Swap Meet

I’m not perfect.

I’ve spent the last three years focusing on why I abused food and can now say that I am no longer a practicing food adict.

Enter my shopping addiction.

The great thing about finally gaining insight into my food addiction is that I also have new insight into my addictions in general. I didn’t abuse food for one reason and compulsively shop for another. It’s all the same shit manifesting itself in multiple (seemingly every) area of my life.

So let’s talk about my current shopping struggles, shall we?

I started a new job in July of this year. It’s a great job and I’m totally blessed. It was a great career move and the work is work that I want to be doing.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that I came in at the busiest time ever and no one has time to train me. When they DO have time to train me, I’m at max busy for a day. Several days pass before I meet with a trainer again. It will not always be this way, but it’s this way now and I’m so fucking bored I could just die.

So how do I alleviate this boredom? I shop on the internet from 9am – 5pm Monday through Friday.

Window shopping is fine. It’s fun to put together fantasy outfits (if you’re me, it’s fun anyway), fantasy furniture designs and browse, browse, browse for the stuff I actually need (when I size down I frequently need to replace the vast majority of my wardrobe).

What ISN’T fine is when I make want-based purchases without clearing them with my husband. He totally busted me last night on the two (TWO) Dooney & Bourke bags that I’ve bought in the last month. Granted, they were a GREAT deal for Dooney & Bourke (or as my husband says, ‘Dooney and Booney’), but I don’t NEED two new handbags let ALONE two new Dooney & Bourke handbags.

Sound like a familiar pattern? I’m unhappy/bored, I eat (shop), I feel good, the food is gone (or the item arrives) and I’m still unhappy/bored. Better eat more (buy something else) so I can feel better again.

Yup. I’ve swapped one addiction for another.

This happened when I had a dramatic weight loss in 2006. I became OBSESSED with shopping and had no idea why. What’s so great about the fact that it’s 2010 and NOT 2006? I now see the CLEAR connection between what I’m using shopping for: I’m using it to avoid feeling what I don’t want to feel (bored and unhappy).

So what do you do if you can’t abuse food, can’t shop compulsively and can’t smoke (I QUIT SMOKING IN JULY 2010!!!)?

There are a few things you can do:

1. Be present and aware.

When browsing online there’s always the risk that I will come across something that seems to be too good of a deal to pass up (case in point, those two handbags). When I find this item that makes my pupils dilate and my heart race it is very easy to be lost in the moment and buy without regard for the impact the purchase will have on our finances (let alone buying without regard for the fact that I don’t actually need anything).

To prevent buyer’s remorse I don’t allow myself to be carried away on a sea of cute handbag adrenaline. When I feel the familiar reactions to a cute item, I stop, remove myself from the situation, make myself wait a day before making the purchase (which waiting ALWAYS prevents from taking place).

Another form of awareness is knowing what I can and cannot handle. I cannot handle browsing the monthly specials at dooney.com. I just can’t. So I don’t do it.

I also prevent myself from making a new purchase by looking at my recent purchases (they’re usually right next to me or on my body) and acknowledging that owning these items did not change anything. Yes, they’re cute, but I’m still looking for more new items to add to the collection so clearly the same will be the case when whatever I’m about to purchase is no longer online but in my possession. Once I own the item, life will be the same. I’ll still be bored at work, but in addition I’ll have the SECONDARY problem of feeling bad about having made a purchase, wasted money, prevented our savings from accumulating as fast as it potentially could, etc.

2. Do something else that isn’t boring.

I work downtown at the end of a one mile stretch of pedestrian only highway. I love walking. I love the season (fall).

It’s very easy for me to steal away for 30 minutes and take a brisk walk. The benefits of this are many since not only am I no longer bored, but I’m moving my body, enjoying the sunshine, taking in the sights/sounds/smells of the city. It’s great!

I totally neglected my blog and this downtime is a great opportunity to update it with everything I’ve learned/am learning.

People use the internet for a lot of things. It isn’t JUST a 24 hour mall. It’s also an amazing resource on ANYTHING you might be interested in knowing about, well, ANYTHING. Best part, using the internet as a resource doesn’t lead to a drained bank account or feelings of guilt.

You get the idea. I have a lot of options and choices that don’t involve spending money. I just have to be CONSTANTLY aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Am I abusing food/shopping compulsively/*insert distructive behavior here* as a means to avoid feeling something I don’t want to feel? The answer is always ‘yes’. I just need to pay attention and I can uncover the TRUE motivations for my destructive behavior and address it instead of perpetuating it.

