Haven't had much to add lately as it would be post after post of the same shit: I hate myself, I can't stop eating, I hate going out into public, blah, blah, blah...
Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.
Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Vice is stinker
Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Feeling fat AND stinker
So I'm the fattest girl in WNY.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
Monday, November 26, 2007
Sunday, November 25, 2007
I finally have a wedding band!
I've been married for 2.5 years and am just now wearing a wedding band. Here's the gossip:
- My original engagement ring was designed by me based on a Tacori Ring that I LOVED! I decided that I wanted to be different and instead of a diamond solitaire, I wanted a SAPPHIRE solitaire. Here's the Tacori Ring I based my design on:
- My fiance agrees to upgrade my ring to a diamond solitaire.
- Several thousand dollars later I have the engagement ring of my dreams but now we can not afford to buy me a wedding band. Oh well, who cares? Right? He'll just give me the engagement ring again come our wedding day.
- Fast forward several months after the wedding. I work with the public and strangers often notice my engagement ring. Since there's no wedding band on my finger I'm asked CONSTANTLY when I'm getting married and it starts to get really old. I purchase a fake bridal set for $20 at Target and these questions cease. Problem solved, right?
- Years go by and I'm sad that my beautiful engagement ring is sitting in my jewelry box while this $20 Target faker set gets all the attention. I start to get a bug up my ass to get a wedding band.
- I find the perfect band for the perfect price online. My husband insists I get it. It's finally arrived and I hate taking off my rings. It's so pretty . Here, ladies and gentleman, is my wedding band:
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
- My original engagement ring was designed by me based on a Tacori Ring that I LOVED! I decided that I wanted to be different and instead of a diamond solitaire, I wanted a SAPPHIRE solitaire. Here's the Tacori Ring I based my design on:
- I get engaged and realize that, while I'm lucky to be marrying a great guy, I really want a diamond solitaire.
- My fiance agrees to upgrade my ring to a diamond solitaire.
- Several thousand dollars later I have the engagement ring of my dreams but now we can not afford to buy me a wedding band. Oh well, who cares? Right? He'll just give me the engagement ring again come our wedding day.
- Fast forward several months after the wedding. I work with the public and strangers often notice my engagement ring. Since there's no wedding band on my finger I'm asked CONSTANTLY when I'm getting married and it starts to get really old. I purchase a fake bridal set for $20 at Target and these questions cease. Problem solved, right?
- Years go by and I'm sad that my beautiful engagement ring is sitting in my jewelry box while this $20 Target faker set gets all the attention. I start to get a bug up my ass to get a wedding band.
- I find the perfect band for the perfect price online. My husband insists I get it. It's finally arrived and I hate taking off my rings. It's so pretty . Here, ladies and gentleman, is my wedding band:
I LOVE IT!!!!!!!
Sabbatical
Today is day four of my 4 day dieting hiatus. I hadn't intended to do this, but here we are.
It's the long Thanksgiving weekend and I've been enjoying it with my husband. This is our first real chunk of time together since my show started rehearsals back in September. This was a long time coming and being able to wine and dine has made it that much more special. Here's the breakdown:
Thursday:
We participated in (too much) of your typical Thanksgiving Day fare. We visit his family in the early afternoon and mine in the early evening. It's just way too much food.
Friday:
We went to this little Greek place for breakfast. I had tzatziki and saganaki (both with grilled pita). He had the gyro breakfast. Mine was way better. For dinner he took me to the Irishman followed by drinks at Butterwood. I had a very big "martini". I use that term loosely because, according to my husband and his friends, you can't call a drink a martini just because it happens to be served in a martini glass. My husband was very pleased when I ordered a "drink" off of their "martini" menu. Call it what you will, it was good.
Saturday:
Had a disappointing breakfast at some family diner on Sheridan drive. Had an AMAZING dinner at Suzy Q's Barbeque Shak. It was SO GOOD! I ordered something called a Piggy Pie. That was fun. Not to mention the fact that calling my meal a "Piggy Pie" was a huge self esteem builder.
Not sure what today will hold.
I'm kind of over cheat food but I'm really sick of my diet food. Not to mention the fact that I'm really annoyed that I only lost 1 pound last week. Not feeling super motivated to continue to cheat, definitely not feeling motivated to continue on this diet right now.
