Conserve Water.

Shower with your spouse :)

I just want to eat it all away...

I'm upset.

My sister called me today and asked me to loan her $1,000. She had fallen behind on bills and needed the money as a bridge until she could get caught up. There was only one condition: I couldn't tell her husband about the loan.

Ok. I don't loan people money. I don't ever want money to come between me and someone I love. If we were going to help it was going to be a gift.

After much discussion with my husband, we decided to give her the money on one condition: she tells her husband about the gift.

She declined our offer of assistance.

This entire situation saddens me for so many reasons.

1 - My sister is hurting. I want her to stop hurting, but if I have to be dishonest to do so, I'm not interested. However, it's still really upsetting that she's hurting.

2 - My sister can't be honest with her husband. I would NEVER hide something like this from my husband. If I'm in a pinch (due to circumstance or my own actions), I KNOW I can call on him for help without the fear of his judgement. I'm human and I make mistakes and that's ok with him. He's also human and makes mistakes and that's ok with me. It's upsetting that my sister feels she has to shoulder the knowledge of this financial burden alone.

3 - My sister is too proud to let her husband think "she can't handle the finances". I hate that her pride is causing her so much pain.

4 - This is so easily remedied, but she won't take the actions necessary to fix it. If she went to her husband and told him what was going on, they could shoulder this burden as a team. Sure, he might be upset that she waited until ends were nowhere near meeting to tell him, but he'll get over it and then they can move forward together. She's so terrified of his disapproval that she'd rather suffer alone and in silence.

This is so upsetting. I just want to eat all of this sadness away.

A Traditional Asian Family

So my husband and I have started walking together. He's always taken daily walks but I've recently started to join him.

It's really romantic: we put our respective iPods on, ear buds in, and walk out the front door. We do not talk. We do not even walk together since his stride is naturally longer than mine.

We look like one of those uber-traditional Asian couples where the wife follows behind the husband at a considerable distance when they're out in public.

These walks are totally kicking my ass. I challenge any of you to keep up with my husband for 30 minutes and not get winded. If you don't get winded, put on a fat suit and THEN try to keep up with him.

As, um, exhilarating as our walks are, I actually enjoy them. The first few songs on my iPod are the toughest because I'm still warming up. Once I'm in the groove, I just try to keep up without breaking into a run.

We must look so silly.

Dying young: totally stinker

I have a seriously unsettling family history of untimely deaths. Well, I guess no death is untimely because you're always going to die right on schedule.

I guess what I have is a family history of dying very young. My father lived the longest...to the ripe old age of 60. Seriously. He died 2 months after turning 60. My grandfather died in his 50's, grandmother died in her 50's, aunt died in her 50's...this is starting to freak me out.

I'm 30. It's totally possible that I've lived the bulk of my life already. I know we can all go at anytime, but accidents aside, I'd like to have a long life with my husband. I wish I wasn't following the same path of poor health that contributed to the early demise of so may of my deceased relatives.

Sterilization is stressful

I had my essure consultation today. I was pleasantly surprised that the Dr. didn't try to talk me out of it. He did stress that it was a permanent form of birth control several times. The more he said it, the more excited I became as the thought of permanent birth control is THRILLING to me.

I'm very upset to learn that there's a 10% chance that, once I'm sedated, the Dr. will be unable to locate my tubes. If he can't locate my tubes, he can't insert the essure implant into them. So there is a chance that I will go to the hospital, be knocked out (by meds and all my co-pays), only to walk out of the hospital a fertile Myrtle.

That makes me sad. I guess it's a chance we'll have to take. Whatever the expense, it's still less expensive than having a kid.

I dreamt last night that I was pregnant. I was SO UPSET. I thought my life was over. I was mourning all the things we'd never be able to do now that I was pregnant. In the dream, I ran into a friend of mine who was unable to successfully carry her 2nd pregnancy to term. She was really upset that I was pregnant and miserable while she was so desperate to be pregnant. I OFFERED HER MY BABY!

Funny that I don't even want kids on a subconscious level.

I really hope the essure procedure is successful.

Shopping for maternity clothes

Now don't get all excited. I'm not knocked up. Just fat.

I had to cave in and purchase some non-work clothes. I went to Target and the only plus size clothes that were fashionable were by Liz Lang. For those of you who don't shop at Target, Liz Lang specializes in maternity fashions.

So while I'm not pregnant, I am, in fact, wearing maternity clothes.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry...

I am more than just my wardrobe...

I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).

Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.

Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.

God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.

Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.

I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.