GET IN LINE!

In my quest to take on more activities that I genuinely enjoy, I have been thinking of little Champagne and the activities SHE enjoyed. In addition to bike riding, little Champagne loved to roller skate. Roller skating? What's that? Is that how the pilgrims got around? Did the frontier folk roller, what was it?, skate?

Needless to say, it is an archaic activity that you can only do indoors. In order to tap into this former love and bring it into 2010, I was going to have to learn how to inline skate.

And don't call it rollerblading.

Most people my age learned how to inline skate at a very young age. I totally missed this window as inline skating was just becoming popular as I was hanging up my roller skates for good. This presents a very interesting dilemma: where can a 31 year old beginner get a lesson so she doesn't break a hip?

After an exhaustive Google search using every combination of terms at my disposal, I came across the following verbiage on the Xtreme Wheels website: "We offer instruction for inline skating and skateboarding. The cost is $20 for a 2 hour session, membership card is required. May stay at the park after lesson is finished at no extra cost. Leave your number at the service desk and we will call you to set up an appointment."

SUCCESS! I call and leave my info. Virginia, the park owner, calls me back to set up an XTREME! Inline skating lesson for, gulp, my kid. I assure her that the lesson is for me. She is taken aback but SUPER accommodating ("you know we're a trick park, right? We specialize in the Xtreme style of skating you see on TV"). We iron out my goals (to not kill myself or anyone else on the bike path) and Chris, one of her instructors, will teach me on Sunday.

Now that I know I'm heading into skate punk land with my bike path goals, I feel like a total ahole. I'm DREADING the lesson but am determined to not let my vanity prevent me from learning from a professional. I enter the skate park on Sunday and it is just as I feared: ramps, skate punks, graffiti, smells like a school's gym, and no one over the age of 25. My tote, Vera Bradley Bag and bike helmet could not be MORE out of place.

Chris skates over, (instinctively doing some kind of XTREME! trick on some kind of rail in the process) introduces himself, and tells me to go get ready. He sits with me on the bench and is SHOCKED that I've never put skates on. I come clean and tell him (1) this situation is completely mortifying for me, (2) I feel completely out of place and (3) we are going to have to take this lesson very lightly or I will never make it through. Now that the air is clear, we take my skates off (since I've NEVER skated) and walk them outside.

After about 10 minutes we have learned two things: I'm a quick learner and my skates SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! In spite of all this, I'm having a blast and can't wait to get better skates. At the end of my lesson (I only needed one of the two hours to get all the essential skills), Chris tells me that when I buy new skates he'll take me out for another lesson so I can get used to the speed. I'm really taking to the sport so he recommends aggressive skates as opposed to recreational skates.

Aggressive...I like it.

I go home, wake up my husband and BEG him to go back to the park with me IMMEDIATELY and get the skates. He is totally on board. We go back, get the skates, I have another 10 minute lesson (I told you, this girl is a quick learner), and at this moment my skates and gear are in my car ready for my first lap around Delaware Park. XTREME FITNESS SKATING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am so hard core.

Cruising

For a while I've been asking God to help me find an activity I genuinely enjoy. I remember a time when I moved my body just for the joy of moving my body. Dance used to be my only outlet in that regard. I've never had to talk myself into attending a dance class. I go because I love it. Similarly, I've never had to push myself in a dance class. I work hard because that's what dance class requires. Because dance class only happens once each week, it wasn't really filling the fitness void in my life.

While on vacation last week in Isle of Palms, SC, I discovered a love for bike riding. From the moment we returned I've been desperate to purchase a bike and was ELATED to purchase one on Saturday. Since picking it up Sunday morning, I've wanted nothing more than to spend all my time on my new bike.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to cruise all day and all night. My butt gets sore and my legs get tired. I'm an old lady and can only take a good ride once a day.

Tomorrow is a work day so I won't be able to head over to the bike path until after business hours. I'm already looking forward to it. I'm excited to get back to the bike path tomorrow not because I'll get a great workout, but because I love riding my bike. This discovery is such an amazing gift for which I am thankful beyond words.

Oprah

Ok. I'm not proud of it, but Oprah totally changed my life. Last week's "best life" show about falling off the wagon totally motivated me to get back on it. 7 days later, I'm still riding the wagon better than anyone on the Oregon Trail (I'm too clever for my own good).

Some things about that show that really stuck with me:

- She has every resource in the world and she STILL can't get it together. How many times have you heard someone say "If I had that kind of money, I'd have a personal trainer/chef/team of people assisting me with my weight loss efforts". Well, if Oprah's money doesn't have any affect on her struggle, money is clearly not any kind of factor in whether or not someone is going to be healthy.

