Cruising

For a while I've been asking God to help me find an activity I genuinely enjoy. I remember a time when I moved my body just for the joy of moving my body. Dance used to be my only outlet in that regard. I've never had to talk myself into attending a dance class. I go because I love it. Similarly, I've never had to push myself in a dance class. I work hard because that's what dance class requires. Because dance class only happens once each week, it wasn't really filling the fitness void in my life.

While on vacation last week in Isle of Palms, SC, I discovered a love for bike riding. From the moment we returned I've been desperate to purchase a bike and was ELATED to purchase one on Saturday. Since picking it up Sunday morning, I've wanted nothing more than to spend all my time on my new bike.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to cruise all day and all night. My butt gets sore and my legs get tired. I'm an old lady and can only take a good ride once a day.

Tomorrow is a work day so I won't be able to head over to the bike path until after business hours. I'm already looking forward to it. I'm excited to get back to the bike path tomorrow not because I'll get a great workout, but because I love riding my bike. This discovery is such an amazing gift for which I am thankful beyond words.

Oprah

Ok. I'm not proud of it, but Oprah totally changed my life. Last week's "best life" show about falling off the wagon totally motivated me to get back on it. 7 days later, I'm still riding the wagon better than anyone on the Oregon Trail (I'm too clever for my own good).

Some things about that show that really stuck with me:

- She has every resource in the world and she STILL can't get it together. How many times have you heard someone say "If I had that kind of money, I'd have a personal trainer/chef/team of people assisting me with my weight loss efforts". Well, if Oprah's money doesn't have any affect on her struggle, money is clearly not any kind of factor in whether or not someone is going to be healthy.

- "You're not hungry for food, so what are you hungry for?". More profound words were never spoken. I'm hungry for love. That's why I eat. With every binge I'm chasing the "high" that I can only get from loving myself.

I had the epiphany (and we know where those really come from) that the deck is stacked against me. I'm constantly fatigued, depressed, have difficulty falling asleep, difficulty staying asleep, difficulty waking/getting out of bed, difficulty getting motivated (even when the activity at hand is one I enjoy). I was relying on stimulants just to get through the day and they were no longer working. I want to get all these things taken care of in order to stack the cards in my favor.

I went to my chiropractor (he's also a nutritionist) and we're working together to correct the vitamin deficiencies and such that are currently making it so difficult for me to start and stick with a healthy lifestyle. Next week, I'm meeting with an expert in homeopathy and she's going to work some more magic.

My goal is to get healthy. Once that happens, weight loss will be a side-effect. I'll keep you posted.

Update

Since my last post my belief in God's love for me has continued to grow. It's pretty amazing how little I have to worry about things like what other's think of me when I'm certain of His love for me.

The benefits have been many:

- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.

Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)

That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).

Not doing so well on the smoking front.

I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...

All things in time, I guess.

So I should be freaking out...

...but I'm not.

I went to the store tonight and had every intention of purchasing more garbage. For whatever reason, as I approached the store I had this sudden, overwhelming desire to make better choices.

I was so motivated that I went home, added today's not-so-great food choices into my weight watchers tracker, weighed myself, and have every intention of making better choices from this moment on.

So far so good.

It's only been like 2 hours, though.

Here's why I should be freaking out: I weigh more than ever. Yes. I've managed to hit another all-time high weight. Since my all-time low in December of 2006, I've gained 97lbs. I've gained a high school aged child. Yes, I'm enormous.

Why am I not freaking out? Because God loves me. I'm perfect exactly as I am.

Because God loves me, I think I'm going to make some changes around here. Actually, I'm just going to believe in God and let Him make the changes. I think He's already gotten started :)

Feeling...different.

I read this book on the recommendation of my counselor. Actually, it was more than a recommendation. She gave me the book (thanks, Elaine!).

I read it, loved it, and am reading it again to catch anything I might have missed. I had no idea I was an approval addict. I always thought of approval addicts as people-pleasers, "yes" people and doormats. Well, I have discovered that I, too, am an approval addict.

How do I seek out approval? I want to get the world's approval for being the thinnest, most talented, best dressed/coiffed/manicured woman on earth. Just like any addict, when I don't have the world's approval I go through withdrawal. Since withdrawal is stinker, I fill THAT void with food, cigarettes and shopping.

So what did I learn from the book? The only person who's approval I need is God's. Guess what? I already have his approval. Also, to hate myself is really terrible because God loves me so much that he gave His son's life for my sins. To hate someone (me) who God loves so much just doesn't make any sense.

This book has really helped me alot. Totally opened my eyes :)

I'm all old and wise now.

No I'm not, but I feel like I'm on the right track.

I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.

I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.

If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.

I finally want to love myself, too.