10/27/07 Stats

The results of today's weigh in are:

Current Weight: 192

Lbs Lost: 18

Lbs From Goal Weight: 57

I'm thin enough to wear my fat jeans! Wait...

A few weeks ago I became too fat for my fat jeans. That was devastating.

Today is a momentous day of sorts as I've lost enough weight to get back into my fat jeans. I'm wearing them right now. Never thought I'd be celebrating fitting into my fat jeans.

Oh, well. I'll take whatever milestones I can get.

10/20/07 Stats

The results of today's weigh in are:

Current Weight: 193

Lbs Lost: 17

Lbs From Goal Weight: 58

So gross...

My friend went to an oyster party last night.

What is an oyster party, you ask?

A bunch of oysters from somewhere in Asia are shipped to your hostess (in formaldehyde). The party attendees then shuck an oyster, take out the pearl, and have it set in one of the company's jewelry settings.

It's the strangest thing I've ever heard of.

8 Months

If I lose 2lbs/week I'll be at goal in 8 months. That takes us to June, 2008. I think I can handle being fat until then.

10/13/07 Stats

The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 197
Lbs Lost: 13
Lbs From Goal Weight: 62

Experts, Critics and Saboteurs

I've mentioned before that I don't like people to know I'm dieting. I do hate when people discover that the fat girl isn't happy with herself, but it's more than just that.

Having been on several successful diets in my life, I have always eventually had to share with people that I was watching what I ate. When you drop alot of weigh, people notice and want to know what you're doing. Apparently, there's a big secret to weight loss that they don't know and insist I share.

When I do share, I find that all people fall into one of these categories: The Diet Expert, The Diet Critic, or The Diet Saboteur. Some people fall into several of these categories.

First, The Expert:

It doesn't matter what I'm doing, they know a better, faster, healthier method that I should try. Who cares that what I'm doing is clearly working for me? They know everything and their approach to weight loss would be much more effective.

The Critic:

Almost everyone falls into this category. When asked what I'm doing and I respond with my weight loss and exercise plan, they are, you guessed it, very critical. I'm either not eating enough, I'm exercising too much/not enough/not the right way, I'm omitting too many foods that they couldn't live without, whatever.

The Saboteur:

These are the "oh, come on. You can have just one bite" people.

When I first decided to follow the Cheat to Lose plan, I was petrified that people would find out. I didn't want to hear boo from anyone. I don't care to know what you think or don't think about my eating habits. Because of how the plan works (5 mini-meals with very specific portions), it was going to be impossible to hide the change in my eating habits from my coworkers. What would I say when they grilled me on my new diet? How would I respond to their criticisms?

To avoid dealing with the experts, critics, and saboteurs all together, I developed a plan. I decided to tell anyone who asked that I was "following doctor's orders" by eating in this unusual way. Who can argue with that? So far, no one.

It's not a blatant lie. My doctor does want me to lose weight. So I'm following doctor's orders :)

I'm feeling stinker.

I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself today. It's hard to feel good about myself when I'm so discouraged by what I see in the mirror. We've only been dieting for 2.5 weeks so how much of a change could I possibly expect to see? My logical brain knows it's too soon to see any real difference, but that's not any consolation.

I'd like to think I would feel less horrible if I didn't also hate my short, blah hair. I went blonde last year and fried my hair. At my last trim (and at my insistence) my stylist kept cutting until all the dead hair was gone. This is what we ended up with. I hate it so much. Transient or not, I look like shit.

I'm sure I'm just feeling so down about myself because not only am I super tired, but I start my period in 2 days.

I'm also feeling munchy today. I'm not craving a particular food (did I ever, really?), but I would love to just shove a bunch of food in my mouth. To have a pile of assorted garbage at my desk would be perfect. I would just unwrap one thing after another and mindlessly eat the day away. I wouldn't taste much of it, but that wouldn't matter. It would temporarily suppress how awful I'm feeling.

There I go again trying to avoid feeling.

Update

I have to say, so far I'm very satisfied with the Cheat to Lose diet. I'm only hungry when I wait too long between meals (which can happen when things get crazy at work) and I'm finding that I have no cravings. Coming from a girl who, less than one month ago, couldn't go a single day without a binge, this is a huge accomplishment.

My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.

I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.

I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).

That's all for now.

The Dieter's Nightmare

Possibly you've heard of the actor's nightmare? If not, it's a dream that many actor's have involving being on stage and having no clue what show you're in/what your lines are/what the choreography is/you name it.

I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.

It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.

I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.

I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.

Caramel, anyone?

Sweats

Finding clothes in my closet that fit me is a challenge. I refuse to buy any more fat clothes so I am forced to figure something out on a daily basis.

Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.

Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.

Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.

Ugh.

Being fat is stinker.

10/06/07 Stats

The results of today's weigh in are:

Current Weight: 200

Lbs Lost: 10

Lbs From Goal Weight: 65

Costume fittings are stinker.

So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.

The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.

But then a miracle happened.

The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.

I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."

Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.

My head: it's crazy in here.

My husband is a big guy. Not in the "fat" way, but in the "guy-who-clearly-lifts-weights" way. He's taking a very simple approach to our "Cheat to Lose" diet.

Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."

For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."

Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.

I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?

Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.

The girl in the mirror is fat.

It's hard to be super motivated to stick to my diet when I still see a fat girl in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tempted to deviate from my diet at all. Quite the opposite. I'm feeling really good about myself and my progress until I look in the mirror.

I also hate that everyone else still sees a fat girl when they look at me. I know that I'm eating like a skinny girl, but if you were to pass me on the street you'd have no idea that I care about what goes into my mouth. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head.

To try to give the fat girl in the mirror a break, I've decided not to judge my success in the short term. It took me 9-10 months to gain this weight so it will take at least that long to lose it. I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror after 10 days of improved eating. Heck, knowing me, I may not EVER like what I see in the mirror.

I guess the bottom line is I have to fight my inner-critic daily, no matter what size I am.