Swap Meet

I’m not perfect.

I’ve spent the last three years focusing on why I abused food and can now say that I am no longer a practicing food adict.

Enter my shopping addiction.

The great thing about finally gaining insight into my food addiction is that I also have new insight into my addictions in general. I didn’t abuse food for one reason and compulsively shop for another. It’s all the same shit manifesting itself in multiple (seemingly every) area of my life.

So let’s talk about my current shopping struggles, shall we?

I started a new job in July of this year. It’s a great job and I’m totally blessed. It was a great career move and the work is work that I want to be doing.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that I came in at the busiest time ever and no one has time to train me. When they DO have time to train me, I’m at max busy for a day. Several days pass before I meet with a trainer again. It will not always be this way, but it’s this way now and I’m so fucking bored I could just die.

So how do I alleviate this boredom? I shop on the internet from 9am – 5pm Monday through Friday.

Window shopping is fine. It’s fun to put together fantasy outfits (if you’re me, it’s fun anyway), fantasy furniture designs and browse, browse, browse for the stuff I actually need (when I size down I frequently need to replace the vast majority of my wardrobe).

What ISN’T fine is when I make want-based purchases without clearing them with my husband. He totally busted me last night on the two (TWO) Dooney & Bourke bags that I’ve bought in the last month. Granted, they were a GREAT deal for Dooney & Bourke (or as my husband says, ‘Dooney and Booney’), but I don’t NEED two new handbags let ALONE two new Dooney & Bourke handbags.

Sound like a familiar pattern? I’m unhappy/bored, I eat (shop), I feel good, the food is gone (or the item arrives) and I’m still unhappy/bored. Better eat more (buy something else) so I can feel better again.

Yup. I’ve swapped one addiction for another.

This happened when I had a dramatic weight loss in 2006. I became OBSESSED with shopping and had no idea why. What’s so great about the fact that it’s 2010 and NOT 2006? I now see the CLEAR connection between what I’m using shopping for: I’m using it to avoid feeling what I don’t want to feel (bored and unhappy).

So what do you do if you can’t abuse food, can’t shop compulsively and can’t smoke (I QUIT SMOKING IN JULY 2010!!!)?

There are a few things you can do:

1. Be present and aware.

When browsing online there’s always the risk that I will come across something that seems to be too good of a deal to pass up (case in point, those two handbags). When I find this item that makes my pupils dilate and my heart race it is very easy to be lost in the moment and buy without regard for the impact the purchase will have on our finances (let alone buying without regard for the fact that I don’t actually need anything).

To prevent buyer’s remorse I don’t allow myself to be carried away on a sea of cute handbag adrenaline. When I feel the familiar reactions to a cute item, I stop, remove myself from the situation, make myself wait a day before making the purchase (which waiting ALWAYS prevents from taking place).

Another form of awareness is knowing what I can and cannot handle. I cannot handle browsing the monthly specials at dooney.com. I just can’t. So I don’t do it.

I also prevent myself from making a new purchase by looking at my recent purchases (they’re usually right next to me or on my body) and acknowledging that owning these items did not change anything. Yes, they’re cute, but I’m still looking for more new items to add to the collection so clearly the same will be the case when whatever I’m about to purchase is no longer online but in my possession. Once I own the item, life will be the same. I’ll still be bored at work, but in addition I’ll have the SECONDARY problem of feeling bad about having made a purchase, wasted money, prevented our savings from accumulating as fast as it potentially could, etc.

2. Do something else that isn’t boring.

I work downtown at the end of a one mile stretch of pedestrian only highway. I love walking. I love the season (fall).

It’s very easy for me to steal away for 30 minutes and take a brisk walk. The benefits of this are many since not only am I no longer bored, but I’m moving my body, enjoying the sunshine, taking in the sights/sounds/smells of the city. It’s great!

I totally neglected my blog and this downtime is a great opportunity to update it with everything I’ve learned/am learning.

People use the internet for a lot of things. It isn’t JUST a 24 hour mall. It’s also an amazing resource on ANYTHING you might be interested in knowing about, well, ANYTHING. Best part, using the internet as a resource doesn’t lead to a drained bank account or feelings of guilt.

You get the idea. I have a lot of options and choices that don’t involve spending money. I just have to be CONSTANTLY aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Am I abusing food/shopping compulsively/*insert distructive behavior here* as a means to avoid feeling something I don’t want to feel? The answer is always ‘yes’. I just need to pay attention and I can uncover the TRUE motivations for my destructive behavior and address it instead of perpetuating it.

Clothes don't make the woman, but they sure do help

So, there was a time when I was more than just my wardrobe. Since then, my discomfort with my size has continued to be compounded by the fact that I didn't own anything cute (or, more importantly, that I felt cute in).

I have since remedied this issue by spending an obscene amount of money (thanks, performance based bonus!) on new clothes. Sure, there was the high of spending money on cute stuff, but there was another perk that I didn't expect: Feeling good about how I look has inspired me to stick with a healthy eating and exercise plan.

Who knew?

