Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Discomfort
I hate being uncomfortable. So much so that every time I feel slightly uncomfortable, I reach for food, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol.
Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...
Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?
Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".
Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.
Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.
Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...
Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?
Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".
Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.
Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
God, I'm a dancer
Last night was a big night for me. I attended my first dance class in 8 years!
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Puppy Mills are stinker
For those of you who know me, you're well aware that I'm very anti-puppy mill. I can never put into words the horrors that occur in these places. I can't even get past the home page when I look at this website. The SPCA sent me an email looking for volunteers to foster puppy mill dogs. Our house is too full to take in anymore (we're in the process of adopting our 2nd puppy mill rescue), but I wanted to post this for your consideration:
" I have been a volunteer with the SPCA for 9 years and my passion is the plight of puppy mill dogs. On August 30th in Millersburg , Ohio , the Buckeye Dog Auction is being held. This is run by the Amish people and occurs about every 6 weeks. Most of these dogs will be bought by other puppy millers and the dogs go from one mill or another. The Amish are in the business of running puppy mills and make their livelihood from breeding these dogs at every heat cycle until the dogs are used up; at which time they are taken out back and either shot or drowned. These dogs live their entire life in filthy wire cages and are shown no kindness or concern. Most have medical conditions that are never addressed. They are scarred emotionally.
For this reason, I am driving down to the auction to act as a “breeder” and I will purchase up to four of these dogs. They sell these dogs for between $100-350, depending on their sex, age, and heat cycle. Some dogs go for as cheap as $25.00. The dogs in heat go for the most. The SPCA has agreed to accept these dogs and care for them medically.
We are looking for a group of special people who would be willing to join this team to help in transforming these dogs from stock animals into beloved pets. We are in need of people to foster them in their homes, and to nurture and show them that goodness and kindness exists. They will take time to adjust. They will not know what housetraining is, or how to climb stairs, or the normal household sounds of dishwashers, etc., or the feel of grass under their feet or even affection.
Watching a dog start to “become” a dog is the most wonderful experience I have ever had and I have adopted three puppy mill dogs. More information is attached concerning what to expect when rehabilitating a puppy mill dog. If after reading this over you feel you are up to the challenge of taking in one of these dogs please email (contact info removed for privacy). "
If you're interested in fostering puppy mill rescues, let me know and I'll get you in touch with my contact at the SPCA.
" I have been a volunteer with the SPCA for 9 years and my passion is the plight of puppy mill dogs. On August 30th in Millersburg , Ohio , the Buckeye Dog Auction is being held. This is run by the Amish people and occurs about every 6 weeks. Most of these dogs will be bought by other puppy millers and the dogs go from one mill or another. The Amish are in the business of running puppy mills and make their livelihood from breeding these dogs at every heat cycle until the dogs are used up; at which time they are taken out back and either shot or drowned. These dogs live their entire life in filthy wire cages and are shown no kindness or concern. Most have medical conditions that are never addressed. They are scarred emotionally.
For this reason, I am driving down to the auction to act as a “breeder” and I will purchase up to four of these dogs. They sell these dogs for between $100-350, depending on their sex, age, and heat cycle. Some dogs go for as cheap as $25.00. The dogs in heat go for the most. The SPCA has agreed to accept these dogs and care for them medically.
We are looking for a group of special people who would be willing to join this team to help in transforming these dogs from stock animals into beloved pets. We are in need of people to foster them in their homes, and to nurture and show them that goodness and kindness exists. They will take time to adjust. They will not know what housetraining is, or how to climb stairs, or the normal household sounds of dishwashers, etc., or the feel of grass under their feet or even affection.
Watching a dog start to “become” a dog is the most wonderful experience I have ever had and I have adopted three puppy mill dogs. More information is attached concerning what to expect when rehabilitating a puppy mill dog. If after reading this over you feel you are up to the challenge of taking in one of these dogs please email (contact info removed for privacy). "
If you're interested in fostering puppy mill rescues, let me know and I'll get you in touch with my contact at the SPCA.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
WTF
Probably the most overused 3 letters in the English Language these days, but they're totally appropriate in my situation.
I've lost 1.2lbs in the last 14 days.
WTF!!!???
I've been walking, lifting weights, drinking water, taking my vitamins/supplements, eating lean meats, proteins, veggies, and other "slow burning" carbs. All these changes and I have 1.2lbs to show for it.
At this rate, by August, 2009, I'll be a svelte 190lbs. And just in time for summer!
Why, why, WHY am I fat no matter what choices I make? I could have been stuffing my face for the last 2 weeks and I would still weigh roughly the same as I do right now.
I hate everything.
I've lost 1.2lbs in the last 14 days.
WTF!!!???
I've been walking, lifting weights, drinking water, taking my vitamins/supplements, eating lean meats, proteins, veggies, and other "slow burning" carbs. All these changes and I have 1.2lbs to show for it.
At this rate, by August, 2009, I'll be a svelte 190lbs. And just in time for summer!
Why, why, WHY am I fat no matter what choices I make? I could have been stuffing my face for the last 2 weeks and I would still weigh roughly the same as I do right now.
I hate everything.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Friday, July 25, 2008
I just want to eat it all away...
I'm upset.
My sister called me today and asked me to loan her $1,000. She had fallen behind on bills and needed the money as a bridge until she could get caught up. There was only one condition: I couldn't tell her husband about the loan.
Ok. I don't loan people money. I don't ever want money to come between me and someone I love. If we were going to help it was going to be a gift.
After much discussion with my husband, we decided to give her the money on one condition: she tells her husband about the gift.
She declined our offer of assistance.
This entire situation saddens me for so many reasons.
1 - My sister is hurting. I want her to stop hurting, but if I have to be dishonest to do so, I'm not interested. However, it's still really upsetting that she's hurting.
2 - My sister can't be honest with her husband. I would NEVER hide something like this from my husband. If I'm in a pinch (due to circumstance or my own actions), I KNOW I can call on him for help without the fear of his judgement. I'm human and I make mistakes and that's ok with him. He's also human and makes mistakes and that's ok with me. It's upsetting that my sister feels she has to shoulder the knowledge of this financial burden alone.
3 - My sister is too proud to let her husband think "she can't handle the finances". I hate that her pride is causing her so much pain.
4 - This is so easily remedied, but she won't take the actions necessary to fix it. If she went to her husband and told him what was going on, they could shoulder this burden as a team. Sure, he might be upset that she waited until ends were nowhere near meeting to tell him, but he'll get over it and then they can move forward together. She's so terrified of his disapproval that she'd rather suffer alone and in silence.
This is so upsetting. I just want to eat all of this sadness away.
My sister called me today and asked me to loan her $1,000. She had fallen behind on bills and needed the money as a bridge until she could get caught up. There was only one condition: I couldn't tell her husband about the loan.