Bottom line, I'm 100% NOT motivated to continue living life as a fatty.
It's the long Thanksgiving weekend and I've been enjoying it with my husband. This is our first real chunk of time together since my show started rehearsals back in September. This was a long time coming and being able to wine and dine has made it that much more special. Here's the breakdown:
Thursday:
We participated in (too much) of your typical Thanksgiving Day fare. We visit his family in the early afternoon and mine in the early evening. It's just way too much food.
Friday:
We went to this little Greek place for breakfast. I had tzatziki and saganaki (both with grilled pita). He had the gyro breakfast. Mine was way better. For dinner he took me to the Irishman followed by drinks at Butterwood. I had a very big "martini". I use that term loosely because, according to my husband and his friends, you can't call a drink a martini just because it happens to be served in a martini glass. My husband was very pleased when I ordered a "drink" off of their "martini" menu. Call it what you will, it was good.
Saturday:
Had a disappointing breakfast at some family diner on Sheridan drive. Had an AMAZING dinner at Suzy Q's Barbeque Shak. It was SO GOOD! I ordered something called a Piggy Pie. That was fun. Not to mention the fact that calling my meal a "Piggy Pie" was a huge self esteem builder.
Not sure what today will hold.
I'm kind of over cheat food but I'm really sick of my diet food. Not to mention the fact that I'm really annoyed that I only lost 1 pound last week. Not feeling super motivated to continue to cheat, definitely not feeling motivated to continue on this diet right now.
Bottom line, I'm 100% NOT motivated to continue living life as a fatty.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
11/22/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 186.6
Lbs Lost: 23.4
Lbs From Goal Weight: 51.6
Current Weight: 186.6
Lbs Lost: 23.4
Lbs From Goal Weight: 51.6
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Do we live in a haunted house?
So tonight my husband is removing the air conditioner from the bedroom window in preparation for our winter hibernation. The dog was being all cute and I decided to snap some photos of the proceedings. Here's one photo I took:
I was snapping away. Here's the very next photo I took. It was taken a fraction of a second after the above photo:
Ok. What up with all the orbs???
Now, I'm not one to jump to conclusions, so I thought about it for a minute. I was sitting in the exact same spot for both photos. If the orbs are the result of some weird reflection, shouldn't they appear in both photos?
Also, the orb behind the dogs back left paw appears to be disappearing into the floor. I've never seen a reflection do that.
Our house is old, but not super old. It was built in 1940 with land sale records dating back to 1818. We've lived here over 2 years and I can honestly say I've never "felt" anything in this house. I wasn't feeling anything when I shot this picture. The dog was going nuts, but I thought it was just because she was excited by the commotion my husband was causing (pugs are easily excited and VERY curious).
I sent the photos to wnyparanormal.org. I wanted to see if they had any insight. I'll keep you posted...
Monday, November 19, 2007
Feeling fat is stinker.
I'm feeling like a big fatty these days. It's strange because I should be feeling better about myself. Case in point, this morning when I got dressed I realized that I needed to buy some size 14 pants as my 16s are now too large. This should make me feel good, right? Unfortunately, I take no pride in having wasted away to a size 14. I know I need to celebrate each battle won and blah, blah, blah...
I'm sure it doesn't help that I spent last night putting my size 4s into storage. I held up a pair of my size 4 jeans and couldn't believe that I ever fit into them. They were so tiny. I was so tiny. Now I'm a big, size 14-wearing, fatty.
Yeah. I feel stinker today :(
Friday, November 16, 2007
11/16/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 187.6
Lbs Lost: 22.4
Lbs From Goal Weight: 52.6
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Iron-Free Zone
Due to a persistent hip issue, my weight training has been put on hold. In the mean time, my husband has me doing a series of exercises to help heal my physical imbalances that are causing my hip issues.
I'm glad that I'm working towards health, but I don't want my lack of hard core exercise to slow my progress. However, I do need to get over my "race to the finish line" mentality where weight loss is concerned.
I'm glad that I'm working towards health, but I don't want my lack of hard core exercise to slow my progress. However, I do need to get over my "race to the finish line" mentality where weight loss is concerned.
