
In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.
2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.
Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.
3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.
I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.
Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.
But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Why do I perform?
Sometimes I wonder why I perform. This is one of those times.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
So how do you gain 85lbs in 10 months?
Well, I'll tell you.
There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:
1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.
As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.
2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.
I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.
In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.
Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.
3 - I became completely obsessed.
When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?
I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.
Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.
4 - When I fell, I fell HARD
I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.
When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...
5 - I eat so I don't have to feel
I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.
While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.
Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.
Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.
There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:
1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.
As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.
2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.
I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.
In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.
Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.
3 - I became completely obsessed.
When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?
I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.
Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.
4 - When I fell, I fell HARD
I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.
When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...
5 - I eat so I don't have to feel
I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.
While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.
Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.
Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.
Getting Pinched
Not by the fuzz, by my husband, silly :)
Skillfully wielding calipers, my husband will pinch me and then I'll know how much fat I have.
I'm confident, since nothing could be hotter than pinching your wife's fat, we'll have sex immediately after.
I'll be sure to post the horrific results. Of the caliper pinching, not the sex.
Perverts.
Skillfully wielding calipers, my husband will pinch me and then I'll know how much fat I have.
I'm confident, since nothing could be hotter than pinching your wife's fat, we'll have sex immediately after.
I'll be sure to post the horrific results. Of the caliper pinching, not the sex.
Perverts.
Cheat to Lose
I have not yet mentioned that the diet we're following is called "Cheat to Lose". The basic concept is this: You're on the diet (a very reasonable diet at that) 6 days each week. On day 7, you cheat.
There are several reasons why this approach works. There's science behind it (that I won't bore you with) and it keeps the fires of your metabolism burning. I like it because when I'm having a craving, I get alot of solace out of the fact that I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day.
Every time I've successfully lost weight, this is the general approach I've taken. I didn't know this book existed, but I've always taken one cheat day each week. What's different this time? If this is the approach I've always taken, why do I need a book? Well, as I mentioned before, I suffer from anorexia (bet you've never met a 210lb anorexic before). Here is a brief description of how all my past diets have played out:
- I want to lose a few pounds (or alot of weight) so I start my diet. Traditionally, there has been an external motivator such as my wedding or an acting role. Initially, I'm strict in the kinds of foods I eat on my non-cheat days (no junk, low salt, as few processed items as possible, tons of water, etc) and I'm eating enough calories to lose 1-2lbs/week.
- A few weeks or months pass. I've had consistent success with my moderate approach, but start to gradually restrict the types and amounts of foods I eat. I feel good about how "good" I'm being. I feel like I'm in "the zone". I'm committed to my diet and that's why I'm so strict. The stricter I am, the more powerful and in control I feel. This leads to...
- Very low caloric intake. Since the majority of calories I am consuming come from protein and fat, I'm somewhat satiated and the weight is coming off very easily. Unfortunately, 700-1,000 calories a day is NOT healthy. It's also not something a person can keep up forever.
- Once the external motivator is gone (ie: my wedding is over, the show closes, whatever) I have an increasingly difficult time maintaining my extremely low-cal diet. That motivator was the wind in my sails, the fuel in my motivational gas tank. Inevitably, I fall off the wagon and gain all the weight back (and then some).
The reason we're using a book this time is because I need someone else to tell me what to eat on my non-cheat days. This time, no matter how tempting, I'm not going to be any more restrictive than this book recommends. When the temptation comes, and it inevitably will, I'm going to FORCE myself to eat as much as the book suggests. That will prevent me from starving myself again (I hope). My vigilance and the books guidelines (combined with the fact that my husband knows my pattern and is monitoring me) should keep me on the straight and narrow.
There are several reasons why this approach works. There's science behind it (that I won't bore you with) and it keeps the fires of your metabolism burning. I like it because when I'm having a craving, I get alot of solace out of the fact that I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day.