Ok. I don't loan people money. I don't ever want money to come between me and someone I love. If we were going to help it was going to be a gift.
After much discussion with my husband, we decided to give her the money on one condition: she tells her husband about the gift.
She declined our offer of assistance.
This entire situation saddens me for so many reasons.
1 - My sister is hurting. I want her to stop hurting, but if I have to be dishonest to do so, I'm not interested. However, it's still really upsetting that she's hurting.
2 - My sister can't be honest with her husband. I would NEVER hide something like this from my husband. If I'm in a pinch (due to circumstance or my own actions), I KNOW I can call on him for help without the fear of his judgement. I'm human and I make mistakes and that's ok with him. He's also human and makes mistakes and that's ok with me. It's upsetting that my sister feels she has to shoulder the knowledge of this financial burden alone.
3 - My sister is too proud to let her husband think "she can't handle the finances". I hate that her pride is causing her so much pain.
4 - This is so easily remedied, but she won't take the actions necessary to fix it. If she went to her husband and told him what was going on, they could shoulder this burden as a team. Sure, he might be upset that she waited until ends were nowhere near meeting to tell him, but he'll get over it and then they can move forward together. She's so terrified of his disapproval that she'd rather suffer alone and in silence.
This is so upsetting. I just want to eat all of this sadness away.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
A Traditional Asian Family
So my husband and I have started walking together. He's always taken daily walks but I've recently started to join him.
It's really romantic: we put our respective iPods on, ear buds in, and walk out the front door. We do not talk. We do not even walk together since his stride is naturally longer than mine.
We look like one of those uber-traditional Asian couples where the wife follows behind the husband at a considerable distance when they're out in public.
These walks are totally kicking my ass. I challenge any of you to keep up with my husband for 30 minutes and not get winded. If you don't get winded, put on a fat suit and THEN try to keep up with him.
As, um, exhilarating as our walks are, I actually enjoy them. The first few songs on my iPod are the toughest because I'm still warming up. Once I'm in the groove, I just try to keep up without breaking into a run.
We must look so silly.
It's really romantic: we put our respective iPods on, ear buds in, and walk out the front door. We do not talk. We do not even walk together since his stride is naturally longer than mine.
We look like one of those uber-traditional Asian couples where the wife follows behind the husband at a considerable distance when they're out in public.
These walks are totally kicking my ass. I challenge any of you to keep up with my husband for 30 minutes and not get winded. If you don't get winded, put on a fat suit and THEN try to keep up with him.
As, um, exhilarating as our walks are, I actually enjoy them. The first few songs on my iPod are the toughest because I'm still warming up. Once I'm in the groove, I just try to keep up without breaking into a run.
We must look so silly.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Dying young: totally stinker
I have a seriously unsettling family history of untimely deaths. Well, I guess no death is untimely because you're always going to die right on schedule.
I guess what I have is a family history of dying very young. My father lived the longest...to the ripe old age of 60. Seriously. He died 2 months after turning 60. My grandfather died in his 50's, grandmother died in her 50's, aunt died in her 50's...this is starting to freak me out.
I'm 30. It's totally possible that I've lived the bulk of my life already. I know we can all go at anytime, but accidents aside, I'd like to have a long life with my husband. I wish I wasn't following the same path of poor health that contributed to the early demise of so may of my deceased relatives.
I guess what I have is a family history of dying very young. My father lived the longest...to the ripe old age of 60. Seriously. He died 2 months after turning 60. My grandfather died in his 50's, grandmother died in her 50's, aunt died in her 50's...this is starting to freak me out.
I'm 30. It's totally possible that I've lived the bulk of my life already. I know we can all go at anytime, but accidents aside, I'd like to have a long life with my husband. I wish I wasn't following the same path of poor health that contributed to the early demise of so may of my deceased relatives.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Sterilization is stressful
I had my essure consultation today. I was pleasantly surprised that the Dr. didn't try to talk me out of it. He did stress that it was a permanent form of birth control several times. The more he said it, the more excited I became as the thought of permanent birth control is THRILLING to me.
I'm very upset to learn that there's a 10% chance that, once I'm sedated, the Dr. will be unable to locate my tubes. If he can't locate my tubes, he can't insert the essure implant into them. So there is a chance that I will go to the hospital, be knocked out (by meds and all my co-pays), only to walk out of the hospital a fertile Myrtle.
That makes me sad. I guess it's a chance we'll have to take. Whatever the expense, it's still less expensive than having a kid.
I dreamt last night that I was pregnant. I was SO UPSET. I thought my life was over. I was mourning all the things we'd never be able to do now that I was pregnant. In the dream, I ran into a friend of mine who was unable to successfully carry her 2nd pregnancy to term. She was really upset that I was pregnant and miserable while she was so desperate to be pregnant. I OFFERED HER MY BABY!
Funny that I don't even want kids on a subconscious level.
I really hope the essure procedure is successful.
I'm very upset to learn that there's a 10% chance that, once I'm sedated, the Dr. will be unable to locate my tubes. If he can't locate my tubes, he can't insert the essure implant into them. So there is a chance that I will go to the hospital, be knocked out (by meds and all my co-pays), only to walk out of the hospital a fertile Myrtle.
That makes me sad. I guess it's a chance we'll have to take. Whatever the expense, it's still less expensive than having a kid.
I dreamt last night that I was pregnant. I was SO UPSET. I thought my life was over. I was mourning all the things we'd never be able to do now that I was pregnant. In the dream, I ran into a friend of mine who was unable to successfully carry her 2nd pregnancy to term. She was really upset that I was pregnant and miserable while she was so desperate to be pregnant. I OFFERED HER MY BABY!
Funny that I don't even want kids on a subconscious level.
I really hope the essure procedure is successful.
Shopping for maternity clothes
Now don't get all excited. I'm not knocked up. Just fat.
I had to cave in and purchase some non-work clothes. I went to Target and the only plus size clothes that were fashionable were by Liz Lang. For those of you who don't shop at Target, Liz Lang specializes in maternity fashions.
So while I'm not pregnant, I am, in fact, wearing maternity clothes.
I don't know if I should laugh or cry...
I had to cave in and purchase some non-work clothes. I went to Target and the only plus size clothes that were fashionable were by Liz Lang. For those of you who don't shop at Target, Liz Lang specializes in maternity fashions.
So while I'm not pregnant, I am, in fact, wearing maternity clothes.
I don't know if I should laugh or cry...
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
I am more than just my wardrobe...
I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).
Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.
Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.
God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.
Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.
I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.
Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.
Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.
God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.
Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.
I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Hello, Miss Cleo?
When I was 16 I visited a psychic.
