I just want to eat it all away...

I'm upset.

My sister called me today and asked me to loan her $1,000. She had fallen behind on bills and needed the money as a bridge until she could get caught up. There was only one condition: I couldn't tell her husband about the loan.

Ok. I don't loan people money. I don't ever want money to come between me and someone I love. If we were going to help it was going to be a gift.

After much discussion with my husband, we decided to give her the money on one condition: she tells her husband about the gift.

She declined our offer of assistance.

This entire situation saddens me for so many reasons.

1 - My sister is hurting. I want her to stop hurting, but if I have to be dishonest to do so, I'm not interested. However, it's still really upsetting that she's hurting.

2 - My sister can't be honest with her husband. I would NEVER hide something like this from my husband. If I'm in a pinch (due to circumstance or my own actions), I KNOW I can call on him for help without the fear of his judgement. I'm human and I make mistakes and that's ok with him. He's also human and makes mistakes and that's ok with me. It's upsetting that my sister feels she has to shoulder the knowledge of this financial burden alone.

3 - My sister is too proud to let her husband think "she can't handle the finances". I hate that her pride is causing her so much pain.

4 - This is so easily remedied, but she won't take the actions necessary to fix it. If she went to her husband and told him what was going on, they could shoulder this burden as a team. Sure, he might be upset that she waited until ends were nowhere near meeting to tell him, but he'll get over it and then they can move forward together. She's so terrified of his disapproval that she'd rather suffer alone and in silence.

This is so upsetting. I just want to eat all of this sadness away.

Eating makes my job less stressful.

Not really, but it sure helped yesterday.

After a really, really, REALLY, really, really, really bad day at the office, my husband and I indulged in some good, old fashioned comfort food at OCB.

If you've ever eaten here, you're well aware that it is not WW friendly at all. I guess it could be, but why eat tons of salad when there's fried chicken and soft serve to be had?

I also comforted my way through the work day today. While today was no where near as stressful as yesterday, I was totally shaken by yesterday's events. The breakfast pizza totally helped me ease my way back into work (with the assistance of a Carmel Frappuccino).

No wonder I can't lose weight.

I'm the fattest 30 year old in WNY

Ugh. I really hate being fat. Why won't I do anything about it? Why won't I get this shit under control?

I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...

I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.

I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.

I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.

Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.

I hate auditions.

Things are going better

I'm trying to monitor my intake without going insane. I've started entering the food I eat and the exercises I do into an online diary. So far it's not freaking me out. I'm actually doing pretty well.

Last night I met some girlfriends out at a local steakhouse. I ate light all day in preparation for what I knew would be a huge meal. I totally ate WAY MORE than my allotted daily calories, but am not freaking out about it. I went over yesterday's calories by 1,400. That's alot, I agree, but instead of starving myself or punishing myself, I've decided to eat 200 fewer calories for the next 7 days to offset this indulgence.

I'm not starving or going crazy, just keeping my weekly calories at the right level. To be sane and logical in response to an indulgence is a huge step for me. Just more proof that prayer and OA are working for me.

Champagne is a mess.

Haven't had much to add lately as it would be post after post of the same shit: I hate myself, I can't stop eating, I hate going out into public, blah, blah, blah...

Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.

Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.

Vice is stinker

Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?

Some thoughts:

1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).

Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.

I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.

2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.

3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.

Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...

I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.

Feeling fat AND stinker

So I'm the fattest girl in WNY.

My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.

What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:

1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.

2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.

3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.

4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.

I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"

Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.

Sabbatical

Today is day four of my 4 day dieting hiatus. I hadn't intended to do this, but here we are.

It's the long Thanksgiving weekend and I've been enjoying it with my husband. This is our first real chunk of time together since my show started rehearsals back in September. This was a long time coming and being able to wine and dine has made it that much more special. Here's the breakdown:

Thursday:
We participated in (too much) of your typical Thanksgiving Day fare. We visit his family in the early afternoon and mine in the early evening. It's just way too much food.