- "You're not hungry for food, so what are you hungry for?". More profound words were never spoken. I'm hungry for love. That's why I eat. With every binge I'm chasing the "high" that I can only get from loving myself.

I had the epiphany (and we know where those really come from) that the deck is stacked against me. I'm constantly fatigued, depressed, have difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, difficulty waking/getting out of bed, difficulty getting motivated (even when the activity at hand is one I enjoy). I was relying on stimulants just to get through the day and they were no longer working. I want to get all these things taken care of in order to stack the cards in my favor.

I went to my chiropractor (he's also a nutritionist) and we're working together to correct the vitamin deficiencies and such that are currently making it so difficult for me to start and stick with a healthy lifestyle. Next week, I'm meeting with an expert in homeopathy and she's going to work some more magic.

My goal is to get healthy. Once that happens, weight loss will be a side-effect. I'll keep you posted.

Update

Since my last post my belief in God's love for me has continued to grow. It's pretty amazing how little I have to worry about things like what other's think of me when I'm certain of His love for me.

The benefits have been many:

- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.

Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)

That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).

Not doing so well on the smoking front.

I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...

All things in time, I guess.

So I should be freaking out...

...but I'm not.

I went to the store tonight and had every intention of purchasing more garbage. For whatever reason, as I approached the store I had this sudden, overwhelming desire to make better choices.

I was so motivated that I went home, added today's not-so-great food choices into my weight watchers tracker, weighed myself, and have every intention of making better choices from this moment on.

So far so good.

It's only been like 2 hours, though.

Here's why I should be freaking out: I weigh more than ever. Yes. I've managed to hit another all-time high weight. Since my all-time low in December of 2006, I've gained 97lbs. I've gained a high school aged child. Yes, I'm enormous.

Why am I not freaking out? Because God loves me. I'm perfect exactly as I am.

Because God loves me, I think I'm going to make some changes around here. Actually, I'm just going to believe in God and let Him make the changes. I think He's already gotten started :)

Feeling...different.

I read this book on the recommendation of my counselor. Actually, it was more than a recommendation. She gave me the book (thanks, Elaine!).

I read it, loved it, and am reading it again to catch anything I might have missed. I had no idea I was an approval addict. I always thought of approval addicts as people-pleasers, "yes" people and doormats. Well, I have discovered that I, too, am an approval addict.

How do I seek out approval? I want to get the world's approval for being the thinnest, most talented, best dressed/coiffed/manicured woman on earth. Just like any addict, when I don't have the world's approval I go through withdrawal. Since withdrawal is stinker, I fill THAT void with food, cigarettes and shopping.

So what did I learn from the book? The only person who's approval I need is God's. Guess what? I already have his approval. Also, to hate myself is really terrible because God loves me so much that he gave His son's life for my sins. To hate someone (me) who God loves so much just doesn't make any sense.

This book has really helped me alot. Totally opened my eyes :)

I'm all old and wise now.

No I'm not, but I feel like I'm on the right track.

I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.

I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.

If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.

I finally want to love myself, too.

And I lived to tell the tale...

Shopping the other day really sucked. Aunt Flo was on the midnight train to Buffalo so it upset me more than it normally would have. Here's the cool thing: I was super sad, but I didn't drown my sadness in food/use food to numb myself.

That is huge.

I was in pain and I allowed myself to experience that pain. More importantly, being sad didn't kill me (something I'm clearly afraid of).

More proof that I am learning how to deal with life.

Shopping sucks when you're fat

When you're gaining weight, you have to buy new clothes. This sucks as shopping is totally unpleasant when you're fat.

Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.

Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.

With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.

So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.

I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.

It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.

I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.

I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.

Decency

I've mentioned many times in this blog that I have a really hard time committing to a diet/exercise routine long term because I'm such an extremist. I'm either operating at a very hard-core 120% or eating everything in site (because if I can't operate at a very hard-core 120%, what's the point?).

This has made it very difficult for me to be totally committed to OA. Part of the program is picking an eating plan and sticking to it. Well, whenever I have an eating plan I have to be totally hard-core (tuna, cottage cheese, protein powder, lean meats, and very little else) because anything less than this would make my inner-critic have a field day. Can you blame me for postponing this step? I'm actually afraid to go on a diet because not only am I so critical of myself, I also ALWAYS fall back into anorexia eventually.