Every time I've successfully lost weight, this is the general approach I've taken. I didn't know this book existed, but I've always taken one cheat day each week. What's different this time? If this is the approach I've always taken, why do I need a book? Well, as I mentioned before, I suffer from anorexia (bet you've never met a 210lb anorexic before). Here is a brief description of how all my past diets have played out:
- I want to lose a few pounds (or alot of weight) so I start my diet. Traditionally, there has been an external motivator such as my wedding or an acting role. Initially, I'm strict in the kinds of foods I eat on my non-cheat days (no junk, low salt, as few processed items as possible, tons of water, etc) and I'm eating enough calories to lose 1-2lbs/week.
- A few weeks or months pass. I've had consistent success with my moderate approach, but start to gradually restrict the types and amounts of foods I eat. I feel good about how "good" I'm being. I feel like I'm in "the zone". I'm committed to my diet and that's why I'm so strict. The stricter I am, the more powerful and in control I feel. This leads to...
- Very low caloric intake. Since the majority of calories I am consuming come from protein and fat, I'm somewhat satiated and the weight is coming off very easily. Unfortunately, 700-1,000 calories a day is NOT healthy. It's also not something a person can keep up forever.
- Once the external motivator is gone (ie: my wedding is over, the show closes, whatever) I have an increasingly difficult time maintaining my extremely low-cal diet. That motivator was the wind in my sails, the fuel in my motivational gas tank. Inevitably, I fall off the wagon and gain all the weight back (and then some).
The reason we're using a book this time is because I need someone else to tell me what to eat on my non-cheat days. This time, no matter how tempting, I'm not going to be any more restrictive than this book recommends. When the temptation comes, and it inevitably will, I'm going to FORCE myself to eat as much as the book suggests. That will prevent me from starving myself again (I hope). My vigilance and the books guidelines (combined with the fact that my husband knows my pattern and is monitoring me) should keep me on the straight and narrow.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Day One
Ok. So far, so good.
Day one of my new way of eating isn't totally horrible. Granted, my husband is being really amazing and letting me buy tasty things like lamb and scallops. Yeah, he's amazing.
Today was super busy so it was easy to not think about junk food. I'm the queen of binging when I'm bored (or experiencing any kind of emotion). There was no time to be bored today as we were busy little worker bees who clean basements. Our home gym is arriving tomorrow and now there's somewhere to put it.
We didn't weigh in or take "before" pictures yet. I think that is happening sometime before the end of today. Ideally, we were going to weigh in first thing this morning but we spent the night in a hotel (spouses only, no babies) and there was narry a scale in sight.
To hold you over, here's a pic of our babies:
Friday, September 21, 2007
Here we go again...
I am such a statistic.
It's embarrassing, actually.
Since November, 2003 I have gained and lost over 250lbs. This time is going to be different.
A brief history:
1990 - I begin my first diet at the age of 12. It starts our innocently enough.The doctor expresses his concern to my mother as I'm about 20lbs or so overweight for a girl of my age/height. No big deal. Mom will show me how to modify my portions and make healthier food choices. So far, so good...right?
I'm young and active. The weight starts to fall off and the compliments pour in from relatives, teachers, fellow students, dance instructors, you name it. The attention is intoxicating as I've never received attention like this before. The more weight I lose, the more attention I get. You know where this is going...
I develop and eating disorder. I get too thin and the compliments become expressions of concern (from all but my dance instructors). This attention, although negative, fueled the beginnings of what would become a life-long battle with anorexia.
I'm now 29 years old, a wife, mom to 2 beautiful babies, and looking at some very real health issues. Heart problems run in my family and if I keep this up I will not reach the age of 60 (as so many of my relatives before me have not). To consistently gain and loose as much weight as I've been is going to kill me. I choose life :)
This time, I'm taking it slow. This time, I'm shooting for healthy, not skinny. This time, I'm changing for life.
I wanted to document my struggles. Mostly because I have a tendency to become obsessive when I diet. I'm hoping that having this outlet will nip my obsession in the bud. My thoughts will be out of my head and on this blog.
Wish me luck.
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