Carrying so much weight.

I'm so unhappy and I don't understand why. As I've fallen back into not-so-old bad habits, I'm realizing that I prefer (at least on some level) to stumble through life medicating my unhappiness.

I don't even TRY (for any extended period of time) to live a clean life because then I have nothing to get me through my day. Nothing to distract me from who I am and what I've become. I hate this person. I do nothing but think about how I hate being this way.

Then, when things get too unpleasant, I reach for my familiar distractions. I know I'm doing it. I feel myself falling from grace. I don't stop myself. To be numb is such a familiar place. My safe place.

But I am not nurtured when I'm numb. As soon as the "high" wears off (and I'm finding there's no longer a high, only a short period of distraction), I feel just as low as before I reached for comfort. Often even lower.

I know before I numb myself that this process will not lead to happiness, but I am so unhappy that I can't stop myself. That's not true. I can do anything. I won't stop myself because being without ANY comfort is an unbearable thought. If I cannot medicate my pain, what will I do? Feel it? I feel it all day long. I only seek a moment's peace. That is why I want to be numb. I want peace.

I would never end my life. There are too many things I love about this life to let my pain win absolutely. However, I can understand why people do. There comes a time when the pain is so great that all I want is quiet. That is one of the reasons why people, in my opinion, take their lives. They wish for peace.

Victim Free Zone

I am not one to waste my time pursuing relationships with individuals who have no interest in pursuing relationships with me. Why? Because I'm a highly logical person.

If Sally at work consistently blows me off when we have plans and only wants to see me at the holiday party (and by "wants" I mean "we both happen to be there, so we'll chat if forced"), why would I pursue a relationship with her? Answer: I wouldn't.

Life is too short and there are too many things I enjoy. I don't want any of my limited number of days on this earth spent with anyone other than my husband, my friends and my pugs.

Why, then, do I spend every holiday/birthday with people who share my blood but don't actually want to spend time with me? I have no idea. Why should my attitude towards family be any different than my attitude toward Sally at work? Family deserves no special treatment. If Sally's behavior isn't worth tolerating, neither is my family's behavior. It stops today.

April 2nd

Today is my father's birthday. He would have been 63 years old.

I really miss him.

Discrimination

This article sickens me.

I love that employers are all about helping "people" maintain a "life/work balance" as long as those "people" are parents.

As a childfree woman who works in a cubicle, I would be horribly offended if Suzie, who decides to have a child, gets use of an office for 9 months!

Another favorite:

"Scout is so well-adjusted, and people come over all the time to play with her. They jump at the chance to watch Scout if I have a phone call," Hewlett says.

So when you have a phone call and can't take care of your child, other employees who DO want to take care of your child get to take time out of their work day to do so? Since I don't want to babysit for you I guess I'll just sit over here and WORK!

I'm also horrified by:

Many companies balk at the concept of babies at work full time. At Ernst & Young accounting firm, parents can get subsidized, backup child care in their homes.

Why would an office subsidize childcare? I certainly hope there's a comparable subsidy being offered to the employees who chose NOT to have children, but I sincerely doubt it.

Don't even get me started on maternity leave, the increased use of sick days by employees with children, the assumption that I don't really need any premium vacation days (ie: Christmas, etc) since I don't have children, the fact that I could never leave work early to hit the gym but a parent can leave for any myriad of child-related reasons (play, recital, soccer game, whatever)...

Ugh. I guess I am started.