12 steps - Not stinker at all

So I've been attending OA since the new year. I have to admit, it's going really well. So well, in fact, that I had to share. If you're not familiar with the 12 steps of OA, here they are:

1 - We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I'm currently focusing on step 3. I have handed control of my life, particularly my relationship with food, over to God. What's so cool is, He's definitely taking control. You would think handing control over to God would mean a loss of freedom. In reality, giving control over to God has given me freedom.

The biggest change since God's taken over has been the difference in the tone/thought process of the voice inside myself. Before I asked God to take over, the voice in my head was very critical. If I made a good choice about food, my inner critc would strong arm me into making that good choice with words of encouragemetnt such as "Only a fat person would eat that. Want to be fat? If so, eat up."

Now, when making a decision about food, the voice sounds more like "Fries or yogurt? I'll have the yogurt".

I know that might not seem like a big deal, but it's huge for me. I'm so thankful.

The Witch Doctor

My husband and I are in the middle of a film festival of sorts. It started Sunday night with M. Night Shyamalan's (who in our house is known as M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong) "Lady in the Water". Say what you will, critics, but I LOVED it! Really, really loved it. I was floored to see that it did so stinker in the theaters.

I wouldn't recommend this film to everyone. I mean, if you're cynical and jaded you could very easily pick the ridiculous premise apart. But I had no idea what to expect and just let the movie take me on a ride. A ride that I loved.

Critics were super, um, critical because M. Knight Shyamalan cast himself not in a bit part, but as a fledgling writer who's work would influence a great leader of the future. Critics saw this as hubris, but I saw it, well, I agree with this review from Christian Spotlight:

"The decision of Shyamalan to include himself in the film as one who will change the world is in no way offensive to me. I didn't see it as a sign of arrogance. I actually saw it as a personal confession. He was being vulnerable for us. Opening up his heart and telling us what he desires to be. Kind of like the child that shouts out with no inhibition or fear of misjudgment that he will one day be a police officer, fire-fighter or an astronaut. He will one day make a difference in this world. That is what I took from Shyamalan's performance in this film."

My love of Lady in the Water sparked my desire to see the rest of M. Night Shyamalan's films. So far, I'm not impressed.

Last night we watched "Signs". I'm not super into the whole alien invasion thing. While I did scream out loud at one point, I spent much of the movie unimpressed. What I DID like about the film was that its' ultimate message wasn't about aliens at all. Sure there were crop circles, lights in the sky, and full-on alien encounters, but these were all a backdrop to the journey of the main character, Rev. Graham Hess.

I liked how I felt as the credits started rolling. Other than that, I wasn't super impressed with the film.

The Village is next on the list.

Frustration is stinker

Today I'm feeling very sad and frustrated.

To date, I've been attending weekly OA meetings but have not yet "abstained" from overeating. In order to abstain, OA recommends you have an eating plan and stick to it. This is where I'm stumbling. Here's why:

- I have no idea where to start. I've followed so many eating plans and have stuck to none of them. That's the one thing all my attempted eating plans have in common. There's a myriad of books, websites, information, etc, out there. I have no idea where to go or what to do. All I really want to do is eat healthy, but what does that mean? How do you do that?

- I can't cook. Eating plans in the past have failed, in part, because I can't cook. I end up eating the required foods, but in their naked form. If I needed to eat low-fat/high protein, I ate tons of tuna and cottage cheese. This got old after a few weeks.

- I'm scared of restriction. My history of anorexia and my tendency to restrict in the extreme make me very fearful of making a change in my diet. The pattern has always been the same: I start out strong, I start to cut back (a little at a time), before I know it...I'm starving myself again.

So how do you eat healthy but not measure everything that goes into your mouth? I have no idea.

I could cry.

Acceptance

At today's OA meeting our discussion focused on this passage from the big book:

"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I acceppt that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my {overeating}, I could not stay {abstinent}; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."

This passage really struck me.

Everyday I am constantly reminded by my inner critic and the outside world that I am unacceptable because I am fat. My goal is to make myself acceptable to my inner critic and the outside world (even though I know I'm no more acceptable to myself when not fat).

To hear that everything about me and my life at this moment is exactly as God intends it to be really opened my eyes. I think of this time in my life as a mistake or phase to pass quickly through. Something that needs to be fixed. To hear that is not the case at all... woah. God wants me to be this way today. This is no mistake. Everything is exactly as it should be.

This doesn't mean that I want to stay this way forever. What's cool is, it doesn't matter what I want. I'm already exactly as God wants me to be. This gives me great strength to move forward and overcome my food addiction. Knowing that I don't have to fix anything about myself in order to fight, that I'm just as I should be, that I don't have to hate myself for who I am today...wow.