Discomfort

I hate being uncomfortable. So much so that every time I feel slightly uncomfortable, I reach for food, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol.

Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...

Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?

Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".

Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.

Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.

I am more than just my wardrobe...

I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).

Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.

Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.

God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.

Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.

I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.

I'm the fattest 30 year old in WNY

Ugh. I really hate being fat. Why won't I do anything about it? Why won't I get this shit under control?

I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...

I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.

I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.

I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.

Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.

I hate auditions.

Carrying so much weight.

I'm so unhappy and I don't understand why. As I've fallen back into not-so-old bad habits, I'm realizing that I prefer (at least on some level) to stumble through life medicating my unhappiness.

I don't even TRY (for any extended period of time) to live a clean life because then I have nothing to get me through my day. Nothing to distract me from who I am and what I've become. I hate this person. I do nothing but think about how I hate being this way.

Then, when things get too unpleasant, I reach for my familiar distractions. I know I'm doing it. I feel myself falling from grace. I don't stop myself. To be numb is such a familiar place. My safe place.

But I am not nurtured when I'm numb. As soon as the "high" wears off (and I'm finding there's no longer a high, only a short period of distraction), I feel just as low as before I reached for comfort. Often even lower.

I know before I numb myself that this process will not lead to happiness, but I am so unhappy that I can't stop myself. That's not true. I can do anything. I won't stop myself because being without ANY comfort is an unbearable thought. If I cannot medicate my pain, what will I do? Feel it? I feel it all day long. I only seek a moment's peace. That is why I want to be numb. I want peace.

I would never end my life. There are too many things I love about this life to let my pain win absolutely. However, I can understand why people do. There comes a time when the pain is so great that all I want is quiet. That is one of the reasons why people, in my opinion, take their lives. They wish for peace.

Frustration is stinker

Today I'm feeling very sad and frustrated.

To date, I've been attending weekly OA meetings but have not yet "abstained" from overeating. In order to abstain, OA recommends you have an eating plan and stick to it. This is where I'm stumbling. Here's why:

- I have no idea where to start. I've followed so many eating plans and have stuck to none of them. That's the one thing all my attempted eating plans have in common. There's a myriad of books, websites, information, etc, out there. I have no idea where to go or what to do. All I really want to do is eat healthy, but what does that mean? How do you do that?

- I can't cook. Eating plans in the past have failed, in part, because I can't cook. I end up eating the required foods, but in their naked form. If I needed to eat low-fat/high protein, I ate tons of tuna and cottage cheese. This got old after a few weeks.

- I'm scared of restriction. My history of anorexia and my tendency to restrict in the extreme make me very fearful of making a change in my diet. The pattern has always been the same: I start out strong, I start to cut back (a little at a time), before I know it...I'm starving myself again.

So how do you eat healthy but not measure everything that goes into your mouth? I have no idea.

I could cry.

OA - nothing stinker about it.

After that HUGE therapy session, I still decided to go to an OA meeting. I'm so glad I did. My husband, being the amazing pillar of support that he is, wanted to go, too. While he doesn't suffer from personal food issues, he DEFINITELY suffers from my personal food issues.

From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.

From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.

OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.

Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.

God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.

I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.

Therapy - You should be in it, too.

Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.

Recap:

- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.

- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.

- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.

- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).

What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.

My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.

Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.

I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).

Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.

Champagne is a mess.

Haven't had much to add lately as it would be post after post of the same shit: I hate myself, I can't stop eating, I hate going out into public, blah, blah, blah...

Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.

Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.

Vice is stinker

Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?

Some thoughts:

1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).

Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.

I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.

2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.

3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.

Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...

I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.

The Dieter's Nightmare

Possibly you've heard of the actor's nightmare? If not, it's a dream that many actor's have involving being on stage and having no clue what show you're in/what your lines are/what the choreography is/you name it.

I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.

It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.

I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.

I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.

Caramel, anyone?

Costume fittings are stinker.

So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.

The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.

But then a miracle happened.

The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.

I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."

Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.

My head: it's crazy in here.

My husband is a big guy. Not in the "fat" way, but in the "guy-who-clearly-lifts-weights" way. He's taking a very simple approach to our "Cheat to Lose" diet.

Case in point, he takes a bottle of fish oil to work every day and that is how he meets his fat intake requirement. He leaves this bottle out on his desk, in clear view of any passers-by. Yesterday, he told me that he'd been getting some comments on it from coworkers such as "we never know what kind of strange food you're going to bring in."

For whatever reason, here's where my crazy brain went:"He can leave his diet food right out in the open and people will just assume he eats a certain way because he's a weight lifter. I have to hide my food because when people see a fat girl eating cottage cheese, they assume it's because she's unhappy with herself and wants to be thin."

Yeah, I'm insane, but hear me out: It's very important to me that no one knows I hate my body. My self-loathing is like my dirty little secret. I need people to think that I think I look fabulous. If I can convince them that I like myself, they'll be less judgmental of me. Probably not, but that's my motivation.

I also hate when people see me eat. It's so messed up, but fat girls shouldn't eat, right?

Yeah. This is why I'm in counseling.

My Journal

I was reading through my journal last night and it offered some additional insight on my mental state last year (when I was "dieting" and getting super thin).

1 - I was fucking crazy.

In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.

2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.

Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.

3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.

I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.

Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.

But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.

So how do you gain 85lbs in 10 months?

Well, I'll tell you.

There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:

1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.

As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.

2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.

I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.

In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.

Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.

3 - I became completely obsessed.

When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?

I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.

Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.

4 - When I fell, I fell HARD

I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.

When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...

5 - I eat so I don't have to feel

I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.

While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.

Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.

Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.

Here we go again...

I am such a statistic.

It's embarrassing, actually.

Since November, 2003 I have gained and lost over 250lbs. This time is going to be different.

A brief history:

1990 - I begin my first diet at the age of 12. It starts our innocently enough.The doctor expresses his concern to my mother as I'm about 20lbs or so overweight for a girl of my age/height. No big deal. Mom will show me how to modify my portions and make healthier food choices. So far, so good...right?

I'm young and active. The weight starts to fall off and the compliments pour in from relatives, teachers, fellow students, dance instructors, you name it. The attention is intoxicating as I've never received attention like this before. The more weight I lose, the more attention I get. You know where this is going...

I develop and eating disorder. I get too thin and the compliments become expressions of concern (from all but my dance instructors). This attention, although negative, fueled the beginnings of what would become a life-long battle with anorexia.

I'm now 29 years old, a wife, mom to 2 beautiful babies, and looking at some very real health issues. Heart problems run in my family and if I keep this up I will not reach the age of 60 (as so many of my relatives before me have not). To consistently gain and loose as much weight as I've been is going to kill me. I choose life :)

This time, I'm taking it slow. This time, I'm shooting for healthy, not skinny. This time, I'm changing for life.

I wanted to document my struggles. Mostly because I have a tendency to become obsessive when I diet. I'm hoping that having this outlet will nip my obsession in the bud. My thoughts will be out of my head and on this blog.

Wish me luck.