I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).
Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.
Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.
God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.
Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.
I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.
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