Now I'm the first person to tell you that most psychics are full of shit. I think they pick up on cues from their subjects and determine what information the subject would like to hear. This was not the case with Barbara, the woman I saw 14 years ago.
Here's how it went down:
I went to my then piano teacher's house. She was friends with Barbara and was hosting what I guess you could call a psychic party. We all had our appointments with Barbara scheduled and would hang out at the piano teacher's house whilst awaiting our turn.
When it was my turn, I walked into the room where Barbara was giving her readings. To my surprise, she was a normal looking lady. Probably in her 30's, blond (but not un-naturally so), slight build, really friendly.
We sat down at a table, Barbara pressed "record" on her tape recorder (the tape of the session was mine to take with me), took my hands in hers, and started talking to me. The entire first part of the reading was Barbara telling me about me. I said nothing, she did all the talking. Keep in mind, she knew nothing about me. I was at a piano studio that didn't offer voice lessons so she had no reason to know that I was a singer who loved performing in musicals (also note: I wasn't wearing anything that would give that away).
The second part of the reading was question and answer time. I had a bunch of stupid questions (I was only 16) about my immediate future. Over the next several months, all of her answers proved correct.
Here are some interesting, long term predictions she revealed in that session:
I would have 2 opportunities to marry very young. If I took these opportunities, I would have multiple marriages as I wasn't going to marry my forever-husband until my late 20's. (This was totally accurate)
I would have a successful corporate career. I wouldn't be the "head honcho", but I would be pretty high up on the food chain. (also totally accurate)
As I'm sitting here, "enjoying" my successful corporate career, I can't help but think of something else she said:
Even though I would have a successful corporate career, I would still be surrounded by theater. At some point, I would give up the corporate life to pursue theater exclusively.
This has been nagging at me a lot lately. It's a dream of mine to start a small theater company and produce musicals (some plays, too). The mission statement of my company would be to cast based on talent alone. Look would not be important. Not only is this an issue near and dear to my heart, but how often do you see a musical where someone "looks the part" but has no talent? Conversely, how often do you "forgive" a performer for not looking the part when they're super talented? In my experience, I've ALWAYS been forgiven my look (when given the opportunity) because of my talent.
Bottom Line: Audiences forgive me for being fat because I'm talented. Directors/producers never do and I want to change that (for myself and others like me) by becoming the producer.
There are a lot of talented people who aren't always working. I'd love to cast them in the shows I produce. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how this last "prediction" would ever come true.
Maybe I need to find Barbara for a follow up reading.
Now I'm the first person to tell you that most psychics are full of shit. I think they pick up on cues from their subjects and determine what information the subject would like to hear. This was not the case with Barbara, the woman I saw 14 years ago.
Here's how it went down:
I went to my then piano teacher's house. She was friends with Barbara and was hosting what I guess you could call a psychic party. We all had our appointments with Barbara scheduled and would hang out at the piano teacher's house whilst awaiting our turn.
When it was my turn, I walked into the room where Barbara was giving her readings. To my surprise, she was a normal looking lady. Probably in her 30's, blond (but not un-naturally so), slight build, really friendly.
We sat down at a table, Barbara pressed "record" on her tape recorder (the tape of the session was mine to take with me), took my hands in hers, and started talking to me. The entire first part of the reading was Barbara telling me about me. I said nothing, she did all the talking. Keep in mind, she knew nothing about me. I was at a piano studio that didn't offer voice lessons so she had no reason to know that I was a singer who loved performing in musicals (also note: I wasn't wearing anything that would give that away).
The second part of the reading was question and answer time. I had a bunch of stupid questions (I was only 16) about my immediate future. Over the next several months, all of her answers proved correct.
Here are some interesting, long term predictions she revealed in that session:
I would have 2 opportunities to marry very young. If I took these opportunities, I would have multiple marriages as I wasn't going to marry my forever-husband until my late 20's. (This was totally accurate)
I would have a successful corporate career. I wouldn't be the "head honcho", but I would be pretty high up on the food chain. (also totally accurate)
As I'm sitting here, "enjoying" my successful corporate career, I can't help but think of something else she said:
Even though I would have a successful corporate career, I would still be surrounded by theater. At some point, I would give up the corporate life to pursue theater exclusively.
This has been nagging at me a lot lately. It's a dream of mine to start a small theater company and produce musicals (some plays, too). The mission statement of my company would be to cast based on talent alone. Look would not be important. Not only is this an issue near and dear to my heart, but how often do you see a musical where someone "looks the part" but has no talent? Conversely, how often do you "forgive" a performer for not looking the part when they're super talented? In my experience, I've ALWAYS been forgiven my look (when given the opportunity) because of my talent.
Bottom Line: Audiences forgive me for being fat because I'm talented. Directors/producers never do and I want to change that (for myself and others like me) by becoming the producer.
There are a lot of talented people who aren't always working. I'd love to cast them in the shows I produce. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how this last "prediction" would ever come true.
Maybe I need to find Barbara for a follow up reading.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Eating makes my job less stressful.
Not really, but it sure helped yesterday.
After a really, really, REALLY, really, really, really bad day at the office, my husband and I indulged in some good, old fashioned comfort food at OCB.
If you've ever eaten here, you're well aware that it is not WW friendly at all. I guess it could be, but why eat tons of salad when there's fried chicken and soft serve to be had?
I also comforted my way through the work day today. While today was no where near as stressful as yesterday, I was totally shaken by yesterday's events. The breakfast pizza totally helped me ease my way back into work (with the assistance of a Carmel Frappuccino).
No wonder I can't lose weight.
After a really, really, REALLY, really, really, really bad day at the office, my husband and I indulged in some good, old fashioned comfort food at OCB.
If you've ever eaten here, you're well aware that it is not WW friendly at all. I guess it could be, but why eat tons of salad when there's fried chicken and soft serve to be had?
I also comforted my way through the work day today. While today was no where near as stressful as yesterday, I was totally shaken by yesterday's events. The breakfast pizza totally helped me ease my way back into work (with the assistance of a Carmel Frappuccino).
No wonder I can't lose weight.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
WHAT!?
I followed the Weight Watchers plan all week and I gained one pound. How is that possible?
I guess it's natural. I could be retaining water or whatever, but still. This is super un-encouraging.
I'm not going to let this devastate me. If I've gained next week, then I'll be devastated.
I guess it's natural. I could be retaining water or whatever, but still. This is super un-encouraging.
I'm not going to let this devastate me. If I've gained next week, then I'll be devastated.
Friday, June 20, 2008
Shopping for make-up: not stinker at all
My in laws gave me a very generous mall gift certificate for my 30th birthday. I would like to purchase some summer clothes that aren't dresses, but since I'm back on the Weight Watchers band wagon I should hold off on buying clothes for the time being.