Shopping for maternity clothes

Now don't get all excited. I'm not knocked up. Just fat.

I had to cave in and purchase some non-work clothes. I went to Target and the only plus size clothes that were fashionable were by Liz Lang. For those of you who don't shop at Target, Liz Lang specializes in maternity fashions.

So while I'm not pregnant, I am, in fact, wearing maternity clothes.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry...

I am more than just my wardrobe...

I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).

Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.

Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.

God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.

Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.

I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.

Shopping for make-up: not stinker at all

My in laws gave me a very generous mall gift certificate for my 30th birthday. I would like to purchase some summer clothes that aren't dresses, but since I'm back on the Weight Watchers band wagon I should hold off on buying clothes for the time being.

Instead, I decided to spend the remainder of the gift certificate (already spent most of it on bedroom decor) at Sephora. If you're not familiar with Sephora, it's the most amazing cosmetics/fragrance/hair care store EVER! I feel in love with Sephora when I lived in VA and was devastated that we had nothing comparable here in Buffalo. I am devastated no longer as they now have a Sephora in the Walden Galleria!

I walked out of there with a teeny, tiny bag containing my bounty. It was amazing to me that $110 of make-up could fit in a bag so tiny. There was room in the bag for more make-up, but we do have a mortgage. Also amazing is how little I bought for that amount. Let's take a look:

- 3 Urban Decay eye shadows : Chopper, Smog, and Half Baked (which I'm sure my husband will refer to as brown, brown, and brown)
- Bare Vitamins "Prime Time" (this makes my foundation go on flawlessly)
- Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this purchase actually doesn't count as I was just replacing the Black Honey that I lost around Christmas time)
- Too Faced Lash Injection Mascara

The first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs and put on a full face. It's funny because I'm just going to sit around the house for the rest of the day and play with the dogs (who will not be able to appreciate my flawless foundation, dramatic lashes, the beautiful yet subtle tint on my lips, or the color on my lids).

That's ok. I like it :)

Update

Since my last post my belief in God's love for me has continued to grow. It's pretty amazing how little I have to worry about things like what other's think of me when I'm certain of His love for me.

The benefits have been many:

- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.

Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)

That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).

Not doing so well on the smoking front.

I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...

All things in time, I guess.

Shopping sucks when you're fat

When you're gaining weight, you have to buy new clothes. This sucks as shopping is totally unpleasant when you're fat.

Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.

Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.

With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.

So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.

I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.

It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.

I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.

I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.

Feeling fat is stinker.

I'm feeling like a big fatty these days. It's strange because I should be feeling better about myself. Case in point, this morning when I got dressed I realized that I needed to buy some size 14 pants as my 16s are now too large. This should make me feel good, right? Unfortunately, I take no pride in having wasted away to a size 14. I know I need to celebrate each battle won and blah, blah, blah...

I'm sure it doesn't help that I spent last night putting my size 4s into storage. I held up a pair of my size 4 jeans and couldn't believe that I ever fit into them. They were so tiny. I was so tiny. Now I'm a big, size 14-wearing, fatty.

Yeah. I feel stinker today :(

I'm thin enough to wear my fat jeans! Wait...

A few weeks ago I became too fat for my fat jeans. That was devastating.

Today is a momentous day of sorts as I've lost enough weight to get back into my fat jeans. I'm wearing them right now. Never thought I'd be celebrating fitting into my fat jeans.

Oh, well. I'll take whatever milestones I can get.

Update

I have to say, so far I'm very satisfied with the Cheat to Lose diet. I'm only hungry when I wait too long between meals (which can happen when things get crazy at work) and I'm finding that I have no cravings. Coming from a girl who, less than one month ago, couldn't go a single day without a binge, this is a huge accomplishment.

My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.

I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.

I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).

That's all for now.

Sweats

Finding clothes in my closet that fit me is a challenge. I refuse to buy any more fat clothes so I am forced to figure something out on a daily basis.

Yesterday I was wearing a pair of sweatpants for tooling around the house. I was actually quite pleased with how they fit as they were snug on me not too long ago.

Too bad I have 2 pair of these particular sweats, one size L and one size XL.

Too bad I THOUGHT it was the size L that was fitting so well when I was actually wearing the size XL.

Ugh.

Being fat is stinker.

Costume fittings are stinker.

So last night's costume fitting could have been REALLY bad. I started to have a mini-panic attack as I stood in the costume shop wearing next to nothing, surrounded by people I don't know, in front of an enormous mirror.

The designer wanted the hem of a skirt raised and as she pulled up the garment, I saw the huge bulge of fat on the inside of my knees. I'M SO FAT THAT MY KNEES ARE FAT!It was bad.

But then a miracle happened.

The costumer who made the mock up for the skirt had gone by the measurements they'd taken 3 or so weeks ago. The waist on the skirt made from those old measurements was now too big on me. "Have you lost weight?", she asked.

I was so busy trying to hide how upset I was about the whole costume fitting situation (not to mention the fact that I don't like people to know the fat girl is dieting) that I responded "I don't know."

Because of her question, I didn't go home and bury my emotions in junk food.