Saturday, November 10, 2007
11/10/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 188
Lbs Lost: 22
Lbs Lost: 22
Lbs From Goal Weight: 53
Back up the garbage truck...
Tomorrow is my cheat day and it can't get here soon enough. The diet I'm on keeps my blood sugar levels really steady so my cravings are few and far between. Unfortunately, all that flies out the window when Aunt Flo comes to town. It's taken all my will power to stay away from junk food for the past two days. To curb my cravings, I've been eating alot of grilled zucchini. I'm really surprised that it's just not hitting the spot. In honor of my excitement about tomorrow, I'm compiling a list of all the foods I plan on consuming:
1 - Girl Scout Cookies! I received these on Tuesday and they've been taunting me ever since. I can't wait to rip into those boxes and show those tagalongs, samoas, and thin mints who's boss.
2 - Halloween Chocolate! This is left over from last week. We didn't give out any Halloween candy but we bought some for our personal consumption. Bite size twix, milky way, milky way midnight, baby ruth, and snickers are the stuff of dreams.
3 - A Starbucks Venti Frappuccino! Not sure what flavor. Either coffee or caramel. Last spring I was addicted to the Dulce de Leche Frappuccino and I'm having a hard time now that they don't offer it. There's nothing like it. It's caramel, but not super sweet, kind of deep and smoky. SO GOOD!
4 - Chips and Bison Dip! My husband is a season ticket holder for the Buffalo Bills. Where there's a season ticket holder, there's tailgate food and that means chips and bison dip. I cheat on Saturday, the Bills games are on Sunday. That means we have Bison Dip in our house from the day after my cheat day up until my next cheat day. Usually I can resist, but this week it's taunting me.
Notice there's no actual food on my wish list. I'm such a junk food junkie. I'd rather skip every meal and spend the whole day consuming thousands of calories in garbage. I plan on doing just that tomorrow :)
1 - Girl Scout Cookies! I received these on Tuesday and they've been taunting me ever since. I can't wait to rip into those boxes and show those tagalongs, samoas, and thin mints who's boss.
2 - Halloween Chocolate! This is left over from last week. We didn't give out any Halloween candy but we bought some for our personal consumption. Bite size twix, milky way, milky way midnight, baby ruth, and snickers are the stuff of dreams.
3 - A Starbucks Venti Frappuccino! Not sure what flavor. Either coffee or caramel. Last spring I was addicted to the Dulce de Leche Frappuccino and I'm having a hard time now that they don't offer it. There's nothing like it. It's caramel, but not super sweet, kind of deep and smoky. SO GOOD!
4 - Chips and Bison Dip! My husband is a season ticket holder for the Buffalo Bills. Where there's a season ticket holder, there's tailgate food and that means chips and bison dip. I cheat on Saturday, the Bills games are on Sunday. That means we have Bison Dip in our house from the day after my cheat day up until my next cheat day. Usually I can resist, but this week it's taunting me.
Notice there's no actual food on my wish list. I'm such a junk food junkie. I'd rather skip every meal and spend the whole day consuming thousands of calories in garbage. I plan on doing just that tomorrow :)
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Working Out - Definitely Not Stinker
I've had 3 workouts with my personal trainer (my husband) at our fitness center (located in our basement). I have to say, our gym is pretty awesome. My husband is REALLY into lifting weights and we recently purchased what is the beginnings of his dream gym. We have: a bar, 5,000,000 lbs in various plates, a great selection of dumbbells (none of the 3lb pink variety), various storage for the plates and dumbbells, 2 benches, a lat pull down machine, a "chin up, pull down" monstrosity...it's great!
Since I'm so obscenely out of shape, we've spent my first 3 workouts figuring out what I am capable of. I have to say, I'm surprising myself. At my last workout, I was able to work up to a 135lb dead lift (I had 3 successful reps at that weight).
At my lightest, I was able to crank out several push-ups. At this ginormous weight, I can barely move. Not only are my muscles totally weak, I'm also trying to move a much heavier body. It's a double whammy. To try to get me back into the groove, my husband had me do 10 push-ups...ONE AT A TIME. It was so pathetic because I NEEDED the rest between reps. I tried a few times to "crank out" 2 consecutive push-ups but my body was not having any of it.