Instead, I decided to spend the remainder of the gift certificate (already spent most of it on bedroom decor) at Sephora. If you're not familiar with Sephora, it's the most amazing cosmetics/fragrance/hair care store EVER! I feel in love with Sephora when I lived in VA and was devastated that we had nothing comparable here in Buffalo. I am devastated no longer as they now have a Sephora in the Walden Galleria!
I walked out of there with a teeny, tiny bag containing my bounty. It was amazing to me that $110 of make-up could fit in a bag so tiny. There was room in the bag for more make-up, but we do have a mortgage. Also amazing is how little I bought for that amount. Let's take a look:
- 3 Urban Decay eye shadows : Chopper, Smog, and Half Baked (which I'm sure my husband will refer to as brown, brown, and brown)
- Bare Vitamins "Prime Time" (this makes my foundation go on flawlessly)
- Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this purchase actually doesn't count as I was just replacing the Black Honey that I lost around Christmas time)
- Too Faced Lash Injection Mascara
The first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs and put on a full face. It's funny because I'm just going to sit around the house for the rest of the day and play with the dogs (who will not be able to appreciate my flawless foundation, dramatic lashes, the beautiful yet subtle tint on my lips, or the color on my lids).
That's ok. I like it :)
Instead, I decided to spend the remainder of the gift certificate (already spent most of it on bedroom decor) at Sephora. If you're not familiar with Sephora, it's the most amazing cosmetics/fragrance/hair care store EVER! I feel in love with Sephora when I lived in VA and was devastated that we had nothing comparable here in Buffalo. I am devastated no longer as they now have a Sephora in the Walden Galleria!
I walked out of there with a teeny, tiny bag containing my bounty. It was amazing to me that $110 of make-up could fit in a bag so tiny. There was room in the bag for more make-up, but we do have a mortgage. Also amazing is how little I bought for that amount. Let's take a look:
- 3 Urban Decay eye shadows : Chopper, Smog, and Half Baked (which I'm sure my husband will refer to as brown, brown, and brown)
- Bare Vitamins "Prime Time" (this makes my foundation go on flawlessly)
- Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this purchase actually doesn't count as I was just replacing the Black Honey that I lost around Christmas time)
- Too Faced Lash Injection Mascara
The first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs and put on a full face. It's funny because I'm just going to sit around the house for the rest of the day and play with the dogs (who will not be able to appreciate my flawless foundation, dramatic lashes, the beautiful yet subtle tint on my lips, or the color on my lids).
That's ok. I like it :)
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
My latest obsession
Ok. I'm losing sleep over a recent revelation and I must get it out of my brain. I've chosen my blog as my venue.
Our house is nearly 70 years old and I'm constantly thinking of ways to give the house the two things I'm desperate for: bigger/more bathrooms and a bigger kitchen.
The other day it hit me: If we remove the wall between the kitchen and the dining room, we could have one very large kitchen (with plenty of space in the middle for a huge dining table). In a house that's only 1400 square feet, there's no need for a formal dining room. There's no need for a formal anything. You need to utilize every square foot.
Taking out this wall would double the size of our kitchen. Literally. This extra space would allow me to take the fridge out of the hallway (you'd have to have been a house guest to understand) and use that vacant space to turn the downstairs powder room into a full bathroom.
Wait! What!? That's AMAZING!
Not only have I found the space to build a dream kitchen, I've found a way to add a 2nd FULL BATH to our home. I thought we'd need to add on to make these changes. You can't understand how excited I am to know that we can do it all in 1400 square feet!
On a related note, I'm totally crazy about these appliances. See how amazing and classic they look:
Seriously, they're unreal. They would make our kitchen totally beautiful and "period appropriate" without sacrificing quality or performance. I mean, seriously:
They're amazing.
Essure? Yes I am.
It's no secret that I don't want to have children. Fortunately, neither does my husband. I've always known this. My entire life I knew I'd eventually be married, but I never wanted to have kids. Ever.
Having recently turned 30, I think it's high time I take my fertility seriously. Sure, I'm cautious. My husband and I rely on 3 layers of protection. I'm sure we're 99.9999999997% protected against parenthood. It's that 0.0000000003% chance that terrifies me.
Recently our friends welcomed their first child. We payed them a visit days after its' arrival. As I walked in and saw my friend sitting there, swollen to high heaven with a baby on her lap, I thought, "if that was me, I'd kill myself".
This visit has inspired me to look into sterilization. Sounds high-drama, I know, but I'm that serious about my family planning.
I have an appointment next week with a doctor who performs the essure procedure. If you're unfamiliar with the procedure, it's pretty amazing. I'm not going to describe it because it makes me want to cross my legs and vomit, but I think I can handle 35 minutes of extreme discomfort.
I'm sure it's not as painful as motherhood.
Having recently turned 30, I think it's high time I take my fertility seriously. Sure, I'm cautious. My husband and I rely on 3 layers of protection. I'm sure we're 99.9999999997% protected against parenthood. It's that 0.0000000003% chance that terrifies me.
Recently our friends welcomed their first child. We payed them a visit days after its' arrival. As I walked in and saw my friend sitting there, swollen to high heaven with a baby on her lap, I thought, "if that was me, I'd kill myself".
This visit has inspired me to look into sterilization. Sounds high-drama, I know, but I'm that serious about my family planning.
I have an appointment next week with a doctor who performs the essure procedure. If you're unfamiliar with the procedure, it's pretty amazing. I'm not going to describe it because it makes me want to cross my legs and vomit, but I think I can handle 35 minutes of extreme discomfort.
I'm sure it's not as painful as motherhood.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Fascinating revelation of the day
If I eat a vegetable and a protein at each meal, I'm pretty darn satisfied.
Fascinating stuff.
Fascinating stuff.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
Update
Since my last post my belief in God's love for me has continued to grow. It's pretty amazing how little I have to worry about things like what other's think of me when I'm certain of His love for me.
The benefits have been many:
- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.
Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)
That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).
Not doing so well on the smoking front.
I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...
All things in time, I guess.
The benefits have been many:
- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.
Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)
That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).
Not doing so well on the smoking front.
I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...
All things in time, I guess.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
So I should be freaking out...
...but I'm not.
I went to the store tonight and had every intention of purchasing more garbage. For whatever reason, as I approached the store I had this sudden, overwhelming desire to make better choices.
I was so motivated that I went home, added today's not-so-great food choices into my weight watchers tracker, weighed myself, and have every intention of making better choices from this moment on.
So far so good.
It's only been like 2 hours, though.
Here's why I should be freaking out: I weigh more than ever. Yes. I've managed to hit another all-time high weight. Since my all-time low in December of 2006, I've gained 97lbs. I've gained a high school aged child. Yes, I'm enormous.
