Swap Meet

I’m not perfect.

I’ve spent the last three years focusing on why I abused food and can now say that I am no longer a practicing food adict.

Enter my shopping addiction.

The great thing about finally gaining insight into my food addiction is that I also have new insight into my addictions in general. I didn’t abuse food for one reason and compulsively shop for another. It’s all the same shit manifesting itself in multiple (seemingly every) area of my life.

So let’s talk about my current shopping struggles, shall we?

I started a new job in July of this year. It’s a great job and I’m totally blessed. It was a great career move and the work is work that I want to be doing.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that I came in at the busiest time ever and no one has time to train me. When they DO have time to train me, I’m at max busy for a day. Several days pass before I meet with a trainer again. It will not always be this way, but it’s this way now and I’m so fucking bored I could just die.

So how do I alleviate this boredom? I shop on the internet from 9am – 5pm Monday through Friday.

Window shopping is fine. It’s fun to put together fantasy outfits (if you’re me, it’s fun anyway), fantasy furniture designs and browse, browse, browse for the stuff I actually need (when I size down I frequently need to replace the vast majority of my wardrobe).

What ISN’T fine is when I make want-based purchases without clearing them with my husband. He totally busted me last night on the two (TWO) Dooney & Bourke bags that I’ve bought in the last month. Granted, they were a GREAT deal for Dooney & Bourke (or as my husband says, ‘Dooney and Booney’), but I don’t NEED two new handbags let ALONE two new Dooney & Bourke handbags.

Sound like a familiar pattern? I’m unhappy/bored, I eat (shop), I feel good, the food is gone (or the item arrives) and I’m still unhappy/bored. Better eat more (buy something else) so I can feel better again.

Yup. I’ve swapped one addiction for another.

This happened when I had a dramatic weight loss in 2006. I became OBSESSED with shopping and had no idea why. What’s so great about the fact that it’s 2010 and NOT 2006? I now see the CLEAR connection between what I’m using shopping for: I’m using it to avoid feeling what I don’t want to feel (bored and unhappy).

So what do you do if you can’t abuse food, can’t shop compulsively and can’t smoke (I QUIT SMOKING IN JULY 2010!!!)?

There are a few things you can do:

1. Be present and aware.

When browsing online there’s always the risk that I will come across something that seems to be too good of a deal to pass up (case in point, those two handbags). When I find this item that makes my pupils dilate and my heart race it is very easy to be lost in the moment and buy without regard for the impact the purchase will have on our finances (let alone buying without regard for the fact that I don’t actually need anything).

To prevent buyer’s remorse I don’t allow myself to be carried away on a sea of cute handbag adrenaline. When I feel the familiar reactions to a cute item, I stop, remove myself from the situation, make myself wait a day before making the purchase (which waiting ALWAYS prevents from taking place).

Another form of awareness is knowing what I can and cannot handle. I cannot handle browsing the monthly specials at dooney.com. I just can’t. So I don’t do it.

I also prevent myself from making a new purchase by looking at my recent purchases (they’re usually right next to me or on my body) and acknowledging that owning these items did not change anything. Yes, they’re cute, but I’m still looking for more new items to add to the collection so clearly the same will be the case when whatever I’m about to purchase is no longer online but in my possession. Once I own the item, life will be the same. I’ll still be bored at work, but in addition I’ll have the SECONDARY problem of feeling bad about having made a purchase, wasted money, prevented our savings from accumulating as fast as it potentially could, etc.

2. Do something else that isn’t boring.

I work downtown at the end of a one mile stretch of pedestrian only highway. I love walking. I love the season (fall).

It’s very easy for me to steal away for 30 minutes and take a brisk walk. The benefits of this are many since not only am I no longer bored, but I’m moving my body, enjoying the sunshine, taking in the sights/sounds/smells of the city. It’s great!

I totally neglected my blog and this downtime is a great opportunity to update it with everything I’ve learned/am learning.

People use the internet for a lot of things. It isn’t JUST a 24 hour mall. It’s also an amazing resource on ANYTHING you might be interested in knowing about, well, ANYTHING. Best part, using the internet as a resource doesn’t lead to a drained bank account or feelings of guilt.

You get the idea. I have a lot of options and choices that don’t involve spending money. I just have to be CONSTANTLY aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Am I abusing food/shopping compulsively/*insert distructive behavior here* as a means to avoid feeling something I don’t want to feel? The answer is always ‘yes’. I just need to pay attention and I can uncover the TRUE motivations for my destructive behavior and address it instead of perpetuating it.

Clothes don't make the woman, but they sure do help

So, there was a time when I was more than just my wardrobe. Since then, my discomfort with my size has continued to be compounded by the fact that I didn't own anything cute (or, more importantly, that I felt cute in).

I have since remedied this issue by spending an obscene amount of money (thanks, performance based bonus!) on new clothes. Sure, there was the high of spending money on cute stuff, but there was another perk that I didn't expect: Feeling good about how I look has inspired me to stick with a healthy eating and exercise plan.

Who knew?

Discomfort

I hate being uncomfortable. So much so that every time I feel slightly uncomfortable, I reach for food, caffeine, nicotine, or alcohol.

Lately, I'm trying to think before I reach and have noticed a pattern: I'm mad, I'll have a cigarette; I'm sad, I'll eat junk food; work is stressful, I'll run to the vending machine...

Why is being uncomfortable so terrible? Why am I so scared to be uncomfortable for even a moment? What would happen?

Let's travel back several years and visit for a moment with little Champagne. As a wee lass, Champagne did not receive all the love and acceptance that she desired (wah, wah, did any of us?). She would either receive tons of praise and acceptance (usually for performing and/or her appearance) or she would be punished (usually for reasons unknown to her). When the praise wasn't there, she filled the void with food. When she was unhappy because her parents were withholding their love, she reached for food. She learned from a young age that food was a great way to alleviate this "discomfort".

Now, as a 130 year old adult, Champagne is STILL trying to soothe that little girl.

Maybe, someday, I'll be able to experience the discomfort and realize that being uncomfortable is not, in fact, fatal.

Eating makes my job less stressful.

Not really, but it sure helped yesterday.

After a really, really, REALLY, really, really, really bad day at the office, my husband and I indulged in some good, old fashioned comfort food at OCB.

If you've ever eaten here, you're well aware that it is not WW friendly at all. I guess it could be, but why eat tons of salad when there's fried chicken and soft serve to be had?

I also comforted my way through the work day today. While today was no where near as stressful as yesterday, I was totally shaken by yesterday's events. The breakfast pizza totally helped me ease my way back into work (with the assistance of a Carmel Frappuccino).

No wonder I can't lose weight.