Since Monday's workout I have been ridiculously sore. My lower back is killing me. Tied for second place are my abs and the backs of my legs. I can't wait to do it all again tonight!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
11/03/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 190
Lbs Lost: 20
Lbs From Goal Weight: 55
Lbs From Goal Weight: 55
Thursday, November 1, 2007
Salads can make you fat!
My husband was on vacation last week and we met for lunch almost
everyday (which was nice).
I ordered a diet-friendly salad at each meal and didn't eat again until
my stomach growled (if at all). Even so, I figured I'd pay for our
week on the scale. I was right.
I only lost 1 pound last week! I'm trying not to be super upset about
it. I mean, a pound is a pound. I just feel that at this hugely enormous
weight, I should lose more than 1 pound in a week. It's not like I
spent the week stuffing my face.
My sluggish results from last week have inspired me to get back into
the gym. It's official: I'm going to start lifting weights again.
everyday (which was nice).
I ordered a diet-friendly salad at each meal and didn't eat again until
my stomach growled (if at all). Even so, I figured I'd pay for our
week on the scale. I was right.
I only lost 1 pound last week! I'm trying not to be super upset about
it. I mean, a pound is a pound. I just feel that at this hugely enormous
weight, I should lose more than 1 pound in a week. It's not like I
spent the week stuffing my face.
My sluggish results from last week have inspired me to get back into
the gym. It's official: I'm going to start lifting weights again.
Progress Pics - 11/01/07
Last night I worked out for the first time in Lord knows how long. My
husband went REALLY easy on me. That's ok because I'm REALLY out of shape.
Even though it was a much lighter workout compared to my sessions of a
year ago, I was still working pretty hard. I'm looking forward to
Friday's workout :)
Today is November 1st and that means it's PROGRESS PICTURE DAY!!! I
don't feel like I'm ready for a photo yet, but I've lost 18lbs since we
started this journey on 09/23. The picture on the left is from 9/22/07 and the picture on the right is from today (11/01/07):
husband went REALLY easy on me. That's ok because I'm REALLY out of shape.
Even though it was a much lighter workout compared to my sessions of a
year ago, I was still working pretty hard. I'm looking forward to
Friday's workout :)
Today is November 1st and that means it's PROGRESS PICTURE DAY!!! I
don't feel like I'm ready for a photo yet, but I've lost 18lbs since we
started this journey on 09/23. The picture on the left is from 9/22/07 and the picture on the right is from today (11/01/07):
Sunday, October 28, 2007
10/27/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 192
Lbs Lost: 18
Lbs From Goal Weight: 57
I'm thin enough to wear my fat jeans! Wait...
A few weeks ago I became too fat for my fat jeans. That was devastating.
Today is a momentous day of sorts as I've lost enough weight to get back into my fat jeans. I'm wearing them right now. Never thought I'd be celebrating fitting into my fat jeans.
Oh, well. I'll take whatever milestones I can get.
Today is a momentous day of sorts as I've lost enough weight to get back into my fat jeans. I'm wearing them right now. Never thought I'd be celebrating fitting into my fat jeans.
Oh, well. I'll take whatever milestones I can get.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
10/20/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 193
Lbs Lost: 17
Lbs From Goal Weight: 58
Friday, October 19, 2007
So gross...
My friend went to an oyster party last night.
What is an oyster party, you ask?
A bunch of oysters from somewhere in Asia are shipped to your hostess (in formaldehyde). The party attendees then shuck an oyster, take out the pearl, and have it set in one of the company's jewelry settings.
It's the strangest thing I've ever heard of.
What is an oyster party, you ask?
A bunch of oysters from somewhere in Asia are shipped to your hostess (in formaldehyde). The party attendees then shuck an oyster, take out the pearl, and have it set in one of the company's jewelry settings.
It's the strangest thing I've ever heard of.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
8 Months
If I lose 2lbs/week I'll be at goal in 8 months. That takes us to June, 2008. I think I can handle being fat until then.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
10/13/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 197
Lbs Lost: 13
Lbs From Goal Weight: 62
Current Weight: 197
Lbs Lost: 13
Lbs From Goal Weight: 62
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Experts, Critics and Saboteurs
I've mentioned before that I don't like people to know I'm dieting. I do hate when people discover that the fat girl isn't happy with herself, but it's more than just that.