Why am I not freaking out? Because God loves me. I'm perfect exactly as I am.
Because God loves me, I think I'm going to make some changes around here. Actually, I'm just going to believe in God and let Him make the changes. I think He's already gotten started :)
I went to the store tonight and had every intention of purchasing more garbage. For whatever reason, as I approached the store I had this sudden, overwhelming desire to make better choices.
I was so motivated that I went home, added today's not-so-great food choices into my weight watchers tracker, weighed myself, and have every intention of making better choices from this moment on.
So far so good.
It's only been like 2 hours, though.
Here's why I should be freaking out: I weigh more than ever. Yes. I've managed to hit another all-time high weight. Since my all-time low in December of 2006, I've gained 97lbs. I've gained a high school aged child. Yes, I'm enormous.
Why am I not freaking out? Because God loves me. I'm perfect exactly as I am.
Because God loves me, I think I'm going to make some changes around here. Actually, I'm just going to believe in God and let Him make the changes. I think He's already gotten started :)
Feeling...different.
I read this book on the recommendation of my counselor. Actually, it was more than a recommendation. She gave me the book (thanks, Elaine!).
I read it, loved it, and am reading it again to catch anything I might have missed. I had no idea I was an approval addict. I always thought of approval addicts as people-pleasers, "yes" people and doormats. Well, I have discovered that I, too, am an approval addict.
How do I seek out approval? I want to get the world's approval for being the thinnest, most talented, best dressed/coiffed/manicured woman on earth. Just like any addict, when I don't have the world's approval I go through withdrawal. Since withdrawal is stinker, I fill THAT void with food, cigarettes and shopping.
So what did I learn from the book? The only person who's approval I need is God's. Guess what? I already have his approval. Also, to hate myself is really terrible because God loves me so much that he gave His son's life for my sins. To hate someone (me) who God loves so much just doesn't make any sense.
This book has really helped me alot. Totally opened my eyes :)
I read it, loved it, and am reading it again to catch anything I might have missed. I had no idea I was an approval addict. I always thought of approval addicts as people-pleasers, "yes" people and doormats. Well, I have discovered that I, too, am an approval addict.
How do I seek out approval? I want to get the world's approval for being the thinnest, most talented, best dressed/coiffed/manicured woman on earth. Just like any addict, when I don't have the world's approval I go through withdrawal. Since withdrawal is stinker, I fill THAT void with food, cigarettes and shopping.
So what did I learn from the book? The only person who's approval I need is God's. Guess what? I already have his approval. Also, to hate myself is really terrible because God loves me so much that he gave His son's life for my sins. To hate someone (me) who God loves so much just doesn't make any sense.
This book has really helped me alot. Totally opened my eyes :)
Saturday, May 17, 2008
I'm all old and wise now.
No I'm not, but I feel like I'm on the right track.
I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.
I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.
If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.
I finally want to love myself, too.
I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.
I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.
If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.
I finally want to love myself, too.
Monday, May 5, 2008
I'm the fattest 30 year old in WNY
Ugh. I really hate being fat. Why won't I do anything about it? Why won't I get this shit under control?
I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...
I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.
I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.
I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.
Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.
I hate auditions.
I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...
I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.
I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.
I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.
Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.
I hate auditions.
I'm 130 years old
I've officially turned 30 and I'm taking the cliche "I'm 30" inventory. I don't pretend to be original.
Here's what's great about being 30:
- Awesome birthday presents! Special birthday girls who marry well get to go here for a 2 day birthday get away. They also get to eat dinner here AND here. If they've been really good, they also get an in room facial and manicure. Thanks, honey!
- My relationship with God continues to grow.
- I have a wonderful family. My husband and dogs bring more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined.
- My true friends are amazing people.
- I really enjoy what I do for a living.
- We have a beautiful home, want for nothing, and live a very comfortable lifestyle. Not to mention the fact that we're finally in a position to really thrive financially.
What's stinker about being 30:
- I'm still so fat. So, so, so fat.
- I still don't love myself.
- If I don't get my eating, etc., under control, my time on this earth is officially 1/2 over (possibly more).
Amazing how the negatives can totally negate the positives.
Here's what's great about being 30:
- Awesome birthday presents! Special birthday girls who marry well get to go here for a 2 day birthday get away. They also get to eat dinner here AND here. If they've been really good, they also get an in room facial and manicure. Thanks, honey!
- My relationship with God continues to grow.
- I have a wonderful family. My husband and dogs bring more joy to my life than I could have ever imagined.
- My true friends are amazing people.
- I really enjoy what I do for a living.
- We have a beautiful home, want for nothing, and live a very comfortable lifestyle. Not to mention the fact that we're finally in a position to really thrive financially.
What's stinker about being 30:
- I'm still so fat. So, so, so fat.
- I still don't love myself.
- If I don't get my eating, etc., under control, my time on this earth is officially 1/2 over (possibly more).
Amazing how the negatives can totally negate the positives.
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Carrying so much weight.
I'm so unhappy and I don't understand why. As I've fallen back into not-so-old bad habits, I'm realizing that I prefer (at least on some level) to stumble through life medicating my unhappiness.
I don't even TRY (for any extended period of time) to live a clean life because then I have nothing to get me through my day. Nothing to distract me from who I am and what I've become. I hate this person. I do nothing but think about how I hate being this way.
Then, when things get too unpleasant, I reach for my familiar distractions. I know I'm doing it. I feel myself falling from grace. I don't stop myself. To be numb is such a familiar place. My safe place.
But I am not nurtured when I'm numb. As soon as the "high" wears off (and I'm finding there's no longer a high, only a short period of distraction), I feel just as low as before I reached for comfort. Often even lower.
I know before I numb myself that this process will not lead to happiness, but I am so unhappy that I can't stop myself. That's not true. I can do anything. I won't stop myself because being without ANY comfort is an unbearable thought. If I cannot medicate my pain, what will I do? Feel it? I feel it all day long. I only seek a moment's peace. That is why I want to be numb. I want peace.
I would never end my life. There are too many things I love about this life to let my pain win absolutely. However, I can understand why people do. There comes a time when the pain is so great that all I want is quiet. That is one of the reasons why people, in my opinion, take their lives. They wish for peace.
I don't even TRY (for any extended period of time) to live a clean life because then I have nothing to get me through my day. Nothing to distract me from who I am and what I've become. I hate this person. I do nothing but think about how I hate being this way.
Then, when things get too unpleasant, I reach for my familiar distractions. I know I'm doing it. I feel myself falling from grace. I don't stop myself. To be numb is such a familiar place. My safe place.
But I am not nurtured when I'm numb. As soon as the "high" wears off (and I'm finding there's no longer a high, only a short period of distraction), I feel just as low as before I reached for comfort. Often even lower.
