I have to say, so far I'm very satisfied with the Cheat to Lose diet. I'm only hungry when I wait too long between meals (which can happen when things get crazy at work) and I'm finding that I have no cravings. Coming from a girl who, less than one month ago, couldn't go a single day without a binge, this is a huge accomplishment.
My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.
I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.
I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).
That's all for now.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The Dieter's Nightmare
Possibly you've heard of the actor's nightmare? If not, it's a dream that many actor's have involving being on stage and having no clue what show you're in/what your lines are/what the choreography is/you name it.
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
Saturday, October 6, 2007
Sweats
Finding clothes in my closet that fit me is a challenge. I refuse to buy any more fat clothes so I am forced to figure something out on a daily basis.
Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.
Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.
Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.
Ugh.
Being fat is stinker.
Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.
Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.
Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.
Ugh.
Being fat is stinker.
10/06/07 Stats
The results of today's weigh in are:
Current Weight: 200
Lbs Lost: 10
Lbs From Goal Weight: 65
Friday, October 5, 2007
Costume fittings are stinker.
So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.
The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.
But then a miracle happened.
The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.
I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."
Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.
The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.
But then a miracle happened.
The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.
I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."
Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.
My head: it's crazy in here.
My husband is a big guy. Not in the "fat" way, but in the "guy-who-clearly-lifts-weights" way. He's taking a very simple approach to our "Cheat to Lose" diet.
Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."
For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."
Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.
I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?
Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.
Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."
For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."
Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.
I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?
Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.
The girl in the mirror is fat.
It's hard to be super motivated to stick to my diet when I still see a fat girl in the mirror. Don't get me wrong, I'm not tempted to deviate from my diet at all. Quite the opposite. I'm feeling really good about myself and my progress until I look in the mirror.
I also hate that everyone else still sees a fat girl when they look at me. I know that I'm eating like a skinny girl, but if you were to pass me on the street you'd have no idea that I care about what goes into my mouth. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head.
To try to give the fat girl in the mirror a break, I've decided not to judge my success in the short term. It took me 9-10 months to gain this weight so it will take at least that long to lose it. I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror after 10 days of improved eating. Heck, knowing me, I may not EVER like what I see in the mirror.
I guess the bottom line is I have to fight my inner-critic daily, no matter what size I am.
I also hate that everyone else still sees a fat girl when they look at me. I know that I'm eating like a skinny girl, but if you were to pass me on the street you'd have no idea that I care about what goes into my mouth. Yeah, these are the crazy thoughts that go through my head.
To try to give the fat girl in the mirror a break, I've decided not to judge my success in the short term. It took me 9-10 months to gain this weight so it will take at least that long to lose it. I'm not going to like what I see in the mirror after 10 days of improved eating. Heck, knowing me, I may not EVER like what I see in the mirror.
I guess the bottom line is I have to fight my inner-critic daily, no matter what size I am.
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