Ugh. I hate starting anything because failing sucks so bad. Things were going well and then, just like that, they weren't going well at all. Here I am again. I'm depressed, tired, craving crappy food, blah, blah, blah....
I'm still working with my chiropracter to get my health in order, but I'm not super into it. I feel like nothing is ever going to work for me so it's difficult to be motivated about anything. At this point I'm convinced I'm going to live a miserable life only to die young and fat.
I'm so sick of my own bullshit I could scream.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
Monday, January 12, 2009
Oprah
Ok. I'm not proud of it, but Oprah totally changed my life. Last week's "best life" show about falling off the wagon totally motivated me to get back on it. 7 days later, I'm still riding the wagon better than anyone on the Oregon Trail (I'm too clever for my own good).
Some things about that show that really stuck with me:
- She has every resource in the world and she STILL can't get it together. How many times have you heard someone say "If I had that kind of money, I'd have a personal trainer/chef/team of people assisting me with my weight loss efforts". Well, if Oprah's money doesn't have any affect on her struggle, money is clearly not any kind of factor in whether or not someone is going to be healthy.
- "You're not hungry for food, so what are you hungry for?". More profound words were never spoken. I'm hungry for love. That's why I eat. With every binge I'm chasing the "high" that I can only get from loving myself.
I had the epiphany (and we know where those really come from) that the deck is stacked against me. I'm constantly fatigued, depressed, have difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, difficulty waking/getting out of bed, difficulty getting motivated (even when the activity at hand is one I enjoy). I was relying on stimulants just to get through the day and they were no longer working. I want to get all these things taken care of in order to stack the cards in my favor.
I went to my chiropractor (he's also a nutritionist) and we're working together to correct the vitamin deficiencies and such that are currently making it so difficult for me to start and stick with a healthy lifestyle. Next week, I'm meeting with an expert in homeopathy and she's going to work some more magic.
My goal is to get healthy. Once that happens, weight loss will be a side-effect. I'll keep you posted.
Some things about that show that really stuck with me:
- She has every resource in the world and she STILL can't get it together. How many times have you heard someone say "If I had that kind of money, I'd have a personal trainer/chef/team of people assisting me with my weight loss efforts". Well, if Oprah's money doesn't have any affect on her struggle, money is clearly not any kind of factor in whether or not someone is going to be healthy.
- "You're not hungry for food, so what are you hungry for?". More profound words were never spoken. I'm hungry for love. That's why I eat. With every binge I'm chasing the "high" that I can only get from loving myself.
I had the epiphany (and we know where those really come from) that the deck is stacked against me. I'm constantly fatigued, depressed, have difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, difficulty waking/getting out of bed, difficulty getting motivated (even when the activity at hand is one I enjoy). I was relying on stimulants just to get through the day and they were no longer working. I want to get all these things taken care of in order to stack the cards in my favor.
I went to my chiropractor (he's also a nutritionist) and we're working together to correct the vitamin deficiencies and such that are currently making it so difficult for me to start and stick with a healthy lifestyle. Next week, I'm meeting with an expert in homeopathy and she's going to work some more magic.
My goal is to get healthy. Once that happens, weight loss will be a side-effect. I'll keep you posted.
Monday, January 5, 2009
I wouldn't feed that to a DOG.
Sound familiar? Yeah. You say it when something is super gross and not fit for human (or canine) consumption.
Tonight as I was feeding my 3 pugs I thought "I monitor every bite that goes into their mouths. They don't eat anything that isn't totally good for them because I want them to live forever".
Why do I do this for my dogs? Because I love them SO MUCH that I can't imagine letting them eat garbage (or do anything else that might endanger their health/shorten their lives).
Why are my dogs worthy of my love in regard to what goes in their bodies, but I am not?
Tonight as I was feeding my 3 pugs I thought "I monitor every bite that goes into their mouths. They don't eat anything that isn't totally good for them because I want them to live forever".
Why do I do this for my dogs? Because I love them SO MUCH that I can't imagine letting them eat garbage (or do anything else that might endanger their health/shorten their lives).
Why are my dogs worthy of my love in regard to what goes in their bodies, but I am not?
Friday, October 10, 2008
Monday, October 6, 2008
Discomfort
I hate being uncomfortable. So much so that every time I feel slightly uncomfortable, I reach for food, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol.
Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...
Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?
Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".
Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.
Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.
Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...
Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?
Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".
Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.
Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
God, I'm a dancer
Last night was a big night for me. I attended my first dance class in 8 years!
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
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