Having been on several successful diets in my life, I have always eventually had to share with people that I was watching what I ate. When you drop alot of weigh, people notice and want to know what you're doing. Apparently, there's a big secret to weight loss that they don't know and insist I share.
When I do share, I find that all people fall into one of these categories: The Diet Expert, The Diet Critic, or The Diet Saboteur. Some people fall into several of these categories.
First, The Expert:
It doesn't matter what I'm doing, they know a better, faster, healthier method that I should try. Who cares that what I'm doing is clearly working for me? They know everything and their approach to weight loss would be much more effective.
The Critic:
Almost everyone falls into this category. When asked what I'm doing and I respond with my weight loss and exercise plan, they are, you guessed it, very critical. I'm either not eating enough, I'm exercising too much/not enough/not the right way, I'm omitting too many foods that they couldn't live without, whatever.
The Saboteur:
These are the "oh, come on. You can have just one bite" people.
When I first decided to follow the Cheat to Lose plan, I was petrified that people would find out. I didn't want to hear boo from anyone. I don't care to know what you think or don't think about my eating habits. Because of how the plan works (5 mini-meals with very specific portions), it was going to be impossible to hide the change in my eating habits from my coworkers. What would I say when they grilled me on my new diet? How would I respond to their criticisms?
To avoid dealing with the experts, critics, and saboteurs all together, I developed a plan. I decided to tell anyone who asked that I was "following doctor's orders" by eating in this unusual way. Who can argue with that? So far, no one.
It's not a blatant lie. My doctor does want me to lose weight. So I'm following doctor's orders :)
Having been on several successful diets in my life, I have always eventually had to share with people that I was watching what I ate. When you drop alot of weigh, people notice and want to know what you're doing. Apparently, there's a big secret to weight loss that they don't know and insist I share.
When I do share, I find that all people fall into one of these categories: The Diet Expert, The Diet Critic, or The Diet Saboteur. Some people fall into several of these categories.
First, The Expert:
It doesn't matter what I'm doing, they know a better, faster, healthier method that I should try. Who cares that what I'm doing is clearly working for me? They know everything and their approach to weight loss would be much more effective.
The Critic:
Almost everyone falls into this category. When asked what I'm doing and I respond with my weight loss and exercise plan, they are, you guessed it, very critical. I'm either not eating enough, I'm exercising too much/not enough/not the right way, I'm omitting too many foods that they couldn't live without, whatever.
The Saboteur:
These are the "oh, come on. You can have just one bite" people.
When I first decided to follow the Cheat to Lose plan, I was petrified that people would find out. I didn't want to hear boo from anyone. I don't care to know what you think or don't think about my eating habits. Because of how the plan works (5 mini-meals with very specific portions), it was going to be impossible to hide the change in my eating habits from my coworkers. What would I say when they grilled me on my new diet? How would I respond to their criticisms?
To avoid dealing with the experts, critics, and saboteurs all together, I developed a plan. I decided to tell anyone who asked that I was "following doctor's orders" by eating in this unusual way. Who can argue with that? So far, no one.
It's not a blatant lie. My doctor does want me to lose weight. So I'm following doctor's orders :)
I'm feeling stinker.
I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself today. It's hard to feel good about myself when I'm so discouraged by what I see in the mirror. We've only been dieting for 2.5 weeks so how much of a change could I possibly expect to see? My logical brain knows it's too soon to see any real difference, but that's not any consolation.
I'd like to think I would feel less horrible if I didn't also hate my short, blah hair. I went blonde last year and fried my hair. At my last trim (and at my insistence) my stylist kept cutting until all the dead hair was gone. This is what we ended up with. I hate it so much. Transient or not, I look like shit.
I'm sure I'm just feeling so down about myself because not only am I super tired, but I start my period in 2 days.
I'm also feeling munchy today. I'm not craving a particular food (did I ever, really?), but I would love to just shove a bunch of food in my mouth. To have a pile of assorted garbage at my desk would be perfect. I would just unwrap one thing after another and mindlessly eat the day away. I wouldn't taste much of it, but that wouldn't matter. It would temporarily suppress how awful I'm feeling.
There I go again trying to avoid feeling.