Friday:
We went to this little Greek place for breakfast. I had tzatziki and saganaki (both with grilled pita). He had the gyro breakfast. Mine was way better. For dinner he took me to the Irishman followed by drinks at Butterwood. I had a very big "martini". I use that term loosely because, according to my husband and his friends, you can't call a drink a martini just because it happens to be served in a martini glass. My husband was very pleased when I ordered a "drink" off of their "martini" menu. Call it what you will, it was good.

Saturday:
Had a disappointing breakfast at some family diner on Sheridan drive. Had an AMAZING dinner at Suzy Q's Barbeque Shak. It was SO GOOD! I ordered something called a Piggy Pie. That was fun. Not to mention the fact that calling my meal a "Piggy Pie" was a huge self esteem builder.

Not sure what today will hold.

I'm kind of over cheat food but I'm really sick of my diet food. Not to mention the fact that I'm really annoyed that I only lost 1 pound last week. Not feeling super motivated to continue to cheat, definitely not feeling motivated to continue on this diet right now.

Bottom line, I'm 100% NOT motivated to continue living life as a fatty.

Back up the garbage truck...

Tomorrow is my cheat day and it can't get here soon enough. The diet I'm on keeps my blood sugar levels really steady so my cravings are few and far between. Unfortunately, all that flies out the window when Aunt Flo comes to town. It's taken all my will power to stay away from junk food for the past two days. To curb my cravings, I've been eating alot of grilled zucchini. I'm really surprised that it's just not hitting the spot. In honor of my excitement about tomorrow, I'm compiling a list of all the foods I plan on consuming:

1 - Girl Scout Cookies! I received these on Tuesday and they've been taunting me ever since. I can't wait to rip into those boxes and show those tagalongs, samoas, and thin mints who's boss.

2 - Halloween Chocolate! This is left over from last week. We didn't give out any Halloween candy but we bought some for our personal consumption. Bite size twix, milky way, milky way midnight, baby ruth, and snickers are the stuff of dreams.

3 - A Starbucks Venti Frappuccino! Not sure what flavor. Either coffee or caramel. Last spring I was addicted to the Dulce de Leche Frappuccino and I'm having a hard time now that they don't offer it. There's nothing like it. It's caramel, but not super sweet, kind of deep and smoky. SO GOOD!

4 - Chips and Bison Dip! My husband is a season ticket holder for the Buffalo Bills. Where there's a season ticket holder, there's tailgate food and that means chips and bison dip. I cheat on Saturday, the Bills games are on Sunday. That means we have Bison Dip in our house from the day after my cheat day up until my next cheat day. Usually I can resist, but this week it's taunting me.

Notice there's no actual food on my wish list. I'm such a junk food junkie. I'd rather skip every meal and spend the whole day consuming thousands of calories in garbage. I plan on doing just that tomorrow :)

I'm feeling stinker.

I'm feeling pretty horrible about myself today. It's hard to feel good about myself when I'm so discouraged by what I see in the mirror. We've only been dieting for 2.5 weeks so how much of a change could I possibly expect to see? My logical brain knows it's too soon to see any real difference, but that's not any consolation.

I'd like to think I would feel less horrible if I didn't also hate my short, blah hair. I went blonde last year and fried my hair. At my last trim (and at my insistence) my stylist kept cutting until all the dead hair was gone. This is what we ended up with. I hate it so much. Transient or not, I look like shit.

I'm sure I'm just feeling so down about myself because not only am I super tired, but I start my period in 2 days.

I'm also feeling munchy today. I'm not craving a particular food (did I ever, really?), but I would love to just shove a bunch of food in my mouth. To have a pile of assorted garbage at my desk would be perfect. I would just unwrap one thing after another and mindlessly eat the day away. I wouldn't taste much of it, but that wouldn't matter. It would temporarily suppress how awful I'm feeling.

There I go again trying to avoid feeling.