I know before I numb myself that this process will not lead to happiness, but I am so unhappy that I can't stop myself. That's not true. I can do anything. I won't stop myself because being without ANY comfort is an unbearable thought. If I cannot medicate my pain, what will I do? Feel it? I feel it all day long. I only seek a moment's peace. That is why I want to be numb. I want peace.
I would never end my life. There are too many things I love about this life to let my pain win absolutely. However, I can understand why people do. There comes a time when the pain is so great that all I want is quiet. That is one of the reasons why people, in my opinion, take their lives. They wish for peace.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Victim Free Zone
I am not one to waste my time pursuing relationships with individuals who have no interest in pursuing relationships with me. Why? Because I'm a highly logical person.
If Sally at work consistently blows me off when we have plans and only wants to see me at the holiday party (and by "wants" I mean "we both happen to be there, so we'll chat if forced"), why would I pursue a relationship with her? Answer: I wouldn't.
Life is too short and there are too many things I enjoy. I don't want any of my limited number of days on this earth spent with anyone other than my husband, my friends and my pugs.
Why, then, do I spend every holiday/birthday with people who share my blood but don't actually want to spend time with me? I have no idea. Why should my attitude towards family be any different than my attitude toward Sally at work? Family deserves no special treatment. If Sally's behavior isn't worth tolerating, neither is my family's behavior. It stops today.
If Sally at work consistently blows me off when we have plans and only wants to see me at the holiday party (and by "wants" I mean "we both happen to be there, so we'll chat if forced"), why would I pursue a relationship with her? Answer: I wouldn't.
Life is too short and there are too many things I enjoy. I don't want any of my limited number of days on this earth spent with anyone other than my husband, my friends and my pugs.
Why, then, do I spend every holiday/birthday with people who share my blood but don't actually want to spend time with me? I have no idea. Why should my attitude towards family be any different than my attitude toward Sally at work? Family deserves no special treatment. If Sally's behavior isn't worth tolerating, neither is my family's behavior. It stops today.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Discrimination
This article sickens me.
I love that employers are all about helping "people" maintain a "life/work balance" as long as those "people" are parents.
As a childfree woman who works in a cubicle, I would be horribly offended if Suzie, who decides to have a child, gets use of an office for 9 months!
Another favorite:
"Scout is so well-adjusted, and people come over all the time to play with her. They jump at the chance to watch Scout if I have a phone call," Hewlett says.
So when you have a phone call and can't take care of your child, other employees who DO want to take care of your child get to take time out of their work day to do so? Since I don't want to babysit for you I guess I'll just sit over here and WORK!
I'm also horrified by:
Many companies balk at the concept of babies at work full time. At Ernst & Young accounting firm, parents can get subsidized, backup child care in their homes.
Why would an office subsidize childcare? I certainly hope there's a comparable subsidy being offered to the employees who chose NOT to have children, but I sincerely doubt it.
Don't even get me started on maternity leave, the increased use of sick days by employees with children, the assumption that I don't really need any premium vacation days (ie: Christmas, etc) since I don't have children, the fact that I could never leave work early to hit the gym but a parent can leave for any myriad of child-related reasons (play, recital, soccer game, whatever)...
Ugh. I guess I am started.
I love that employers are all about helping "people" maintain a "life/work balance" as long as those "people" are parents.
As a childfree woman who works in a cubicle, I would be horribly offended if Suzie, who decides to have a child, gets use of an office for 9 months!
Another favorite:
"Scout is so well-adjusted, and people come over all the time to play with her. They jump at the chance to watch Scout if I have a phone call," Hewlett says.
So when you have a phone call and can't take care of your child, other employees who DO want to take care of your child get to take time out of their work day to do so? Since I don't want to babysit for you I guess I'll just sit over here and WORK!
I'm also horrified by:
Many companies balk at the concept of babies at work full time. At Ernst & Young accounting firm, parents can get subsidized, backup child care in their homes.
Why would an office subsidize childcare? I certainly hope there's a comparable subsidy being offered to the employees who chose NOT to have children, but I sincerely doubt it.
Don't even get me started on maternity leave, the increased use of sick days by employees with children, the assumption that I don't really need any premium vacation days (ie: Christmas, etc) since I don't have children, the fact that I could never leave work early to hit the gym but a parent can leave for any myriad of child-related reasons (play, recital, soccer game, whatever)...
Ugh. I guess I am started.
Friday, March 28, 2008
And I lived to tell the tale...
Shopping the other day really sucked. Aunt Flo was on the midnight train to Buffalo so it upset me more than it normally would have. Here's the cool thing: I was super sad, but I didn't drown my sadness in food/use food to numb myself.
That is huge.
I was in pain and I allowed myself to experience that pain. More importantly, being sad didn't kill me (something I'm clearly afraid of).
More proof that I am learning how to deal with life.
That is huge.
I was in pain and I allowed myself to experience that pain. More importantly, being sad didn't kill me (something I'm clearly afraid of).
More proof that I am learning how to deal with life.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Shopping sucks when you're fat
When you're gaining weight, you have to buy new clothes. This sucks as shopping is totally unpleasant when you're fat.
Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.
Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.
With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.
So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.
I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.
It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.
I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.
I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.
Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.
Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.
With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.
So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.
I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.
It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.
I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.
I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
Decency
I've mentioned many times in this blog that I have a really hard time committing to a diet/exercise routine long term because I'm such an extremist. I'm either operating at a very hard-core 120% or eating everything in site (because if I can't operate at a very hard-core 120%, what's the point?).
This has made it very difficult for me to be totally committed to OA. Part of the program is picking an eating plan and sticking to it. Well, whenever I have an eating plan I have to be totally hard-core (tuna, cottage cheese, protein powder, lean meats, and very little else) because anything less than this would make my inner-critic have a field day. Can you blame me for postponing this step? I'm actually afraid to go on a diet because not only am I so critical of myself, I also ALWAYS fall back into anorexia eventually.
So what's a girl to do? My friend and I were solving the world's problems over many glasses of wine a few evenings ago. She has been following the Weight Watchers plan for a while now and has been really successful. I've always been so envious that she is able to be happy with her success and not kill herself to be a size 0 (something I've never been able to do). She can just live her life, eat right, exercise, and be in good shape without becoming anorexic or constantly battling an inner-critic. What is her secret???!!!
She told me, and it was seriously life changing.
"I try to have a decent day, everyday"
It's that simple. She doesn't KILL herself at the gym, but she goes several times a week. Every workout doesn't have to be the most balls-to-the-wall workout she's ever had, it just has to be decent. Every meal doesn't have to be the perfect combination of lean meat, "good" carbs and "good" fats, it just has to be decent enough to fit into her daily Weight Watchers points allowance.