I'd like to think I would feel less horrible if I didn't also hate my short, blah hair. I went blonde last year and fried my hair. At my last trim (and at my insistence) my stylist kept cutting until all the dead hair was gone. This is what we ended up with. I hate it so much. Transient or not, I look like shit.
I'm sure I'm just feeling so down about myself because not only am I super tired, but I start my period in 2 days.
I'm also feeling munchy today. I'm not craving a particular food (did I ever, really?), but I would love to just shove a bunch of food in my mouth. To have a pile of assorted garbage at my desk would be perfect. I would just unwrap one thing after another and mindlessly eat the day away. I wouldn't taste much of it, but that wouldn't matter. It would temporarily suppress how awful I'm feeling.
There I go again trying to avoid feeling.
Update
I have to say, so far I'm very satisfied with the Cheat to Lose diet. I'm only hungry when I wait too long between meals (which can happen when things get crazy at work) and I'm finding that I have no cravings. Coming from a girl who, less than one month ago, couldn't go a single day without a binge, this is a huge accomplishment.
My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.
I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.
I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).
That's all for now.
My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.
I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.
I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).
That's all for now.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The Dieter's Nightmare
Possibly you've heard of the actor's nightmare? If not, it's a dream that many actor's have involving being on stage and having no clue what show you're in/what your lines are/what the choreography is/you name it.
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Sweats
Finding clothes in my closet that fit me is a challenge. I refuse to buy any more fat clothes so I am forced to figure something out on a daily basis.
Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.
Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.
Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.
Ugh.
Being fat is stinker.
Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.
Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.
Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.
Ugh.
Being fat is stinker.
10/06/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 200
Lbs Lost: 10
Lbs From Goal Weight: 65
Friday, October 5, 2007
Costume fittings are stinker.
So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.
The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.
But then a miracle happened.
The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.
I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."
Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.
The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.
But then a miracle happened.
The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.
I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."
Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.
My head: it's crazy in here.
My husband is a big guy. Not in the "fat" way, but in the "guy-who-clearly-lifts-weights" way. He's taking a very simple approach to our "Cheat to Lose" diet.
Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."
For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."
Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.
I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?
Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.
Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."
For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."
Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.
I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?
Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.
The girl in the mirror is fat.
It's hard to be super motivated to stick to my diet when I still see a fat girl in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tempted to deviate from my diet at all. Quite the opposite. I'm feeling really good about myself and my progress until I look in the mirror.
I also hate that everyone else still sees a fat girl when they look at me. I know that I'm eating like a skinny girl, but if you were to pass me on the street you'd have no idea that I care about what goes into my mouth. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head.
To try to give the fat girl in the mirror a break, I've decided not to judge my success in the short term. It took me 9-10 months to gain this weight so it will take at least that long to lose it. I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror after 10 days of improved eating. Heck, knowing me, I may not EVER like what I see in the mirror.
I guess the bottom line is I have to fight my inner-critic daily, no matter what size I am.
I also hate that everyone else still sees a fat girl when they look at me. I know that I'm eating like a skinny girl, but if you were to pass me on the street you'd have no idea that I care about what goes into my mouth. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head.
To try to give the fat girl in the mirror a break, I've decided not to judge my success in the short term. It took me 9-10 months to gain this weight so it will take at least that long to lose it. I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror after 10 days of improved eating. Heck, knowing me, I may not EVER like what I see in the mirror.
I guess the bottom line is I have to fight my inner-critic daily, no matter what size I am.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
9/29/07 Stats
We're only getting on the scale once a week. The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 203
Lbs Lost: 7
Current Weight: 203
Lbs Lost: 7
Lbs From Goal Weight: 68
Friday, September 28, 2007
I'm off the charts!
I finally got pinched and now I know how fat I am. Well, that's not entirely true.
My number is so high it's not even ON the chart. Yeah... try to top THAT!
Based on the sequence of the chart, we estimated that my body fat percentage is somewhere in the 40% range.
Unfortunately, in this game you don't want the high score.
My number is so high it's not even ON the chart. Yeah... try to top THAT!
Based on the sequence of the chart, we estimated that my body fat percentage is somewhere in the 40% range.
Unfortunately, in this game you don't want the high score.
WE BOUGHT A BEDROOM SET!!!
I'm so excited! You have NO IDEA how long I have wanted a big girl bedroom set. I'm on SUCH a furniture high right now.
