So I should be freaking out...

...but I'm not.

I went to the store tonight and had every intention of purchasing more garbage. For whatever reason, as I approached the store I had this sudden, overwhelming desire to make better choices.

I was so motivated that I went home, added today's not-so-great food choices into my weight watchers tracker, weighed myself, and have every intention of making better choices from this moment on.

So far so good.

It's only been like 2 hours, though.

Here's why I should be freaking out: I weigh more than ever. Yes. I've managed to hit another all-time high weight. Since my all-time low in December of 2006, I've gained 97lbs. I've gained a high school aged child. Yes, I'm enormous.

Why am I not freaking out? Because God loves me. I'm perfect exactly as I am.

Because God loves me, I think I'm going to make some changes around here. Actually, I'm just going to believe in God and let Him make the changes. I think He's already gotten started :)

Feeling...different.

I read this book on the recommendation of my counselor. Actually, it was more than a recommendation. She gave me the book (thanks, Elaine!).

I read it, loved it, and am reading it again to catch anything I might have missed. I had no idea I was an approval addict. I always thought of approval addicts as people-pleasers, "yes" people and doormats. Well, I have discovered that I, too, am an approval addict.

How do I seek out approval? I want to get the world's approval for being the thinnest, most talented, best dressed/coiffed/manicured woman on earth. Just like any addict, when I don't have the world's approval I go through withdrawal. Since withdrawal is stinker, I fill THAT void with food, cigarettes and shopping.

So what did I learn from the book? The only person who's approval I need is God's. Guess what? I already have his approval. Also, to hate myself is really terrible because God loves me so much that he gave His son's life for my sins. To hate someone (me) who God loves so much just doesn't make any sense.

This book has really helped me alot. Totally opened my eyes :)

I'm all old and wise now.

No I'm not, but I feel like I'm on the right track.

I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.

I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.

If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.

I finally want to love myself, too.

I'm the fattest 30 year old in WNY

Ugh. I really hate being fat. Why won't I do anything about it? Why won't I get this shit under control?

I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...

I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.

I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.

I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.

Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.

I hate auditions.

I'm 130 years old

I've officially turned 30 and I'm taking the cliche "I'm 30" inventory. I don't pretend to be original.

Here's what's great about being 30:

- Awesome birthday presents! Special birthday girls who marry well get to go here for a 2 day birthday get away. They also get to eat dinner here AND here. If they've been really good, they also get an in room facial and manicure. Thanks, honey!

- My relationship with God continues to grow.

- I have a wonderful family. My husband and dogs bring more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined.

- My true friends are amazing people.

- I really enjoy what I do for a living.

- We have a beautiful home, want for nothing, and live a very comfortable lifestyle. Not to mention the fact that we're finally in a position to really thrive financially.

What's stinker about being 30:

- I'm still so fat. So, so, so fat.

- I still don't love myself.

- If I don't get my eating, etc., under control, my time on this earth is officially 1/2 over (possibly more).

Amazing how the negatives can totally negate the positives.