So what's a girl to do? My friend and I were solving the world's problems over many glasses of wine a few evenings ago. She has been following the Weight Watchers plan for a while now and has been really successful. I've always been so envious that she is able to be happy with her success and not kill herself to be a size 0 (something I've never been able to do). She can just live her life, eat right, exercise, and be in good shape without becoming anorexic or constantly battling an inner-critic. What is her secret???!!!

She told me, and it was seriously life changing.

"I try to have a decent day, everyday"

It's that simple. She doesn't KILL herself at the gym, but she goes several times a week. Every workout doesn't have to be the most balls-to-the-wall workout she's ever had, it just has to be decent. Every meal doesn't have to be the perfect combination of lean meat, "good" carbs and "good" fats, it just has to be decent enough to fit into her daily Weight Watchers points allowance.

WHAT!? I can just be decent? Really? That's INSANE!

This concept has seriously turned me inside-out (in a good way).

So what did I do with this amazing pearl of wisdom? Well, I went home, joined Weight Watchers, had a decent day of eating and completed a decent workout. Imagine what I can accomplish after months/years of decent days.

I am forever in her debt.

Things are going better

I'm trying to monitor my intake without going insane. I've started entering the food I eat and the exercises I do into an online diary. So far it's not freaking me out. I'm actually doing pretty well.

Last night I met some girlfriends out at a local steakhouse. I ate light all day in preparation for what I knew would be a huge meal. I totally ate WAY MORE than my allotted daily calories, but am not freaking out about it. I went over yesterday's calories by 1,400. That's alot, I agree, but instead of starving myself or punishing myself, I've decided to eat 200 fewer calories for the next 7 days to offset this indulgence.

I'm not starving or going crazy, just keeping my weekly calories at the right level. To be sane and logical in response to an indulgence is a huge step for me. Just more proof that prayer and OA are working for me.

12 steps - Not stinker at all

So I've been attending OA since the new year. I have to admit, it's going really well. So well, in fact, that I had to share. If you're not familiar with the 12 steps of OA, here they are:

1 - We admitted we were powerless over food — that our lives had become unmanageable.
2 - Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3 - Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4 - Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5 - Admitted to God, to ourselves and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6 - Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7 - Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8 - Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.
9 - Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10 - Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11 - Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12 - Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these Steps, we tried to carry this message to compulsive overeaters and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

I'm currently focusing on step 3. I have handed control of my life, particularly my relationship with food, over to God. What's so cool is, He's definitely taking control. You would think handing control over to God would mean a loss of freedom. In reality, giving control over to God has given me freedom.

The biggest change since God's taken over has been the difference in the tone/thought process of the voice inside myself. Before I asked God to take over, the voice in my head was very critical. If I made a good choice about food, my inner critc would strong arm me into making that good choice with words of encouragemetnt such as "Only a fat person would eat that. Want to be fat? If so, eat up."

Now, when making a decision about food, the voice sounds more like "Fries or yogurt? I'll have the yogurt".

I know that might not seem like a big deal, but it's huge for me. I'm so thankful.

OA - nothing stinker about it.

After that HUGE therapy session, I still decided to go to an OA meeting. I'm so glad I did. My husband, being the amazing pillar of support that he is, wanted to go, too. While he doesn't suffer from personal food issues, he DEFINITELY suffers from my personal food issues.

From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.

From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.

OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.

Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.

God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.

I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.

Therapy - You should be in it, too.

Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.

Recap:

- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.

- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.

- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.

- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).

What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.

My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.

Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.

I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).

Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.

Feeling fat is stinker.

I'm feeling like a big fatty these days. It's strange because I should be feeling better about myself. Case in point, this morning when I got dressed I realized that I needed to buy some size 14 pants as my 16s are now too large. This should make me feel good, right? Unfortunately, I take no pride in having wasted away to a size 14. I know I need to celebrate each battle won and blah, blah, blah...

I'm sure it doesn't help that I spent last night putting my size 4s into storage. I held up a pair of my size 4 jeans and couldn't believe that I ever fit into them. They were so tiny. I was so tiny. Now I'm a big, size 14-wearing, fatty.

Yeah. I feel stinker today :(

I'm thin enough to wear my fat jeans! Wait...

A few weeks ago I became too fat for my fat jeans. That was devastating.

Today is a momentous day of sorts as I've lost enough weight to get back into my fat jeans. I'm wearing them right now. Never thought I'd be celebrating fitting into my fat jeans.

Oh, well. I'll take whatever milestones I can get.

Costume fittings are stinker.

So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.

The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.

But then a miracle happened.

The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.

I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."

Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.