Here's a link to our:
Bed, Bedside Tables, Dresser, and Chest.
IT'S SO PRETTY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVE!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Here's a link to our:
Bed, Bedside Tables, Dresser, and Chest.
IT'S SO PRETTY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVE!!!
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
My Journal
I was reading through my journal last night and it offered some additional insight on my mental state last year (when I was "dieting" and getting super thin).
1 - I was fucking crazy.
In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.
2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.
Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.
3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.
I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.
Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.
But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.
1 - I was fucking crazy.
In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.
2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.
Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.
3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.
I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.
Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.
But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Why do I perform?
Sometimes I wonder why I perform. This is one of those times.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
So how do you gain 85lbs in 10 months?
Well, I'll tell you.
There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:
1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.
As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.
2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.
I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.
In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.
Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.
3 - I became completely obsessed.
When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?
I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.
Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.
4 - When I fell, I fell HARD
I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.
When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...
5 - I eat so I don't have to feel
I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.
While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.
Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.
Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.
There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:
1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.
As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.
2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.
I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.
In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.
Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.
3 - I became completely obsessed.
When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?
I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.
Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.
4 - When I fell, I fell HARD
I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.
When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...
5 - I eat so I don't have to feel
I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.
While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.
Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.
Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.
Getting Pinched
Not by the fuzz, by my husband, silly :)
Skillfully wielding calipers, my husband will pinch me and then I'll know how much fat I have.
I'm confident, since nothing could be hotter than pinching your wife's fat, we'll have sex immediately after.
I'll be sure to post the horrific results. Of the caliper pinching, not the sex.
Perverts.
Skillfully wielding calipers, my husband will pinch me and then I'll know how much fat I have.
I'm confident, since nothing could be hotter than pinching your wife's fat, we'll have sex immediately after.
I'll be sure to post the horrific results. Of the caliper pinching, not the sex.
Perverts.
Cheat to Lose
I have not yet mentioned that the diet we're following is called "Cheat to Lose". The basic concept is this: You're on the diet (a very reasonable diet at that) 6 days each week. On day 7, you cheat.
There are several reasons why this approach works. There's science behind it (that I won't bore you with) and it keeps the fires of your metabolism burning. I like it because when I'm having a craving, I get alot of solace out of the fact that I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day.
Every time I've successfully lost weight, this is the general approach I've taken. I didn't know this book existed, but I've always taken one cheat day each week. What's different this time? If this is the approach I've always taken, why do I need a book? Well, as I mentioned before, I suffer from anorexia (bet you've never met a 210lb anorexic before). Here is a brief description of how all my past diets have played out:
- I want to lose a few pounds (or alot of weight) so I start my diet. Traditionally, there has been an external motivator such as my wedding or an acting role. Initially, I'm strict in the kinds of foods I eat on my non-cheat days (no junk, low salt, as few processed items as possible, tons of water, etc) and I'm eating enough calories to lose 1-2lbs/week.
- A few weeks or months pass. I've had consistent success with my moderate approach, but start to gradually restrict the types and amounts of foods I eat. I feel good about how "good" I'm being. I feel like I'm in "the zone". I'm committed to my diet and that's why I'm so strict. The stricter I am, the more powerful and in control I feel. This leads to...
- Very low caloric intake. Since the majority of calories I am consuming come from protein and fat, I'm somewhat satiated and the weight is coming off very easily. Unfortunately, 700-1,000 calories a day is NOT healthy. It's also not something a person can keep up forever.
- Once the external motivator is gone (ie: my wedding is over, the show closes, whatever) I have an increasingly difficult time maintaining my extremely low-cal diet. That motivator was the wind in my sails, the fuel in my motivational gas tank. Inevitably, I fall off the wagon and gain all the weight back (and then some).
The reason we're using a book this time is because I need someone else to tell me what to eat on my non-cheat days. This time, no matter how tempting, I'm not going to be any more restrictive than this book recommends. When the temptation comes, and it inevitably will, I'm going to FORCE myself to eat as much as the book suggests. That will prevent me from starving myself again (I hope). My vigilance and the books guidelines (combined with the fact that my husband knows my pattern and is monitoring me) should keep me on the straight and narrow.
