Cruising

For a while I've been asking God to help me find an activity I genuinely enjoy. I remember a time when I moved my body just for the joy of moving my body. Dance used to be my only outlet in that regard. I've never had to talk myself into attending a dance class. I go because I love it. Similarly, I've never had to push myself in a dance class. I work hard because that's what dance class requires. Because dance class only happens once each week, it wasn't really filling the fitness void in my life.

While on vacation last week in Isle of Palms, SC, I discovered a love for bike riding. From the moment we returned I've been desperate to purchase a bike and was ELATED to purchase one on Saturday. Since picking it up Sunday morning, I've wanted nothing more than to spend all my time on my new bike.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to cruise all day and all night. My butt gets sore and my legs get tired. I'm an old lady and can only take a good ride once a day.

Tomorrow is a work day so I won't be able to head over to the bike path until after business hours. I'm already looking forward to it. I'm excited to get back to the bike path tomorrow not because I'll get a great workout, but because I love riding my bike. This discovery is such an amazing gift for which I am thankful beyond words.

I can do anything

I'm so bored of my dramatic "I'm starting over again" posts, but here is yet another one. Whatever. You only truly fail when you stop trying, right?

The new plan is a four pronged attack being guided by my husband (thanks, honey). Here are the four prongs:

1 - Eat protein at every meal.

2 - Resistance training twice a week.

3 - Cardio thrice a week.

4 - Non-Exercise Physical Activity (NEPA)

I'd never head the term NEPA before, but I was familiar with the concept. NEPA is parking far away from the store, taking the stairs, making multiple trips to take the laundry into the basement (as opposed to trying to carry everything in one trip), etc.

I'm also supposed to take fish oil, a multivitamin, and drink lots of water daily. I keep forgetting the fish oil and vitamin, but I'm incorporating so many changes that I can't be expected to remember everything. It will get more natural as time passes.

So far, so good.

I've decided not to weigh myself. Ever. A disappointing weigh in totally derails me. Instead, we're taking one measurement, every week, and I will use that measurement to "measure" (I'm so witty) my progress. The measurement I've picked is my calf measurement. A high calf measurement is less devastating than a high waist measurement. Not to mention the fact that, once my calves reach a certain size, I can reward myself with a new pair of boots! This measurement gauges my progress and provides me with a goal...I LOVE MULTITASKING!

So that's all the gossip I have for now.

Stress

Auditions are coming up soon. I knew that and was totally fine with it until I received the email inviting me to callbacks. Now I'm in a big gay panic about auditions.

It's so weird. Suddenly I'm totally inadequate and unacceptable.

I was looking through performance pictures on Facebook of my friends who are frequently cast. It was upsetting. I miss it. I wish I didn't.

I'm not on the scene. I don't hang out with the theater crowd socially. Basically, I'm not networking so I'm not on the radar of the people who make the decisions. I rarely get cast and every year, I audition on the off chance that a job offer will actually come my way. I haven't done a show since 2007 and my track record sucks.

I have no control over it. I never know what they're looking for so I can't automatically assume that they're not looking for me. It would be easier to do that if occasionally they realized that they are, in fact, looking for me.

Bad Directions

I hate the world.

I've been spending an offensive amount of money working with a homeopath and chiropractor trying to figure out why I can't lose weight/stick to a weight loss plan. I have been very clear with both specialists that my goals are (1) health that leads to (2) weight loss. I know I can lose weight in unhealthy ways, but any success I have is only temporary. Now that I actually understand that health leads to weight loss, my goal is to be healthy because a healthy person won't be fat.

During my most recent appointment with my homeopath we discussed my eating plan. She suggested I try the Weston A. Price (WAP) method of eating for optimum health. She also added that, when she eats this way, she loses weight.

Ok, sounds good. I do a bunch of research, buy a book, and go shopping for the recommended groceries.

I email her to confirm that it's ok for me to follow this diet 90% of the time. I need SOME wiggle room because I have a life. She assures me that, yes, following this diet 90% of the time is just great.

I will state AGAIN that she knows weight loss is one of my main goals.

This Monday I weighed myself in preparation for my meeting with my chiropractor as he requires me to provide my weight. Much to my surprise, my weight is as high as it was last July when I returned from an out of town wedding. Needless to say, I was very upset that after nearly two weeks of following the WAP guidelines, I was just as heavy as if I'd been eating garbage to my heart's content.

I immediately emailed my homeopath to find out why this happened.

She then changes her story: the WAP way of eating is for optimum health, but eating sugar and carbs (even 10% of the time) can cause weight gain when eaten in conjunction with the WAP diet. For weight loss I should be following the guidelines of the book "Eat Fat, Lose Fat".

WTF??? Not only did I inform her of my goals (not just in passing, mind you, but through hours of sobbing in her office), but I reached out to her to ensure that I could follow WAP 90% of the time. Now I'm told not only do I need to read a different book, but following WAP 90% of the time will cause weight GAIN.

I want to cry. I want to scream. I feel lied to, misled, deceived, cheated, etc. I'm so fucking frustrated.

Why, why, WHY is this so hard?

Wagon...what wagon?

Ugh. I hate starting anything because failing sucks so bad. Things were going well and then, just like that, they weren't going well at all. Here I am again. I'm depressed, tired, craving crappy food, blah, blah, blah....

I'm still working with my chiropracter to get my health in order, but I'm not super into it. I feel like nothing is ever going to work for me so it's difficult to be motivated about anything. At this point I'm convinced I'm going to live a miserable life only to die young and fat.

I'm so sick of my own bullshit I could scream.

Oprah

Ok. I'm not proud of it, but Oprah totally changed my life. Last week's "best life" show about falling off the wagon totally motivated me to get back on it. 7 days later, I'm still riding the wagon better than anyone on the Oregon Trail (I'm too clever for my own good).

Some things about that show that really stuck with me:

- She has every resource in the world and she STILL can't get it together. How many times have you heard someone say "If I had that kind of money, I'd have a personal trainer/chef/team of people assisting me with my weight loss efforts". Well, if Oprah's money doesn't have any affect on her struggle, money is clearly not any kind of factor in whether or not someone is going to be healthy.

- "You're not hungry for food, so what are you hungry for?". More profound words were never spoken. I'm hungry for love. That's why I eat. With every binge I'm chasing the "high" that I can only get from loving myself.

I had the epiphany (and we know where those really come from) that the deck is stacked against me. I'm constantly fatigued, depressed, have difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, difficulty waking/getting out of bed, difficulty getting motivated (even when the activity at hand is one I enjoy). I was relying on stimulants just to get through the day and they were no longer working. I want to get all these things taken care of in order to stack the cards in my favor.

I went to my chiropractor (he's also a nutritionist) and we're working together to correct the vitamin deficiencies and such that are currently making it so difficult for me to start and stick with a healthy lifestyle. Next week, I'm meeting with an expert in homeopathy and she's going to work some more magic.

My goal is to get healthy. Once that happens, weight loss will be a side-effect. I'll keep you posted.

I wouldn't feed that to a DOG.

Sound familiar? Yeah. You say it when something is super gross and not fit for human (or canine) consumption.

Tonight as I was feeding my 3 pugs I thought "I monitor every bite that goes into their mouths. They don't eat anything that isn't totally good for them because I want them to live forever".

Why do I do this for my dogs? Because I love them SO MUCH that I can't imagine letting them eat garbage (or do anything else that might endanger their health/shorten their lives).

Why are my dogs worthy of my love in regard to what goes in their bodies, but I am not?