Haven't had much to add lately as it would be post after post of the same shit: I hate myself, I can't stop eating, I hate going out into public, blah, blah, blah...
Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.
Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Vice is stinker
Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Feeling fat AND stinker
So I'm the fattest girl in WNY.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
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