WHAT!? I can just be decent? Really? That's INSANE!
This concept has seriously turned me inside-out (in a good way).
So what did I do with this amazing pearl of wisdom? Well, I went home, joined Weight Watchers, had a decent day of eating and completed a decent workout. Imagine what I can accomplish after months/years of decent days.
I am forever in her debt.
This has made it very difficult for me to be totally committed to OA. Part of the program is picking an eating plan and sticking to it. Well, whenever I have an eating plan I have to be totally hard-core (tuna, cottage cheese, protein powder, lean meats, and very little else) because anything less than this would make my inner-critic have a field day. Can you blame me for postponing this step? I'm actually afraid to go on a diet because not only am I so critical of myself, I also ALWAYS fall back into anorexia eventually.
So what's a girl to do? My friend and I were solving the world's problems over many glasses of wine a few evenings ago. She has been following the Weight Watchers plan for a while now and has been really successful. I've always been so envious that she is able to be happy with her success and not kill herself to be a size 0 (something I've never been able to do). She can just live her life, eat right, exercise, and be in good shape without becoming anorexic or constantly battling an inner-critic. What is her secret???!!!
She told me, and it was seriously life changing.
"I try to have a decent day, everyday"
It's that simple. She doesn't KILL herself at the gym, but she goes several times a week. Every workout doesn't have to be the most balls-to-the-wall workout she's ever had, it just has to be decent. Every meal doesn't have to be the perfect combination of lean meat, "good" carbs and "good" fats, it just has to be decent enough to fit into her daily Weight Watchers points allowance.
WHAT!? I can just be decent? Really? That's INSANE!
This concept has seriously turned me inside-out (in a good way).
So what did I do with this amazing pearl of wisdom? Well, I went home, joined Weight Watchers, had a decent day of eating and completed a decent workout. Imagine what I can accomplish after months/years of decent days.
I am forever in her debt.
Sunday, March 9, 2008
Things are going better
I'm trying to monitor my intake without going insane. I've started entering the food I eat and the exercises I do into an online diary. So far it's not freaking me out. I'm actually doing pretty well.
Last night I met some girlfriends out at a local steakhouse. I ate light all day in preparation for what I knew would be a huge meal. I totally ate WAY MORE than my allotted daily calories, but am not freaking out about it. I went over yesterday's calories by 1,400. That's alot, I agree, but instead of starving myself or punishing myself, I've decided to eat 200 fewer calories for the next 7 days to offset this indulgence.
I'm not starving or going crazy, just keeping my weekly calories at the right level. To be sane and logical in response to an indulgence is a huge step for me. Just more proof that prayer and OA are working for me.
Last night I met some girlfriends out at a local steakhouse. I ate light all day in preparation for what I knew would be a huge meal. I totally ate WAY MORE than my allotted daily calories, but am not freaking out about it. I went over yesterday's calories by 1,400. That's alot, I agree, but instead of starving myself or punishing myself, I've decided to eat 200 fewer calories for the next 7 days to offset this indulgence.
I'm not starving or going crazy, just keeping my weekly calories at the right level. To be sane and logical in response to an indulgence is a huge step for me. Just more proof that prayer and OA are working for me.
Daylight Savings Time
Apparently, today is the day we "spring ahead" one hour. Who knew? I clearly did not. I demonstrated my blatant disregard for the time change by showing up at the end of this morning's OA meeting. I thought it was the beginning of the meeting...
Even though I missed the meeting, my trip downtown wasn't for naught. As I was leaving the meeting, an octogenarian's car was stuck in the parking lot. He was struggling to shovel himself out, so I lent a hand. After I freed his car from the snowbank, he insisted on buying me lunch today (in the form of handing me a $10 bill and telling me to get lunch). I wanted to refuse it, but I think it was more of a dignity thing for him to be able to repay me for my services.
Pretty interesting morning.
Even though I missed the meeting, my trip downtown wasn't for naught. As I was leaving the meeting, an octogenarian's car was stuck in the parking lot. He was struggling to shovel himself out, so I lent a hand. After I freed his car from the snowbank, he insisted on buying me lunch today (in the form of handing me a $10 bill and telling me to get lunch). I wanted to refuse it, but I think it was more of a dignity thing for him to be able to repay me for my services.
Pretty interesting morning.
Monday, February 18, 2008
12 steps - Not stinker at all
So I've been attending OA since the new year. I have to admit, it's going really well. So well, in fact, that I had to share. If you're not familiar with the 12 steps of OA, here they are:
1 - We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I'm currently focusing on step 3. I have handed control of my life, particularly my relationship with food, over to God. What's so cool is, He's definitely taking control. You would think handing control over to God would mean a loss of freedom. In reality, giving control over to God has given me freedom.
The biggest change since God's taken over has been the difference in the tone/thought process of the voice inside myself. Before I asked God to take over, the voice in my head was very critical. If I made a good choice about food, my inner critc would strong arm me into making that good choice with words of encouragemetnt such as "Only a fat person would eat that. Want to be fat? If so, eat up."
Now, when making a decision about food, the voice sounds more like "Fries or yogurt? I'll have the yogurt".
I know that might not seem like a big deal, but it's huge for me. I'm so thankful.
1 - We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
I'm currently focusing on step 3. I have handed control of my life, particularly my relationship with food, over to God. What's so cool is, He's definitely taking control. You would think handing control over to God would mean a loss of freedom. In reality, giving control over to God has given me freedom.
The biggest change since God's taken over has been the difference in the tone/thought process of the voice inside myself. Before I asked God to take over, the voice in my head was very critical. If I made a good choice about food, my inner critc would strong arm me into making that good choice with words of encouragemetnt such as "Only a fat person would eat that. Want to be fat? If so, eat up."
Now, when making a decision about food, the voice sounds more like "Fries or yogurt? I'll have the yogurt".
I know that might not seem like a big deal, but it's huge for me. I'm so thankful.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
The Witch Doctor
My husband and I are in the middle of a film festival of sorts. It started Sunday night with M. Night Shyamalan's (who in our house is known as M. Night Shama Lama Ding Dong) "Lady in the Water". Say what you will, critics, but I LOVED it! Really, really loved it. I was floored to see that it did so stinker in the theaters.
I wouldn't recommend this film to everyone. I mean, if you're cynical and jaded you could very easily pick the ridiculous premise apart. But I had no idea what to expect and just let the movie take me on a ride. A ride that I loved.