There are several reasons why this approach works. There's science behind it (that I won't bore you with) and it keeps the fires of your metabolism burning. I like it because when I'm having a craving, I get alot of solace out of the fact that I can eat whatever I want on my cheat day.
Every time I've successfully lost weight, this is the general approach I've taken. I didn't know this book existed, but I've always taken one cheat day each week. What's different this time? If this is the approach I've always taken, why do I need a book? Well, as I mentioned before, I suffer from anorexia (bet you've never met a 210lb anorexic before). Here is a brief description of how all my past diets have played out:
- I want to lose a few pounds (or alot of weight) so I start my diet. Traditionally, there has been an external motivator such as my wedding or an acting role. Initially, I'm strict in the kinds of foods I eat on my non-cheat days (no junk, low salt, as few processed items as possible, tons of water, etc) and I'm eating enough calories to lose 1-2lbs/week.
- A few weeks or months pass. I've had consistent success with my moderate approach, but start to gradually restrict the types and amounts of foods I eat. I feel good about how "good" I'm being. I feel like I'm in "the zone". I'm committed to my diet and that's why I'm so strict. The stricter I am, the more powerful and in control I feel. This leads to...
- Very low caloric intake. Since the majority of calories I am consuming come from protein and fat, I'm somewhat satiated and the weight is coming off very easily. Unfortunately, 700-1,000 calories a day is NOT healthy. It's also not something a person can keep up forever.
- Once the external motivator is gone (ie: my wedding is over, the show closes, whatever) I have an increasingly difficult time maintaining my extremely low-cal diet. That motivator was the wind in my sails, the fuel in my motivational gas tank. Inevitably, I fall off the wagon and gain all the weight back (and then some).
The reason we're using a book this time is because I need someone else to tell me what to eat on my non-cheat days. This time, no matter how tempting, I'm not going to be any more restrictive than this book recommends. When the temptation comes, and it inevitably will, I'm going to FORCE myself to eat as much as the book suggests. That will prevent me from starving myself again (I hope). My vigilance and the books guidelines (combined with the fact that my husband knows my pattern and is monitoring me) should keep me on the straight and narrow.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Day One
Ok. So far, so good.
Day one of my new way of eating isn't totally horrible. Granted, my husband is being really amazing and letting me buy tasty things like lamb and scallops. Yeah, he's amazing.
Today was super busy so it was easy to not think about junk food. I'm the queen of binging when I'm bored (or experiencing any kind of emotion). There was no time to be bored today as we were busy little worker bees who clean basements. Our home gym is arriving tomorrow and now there's somewhere to put it.
We didn't weigh in or take "before" pictures yet. I think that is happening sometime before the end of today. Ideally, we were going to weigh in first thing this morning but we spent the night in a hotel (spouses only, no babies) and there was narry a scale in sight.
To hold you over, here's a pic of our babies:
Friday, September 21, 2007
Here we go again...
I am such a statistic.
It's embarrassing, actually.
Since November, 2003 I have gained and lost over 250lbs. This time is going to be different.
A brief history:
1990 - I begin my first diet at the age of 12. It starts our innocently enough.The doctor expresses his concern to my mother as I'm about 20lbs or so overweight for a girl of my age/height. No big deal. Mom will show me how to modify my portions and make healthier food choices. So far, so good...right?
I'm young and active. The weight starts to fall off and the compliments pour in from relatives, teachers, fellow students, dance instructors, you name it. The attention is intoxicating as I've never received attention like this before. The more weight I lose, the more attention I get. You know where this is going...
I develop and eating disorder. I get too thin and the compliments become expressions of concern (from all but my dance instructors). This attention, although negative, fueled the beginnings of what would become a life-long battle with anorexia.
I'm now 29 years old, a wife, mom to 2 beautiful babies, and looking at some very real health issues. Heart problems run in my family and if I keep this up I will not reach the age of 60 (as so many of my relatives before me have not). To consistently gain and loose as much weight as I've been is going to kill me. I choose life :)
This time, I'm taking it slow. This time, I'm shooting for healthy, not skinny. This time, I'm changing for life.
I wanted to document my struggles. Mostly because I have a tendency to become obsessive when I diet. I'm hoping that having this outlet will nip my obsession in the bud. My thoughts will be out of my head and on this blog.
Wish me luck.
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