Discomfort

I hate being uncomfortable. So much so that every time I feel slightly uncomfortable, I reach for food, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol.

Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...

Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?

Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".

Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.

Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.

I just want to eat it all away...

I'm upset.

My sister called me today and asked me to loan her $1,000. She had fallen behind on bills and needed the money as a bridge until she could get caught up. There was only one condition: I couldn't tell her husband about the loan.

Ok. I don't loan people money. I don't ever want money to come between me and someone I love. If we were going to help it was going to be a gift.

After much discussion with my husband, we decided to give her the money on one condition: she tells her husband about the gift.

She declined our offer of assistance.

This entire situation saddens me for so many reasons.

1 - My sister is hurting. I want her to stop hurting, but if I have to be dishonest to do so, I'm not interested. However, it's still really upsetting that she's hurting.

2 - My sister can't be honest with her husband. I would NEVER hide something like this from my husband. If I'm in a pinch (due to circumstance or my own actions), I KNOW I can call on him for help without the fear of his judgement. I'm human and I make mistakes and that's ok with him. He's also human and makes mistakes and that's ok with me. It's upsetting that my sister feels she has to shoulder the knowledge of this financial burden alone.

3 - My sister is too proud to let her husband think "she can't handle the finances". I hate that her pride is causing her so much pain.

4 - This is so easily remedied, but she won't take the actions necessary to fix it. If she went to her husband and told him what was going on, they could shoulder this burden as a team. Sure, he might be upset that she waited until ends were nowhere near meeting to tell him, but he'll get over it and then they can move forward together. She's so terrified of his disapproval that she'd rather suffer alone and in silence.

This is so upsetting. I just want to eat all of this sadness away.

Dying young: totally stinker

I have a seriously unsettling family history of untimely deaths. Well, I guess no death is untimely because you're always going to die right on schedule.

I guess what I have is a family history of dying very young. My father lived the longest...to the ripe old age of 60. Seriously. He died 2 months after turning 60. My grandfather died in his 50's, grandmother died in her 50's, aunt died in her 50's...this is starting to freak me out.

I'm 30. It's totally possible that I've lived the bulk of my life already. I know we can all go at anytime, but accidents aside, I'd like to have a long life with my husband. I wish I wasn't following the same path of poor health that contributed to the early demise of so may of my deceased relatives.

Victim Free Zone

I am not one to waste my time pursuing relationships with individuals who have no interest in pursuing relationships with me. Why? Because I'm a highly logical person.

If Sally at work consistently blows me off when we have plans and only wants to see me at the holiday party (and by "wants" I mean "we both happen to be there, so we'll chat if forced"), why would I pursue a relationship with her? Answer: I wouldn't.

Life is too short and there are too many things I enjoy. I don't want any of my limited number of days on this earth spent with anyone other than my husband, my friends and my pugs.

Why, then, do I spend every holiday/birthday with people who share my blood but don't actually want to spend time with me? I have no idea. Why should my attitude towards family be any different than my attitude toward Sally at work? Family deserves no special treatment. If Sally's behavior isn't worth tolerating, neither is my family's behavior. It stops today.