And I lived to tell the tale...

Shopping the other day really sucked. Aunt Flo was on the midnight train to Buffalo so it upset me more than it normally would have. Here's the cool thing: I was super sad, but I didn't drown my sadness in food/use food to numb myself.

That is huge.

I was in pain and I allowed myself to experience that pain. More importantly, being sad didn't kill me (something I'm clearly afraid of).

More proof that I am learning how to deal with life.

Shopping sucks when you're fat

When you're gaining weight, you have to buy new clothes. This sucks as shopping is totally unpleasant when you're fat.

Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.

Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.

With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.

So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.

I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.

It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.

I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.

I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.

Decency

I've mentioned many times in this blog that I have a really hard time committing to a diet/exercise routine long term because I'm such an extremist. I'm either operating at a very hard-core 120% or eating everything in site (because if I can't operate at a very hard-core 120%, what's the point?).

This has made it very difficult for me to be totally committed to OA. Part of the program is picking an eating plan and sticking to it. Well, whenever I have an eating plan I have to be totally hard-core (tuna, cottage cheese, protein powder, lean meats, and very little else) because anything less than this would make my inner-critic have a field day. Can you blame me for postponing this step? I'm actually afraid to go on a diet because not only am I so critical of myself, I also ALWAYS fall back into anorexia eventually.

So what's a girl to do? My friend and I were solving the world's problems over many glasses of wine a few evenings ago. She has been following the Weight Watchers plan for a while now and has been really successful. I've always been so envious that she is able to be happy with her success and not kill herself to be a size 0 (something I've never been able to do). She can just live her life, eat right, exercise, and be in good shape without becoming anorexic or constantly battling an inner-critic. What is her secret???!!!

She told me, and it was seriously life changing.

"I try to have a decent day, everyday"

It's that simple. She doesn't KILL herself at the gym, but she goes several times a week. Every workout doesn't have to be the most balls-to-the-wall workout she's ever had, it just has to be decent. Every meal doesn't have to be the perfect combination of lean meat, "good" carbs and "good" fats, it just has to be decent enough to fit into her daily Weight Watchers points allowance.

WHAT!? I can just be decent? Really? That's INSANE!

This concept has seriously turned me inside-out (in a good way).

So what did I do with this amazing pearl of wisdom? Well, I went home, joined Weight Watchers, had a decent day of eating and completed a decent workout. Imagine what I can accomplish after months/years of decent days.

I am forever in her debt.

Things are going better

I'm trying to monitor my intake without going insane. I've started entering the food I eat and the exercises I do into an online diary. So far it's not freaking me out. I'm actually doing pretty well.

Last night I met some girlfriends out at a local steakhouse. I ate light all day in preparation for what I knew would be a huge meal. I totally ate WAY MORE than my allotted daily calories, but am not freaking out about it. I went over yesterday's calories by 1,400. That's alot, I agree, but instead of starving myself or punishing myself, I've decided to eat 200 fewer calories for the next 7 days to offset this indulgence.

I'm not starving or going crazy, just keeping my weekly calories at the right level. To be sane and logical in response to an indulgence is a huge step for me. Just more proof that prayer and OA are working for me.

Daylight Savings Time

Apparently, today is the day we "spring ahead" one hour. Who knew? I clearly did not. I demonstrated my blatant disregard for the time change by showing up at the end of this morning's OA meeting. I thought it was the beginning of the meeting...

Even though I missed the meeting, my trip downtown wasn't for naught. As I was leaving the meeting, an octogenarian's car was stuck in the parking lot. He was struggling to shovel himself out, so I lent a hand. After I freed his car from the snowbank, he insisted on buying me lunch today (in the form of handing me a $10 bill and telling me to get lunch). I wanted to refuse it, but I think it was more of a dignity thing for him to be able to repay me for my services.

Pretty interesting morning.