Critics were super, um, critical because M. Knight Shyamalan cast himself not in a bit part, but as a fledgling writer who's work would influence a great leader of the future. Critics saw this as hubris, but I saw it, well, I agree with this review from Christian Spotlight:
"The decision of Shyamalan to include himself in the film as one who will change the world is in no way offensive to me. I didn't see it as a sign of arrogance. I actually saw it as a personal confession. He was being vulnerable for us. Opening up his heart and telling us what he desires to be. Kind of like the child that shouts out with no inhibition or fear of misjudgment that he will one day be a police officer, fire-fighter or an astronaut. He will one day make a difference in this world. That is what I took from Shyamalan's performance in this film."
My love of Lady in the Water sparked my desire to see the rest of M. Night Shyamalan's films. So far, I'm not impressed.
Last night we watched "Signs". I'm not super into the whole alien invasion thing. While I did scream out loud at one point, I spent much of the movie unimpressed. What I DID like about the film was that its' ultimate message wasn't about aliens at all. Sure there were crop circles, lights in the sky, and full-on alien encounters, but these were all a backdrop to the journey of the main character, Rev. Graham Hess.
I liked how I felt as the credits started rolling. Other than that, I wasn't super impressed with the film.
The Village is next on the list.
I wouldn't recommend this film to everyone. I mean, if you're cynical and jaded you could very easily pick the ridiculous premise apart. But I had no idea what to expect and just let the movie take me on a ride. A ride that I loved.
Critics were super, um, critical because M. Knight Shyamalan cast himself not in a bit part, but as a fledgling writer who's work would influence a great leader of the future. Critics saw this as hubris, but I saw it, well, I agree with this review from Christian Spotlight:
"The decision of Shyamalan to include himself in the film as one who will change the world is in no way offensive to me. I didn't see it as a sign of arrogance. I actually saw it as a personal confession. He was being vulnerable for us. Opening up his heart and telling us what he desires to be. Kind of like the child that shouts out with no inhibition or fear of misjudgment that he will one day be a police officer, fire-fighter or an astronaut. He will one day make a difference in this world. That is what I took from Shyamalan's performance in this film."
My love of Lady in the Water sparked my desire to see the rest of M. Night Shyamalan's films. So far, I'm not impressed.
Last night we watched "Signs". I'm not super into the whole alien invasion thing. While I did scream out loud at one point, I spent much of the movie unimpressed. What I DID like about the film was that its' ultimate message wasn't about aliens at all. Sure there were crop circles, lights in the sky, and full-on alien encounters, but these were all a backdrop to the journey of the main character, Rev. Graham Hess.
I liked how I felt as the credits started rolling. Other than that, I wasn't super impressed with the film.
The Village is next on the list.
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Frustration is stinker
Today I'm feeling very sad and frustrated.
To date, I've been attending weekly OA meetings but have not yet "abstained" from overeating. In order to abstain, OA recommends you have an eating plan and stick to it. This is where I'm stumbling. Here's why:
- I have no idea where to start. I've followed so many eating plans and have stuck to none of them. That's the one thing all my attempted eating plans have in common. There's a myriad of books, websites, information, etc, out there. I have no idea where to go or what to do. All I really want to do is eat healthy, but what does that mean? How do you do that?
- I can't cook. Eating plans in the past have failed, in part, because I can't cook. I end up eating the required foods, but in their naked form. If I needed to eat low-fat/high protein, I ate tons of tuna and cottage cheese. This got old after a few weeks.
- I'm scared of restriction. My history of anorexia and my tendency to restrict in the extreme make me very fearful of making a change in my diet. The pattern has always been the same: I start out strong, I start to cut back (a little at a time), before I know it...I'm starving myself again.
So how do you eat healthy but not measure everything that goes into your mouth? I have no idea.
I could cry.
To date, I've been attending weekly OA meetings but have not yet "abstained" from overeating. In order to abstain, OA recommends you have an eating plan and stick to it. This is where I'm stumbling. Here's why:
- I have no idea where to start. I've followed so many eating plans and have stuck to none of them. That's the one thing all my attempted eating plans have in common. There's a myriad of books, websites, information, etc, out there. I have no idea where to go or what to do. All I really want to do is eat healthy, but what does that mean? How do you do that?
- I can't cook. Eating plans in the past have failed, in part, because I can't cook. I end up eating the required foods, but in their naked form. If I needed to eat low-fat/high protein, I ate tons of tuna and cottage cheese. This got old after a few weeks.
- I'm scared of restriction. My history of anorexia and my tendency to restrict in the extreme make me very fearful of making a change in my diet. The pattern has always been the same: I start out strong, I start to cut back (a little at a time), before I know it...I'm starving myself again.
So how do you eat healthy but not measure everything that goes into your mouth? I have no idea.
I could cry.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Acceptance
At today's OA meeting our discussion focused on this passage from the big book:
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I acceppt that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my {overeating}, I could not stay {abstinent}; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
This passage really struck me.
Everyday I am constantly reminded by my inner critic and the outside world that I am unacceptable because I am fat. My goal is to make myself acceptable to my inner critic and the outside world (even though I know I'm no more acceptable to myself when not fat).
To hear that everything about me and my life at this moment is exactly as God intends it to be really opened my eyes. I think of this time in my life as a mistake or phase to pass quickly through. Something that needs to be fixed. To hear that is not the case at all... woah. God wants me to be this way today. This is no mistake. Everything is exactly as it should be.
This doesn't mean that I want to stay this way forever. What's cool is, it doesn't matter what I want. I'm already exactly as God wants me to be. This gives me great strength to move forward and overcome my food addiction. Knowing that I don't have to fix anything about myself in order to fight, that I'm just as I should be, that I don't have to hate myself for who I am today...wow.
"And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation - some fact of my life - unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I acceppt that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my {overeating}, I could not stay {abstinent}; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes."
This passage really struck me.
Everyday I am constantly reminded by my inner critic and the outside world that I am unacceptable because I am fat. My goal is to make myself acceptable to my inner critic and the outside world (even though I know I'm no more acceptable to myself when not fat).
To hear that everything about me and my life at this moment is exactly as God intends it to be really opened my eyes. I think of this time in my life as a mistake or phase to pass quickly through. Something that needs to be fixed. To hear that is not the case at all... woah. God wants me to be this way today. This is no mistake. Everything is exactly as it should be.
This doesn't mean that I want to stay this way forever. What's cool is, it doesn't matter what I want. I'm already exactly as God wants me to be. This gives me great strength to move forward and overcome my food addiction. Knowing that I don't have to fix anything about myself in order to fight, that I'm just as I should be, that I don't have to hate myself for who I am today...wow.
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
OA - nothing stinker about it.
After that HUGE therapy session, I still decided to go to an OA meeting. I'm so glad I did. My husband, being the amazing pillar of support that he is, wanted to go, too. While he doesn't suffer from personal food issues, he DEFINITELY suffers from my personal food issues.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
Therapy - You should be in it, too.
Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
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