Swap Meet

I’m not perfect.

I’ve spent the last three years focusing on why I abused food and can now say that I am no longer a practicing food adict.

Enter my shopping addiction.

The great thing about finally gaining insight into my food addiction is that I also have new insight into my addictions in general. I didn’t abuse food for one reason and compulsively shop for another. It’s all the same shit manifesting itself in multiple (seemingly every) area of my life.

So let’s talk about my current shopping struggles, shall we?

I started a new job in July of this year. It’s a great job and I’m totally blessed. It was a great career move and the work is work that I want to be doing.

So what’s the problem? The problem is that I came in at the busiest time ever and no one has time to train me. When they DO have time to train me, I’m at max busy for a day. Several days pass before I meet with a trainer again. It will not always be this way, but it’s this way now and I’m so fucking bored I could just die.

So how do I alleviate this boredom? I shop on the internet from 9am – 5pm Monday through Friday.

Window shopping is fine. It’s fun to put together fantasy outfits (if you’re me, it’s fun anyway), fantasy furniture designs and browse, browse, browse for the stuff I actually need (when I size down I frequently need to replace the vast majority of my wardrobe).

What ISN’T fine is when I make want-based purchases without clearing them with my husband. He totally busted me last night on the two (TWO) Dooney & Bourke bags that I’ve bought in the last month. Granted, they were a GREAT deal for Dooney & Bourke (or as my husband says, ‘Dooney and Booney’), but I don’t NEED two new handbags let ALONE two new Dooney & Bourke handbags.

Sound like a familiar pattern? I’m unhappy/bored, I eat (shop), I feel good, the food is gone (or the item arrives) and I’m still unhappy/bored. Better eat more (buy something else) so I can feel better again.

Yup. I’ve swapped one addiction for another.

This happened when I had a dramatic weight loss in 2006. I became OBSESSED with shopping and had no idea why. What’s so great about the fact that it’s 2010 and NOT 2006? I now see the CLEAR connection between what I’m using shopping for: I’m using it to avoid feeling what I don’t want to feel (bored and unhappy).

So what do you do if you can’t abuse food, can’t shop compulsively and can’t smoke (I QUIT SMOKING IN JULY 2010!!!)?

There are a few things you can do:

1. Be present and aware.

When browsing online there’s always the risk that I will come across something that seems to be too good of a deal to pass up (case in point, those two handbags). When I find this item that makes my pupils dilate and my heart race it is very easy to be lost in the moment and buy without regard for the impact the purchase will have on our finances (let alone buying without regard for the fact that I don’t actually need anything).

To prevent buyer’s remorse I don’t allow myself to be carried away on a sea of cute handbag adrenaline. When I feel the familiar reactions to a cute item, I stop, remove myself from the situation, make myself wait a day before making the purchase (which waiting ALWAYS prevents from taking place).

Another form of awareness is knowing what I can and cannot handle. I cannot handle browsing the monthly specials at dooney.com. I just can’t. So I don’t do it.

I also prevent myself from making a new purchase by looking at my recent purchases (they’re usually right next to me or on my body) and acknowledging that owning these items did not change anything. Yes, they’re cute, but I’m still looking for more new items to add to the collection so clearly the same will be the case when whatever I’m about to purchase is no longer online but in my possession. Once I own the item, life will be the same. I’ll still be bored at work, but in addition I’ll have the SECONDARY problem of feeling bad about having made a purchase, wasted money, prevented our savings from accumulating as fast as it potentially could, etc.

2. Do something else that isn’t boring.

I work downtown at the end of a one mile stretch of pedestrian only highway. I love walking. I love the season (fall).

It’s very easy for me to steal away for 30 minutes and take a brisk walk. The benefits of this are many since not only am I no longer bored, but I’m moving my body, enjoying the sunshine, taking in the sights/sounds/smells of the city. It’s great!

I totally neglected my blog and this downtime is a great opportunity to update it with everything I’ve learned/am learning.

People use the internet for a lot of things. It isn’t JUST a 24 hour mall. It’s also an amazing resource on ANYTHING you might be interested in knowing about, well, ANYTHING. Best part, using the internet as a resource doesn’t lead to a drained bank account or feelings of guilt.

You get the idea. I have a lot of options and choices that don’t involve spending money. I just have to be CONSTANTLY aware of why I’m doing what I’m doing. Am I abusing food/shopping compulsively/*insert distructive behavior here* as a means to avoid feeling something I don’t want to feel? The answer is always ‘yes’. I just need to pay attention and I can uncover the TRUE motivations for my destructive behavior and address it instead of perpetuating it.

Clothes don't make the woman, but they sure do help

So, there was a time when I was more than just my wardrobe. Since then, my discomfort with my size has continued to be compounded by the fact that I didn't own anything cute (or, more importantly, that I felt cute in).

I have since remedied this issue by spending an obscene amount of money (thanks, performance based bonus!) on new clothes. Sure, there was the high of spending money on cute stuff, but there was another perk that I didn't expect: Feeling good about how I look has inspired me to stick with a healthy eating and exercise plan.

Who knew?

I can do anything

I'm so bored of my dramatic "I'm starting over again" posts, but here is yet another one. Whatever. You only truly fail when you stop trying, right?

The new plan is a four pronged attack being guided by my husband (thanks, honey). Here are the four prongs:

1 - Eat protein at every meal.

2 - Resistance training twice a week.

3 - Cardio thrice a week.

4 - Non-Exercise Physical Activity (NEPA)

I'd never head the term NEPA before, but I was familiar with the concept. NEPA is parking far away from the store, taking the stairs, making multiple trips to take the laundry into the basement (as opposed to trying to carry everything in one trip), etc.

I'm also supposed to take fish oil, a multivitamin, and drink lots of water daily. I keep forgetting the fish oil and vitamin, but I'm incorporating so many changes that I can't be expected to remember everything. It will get more natural as time passes.

So far, so good.

I've decided not to weigh myself. Ever. A disappointing weigh in totally derails me. Instead, we're taking one measurement, every week, and I will use that measurement to "measure" (I'm so witty) my progress. The measurement I've picked is my calf measurement. A high calf measurement is less devastating than a high waist measurement. Not to mention the fact that, once my calves reach a certain size, I can reward myself with a new pair of boots! This measurement gauges my progress and provides me with a goal...I LOVE MULTITASKING!

So that's all the gossip I have for now.

Shopping for maternity clothes

Now don't get all excited. I'm not knocked up. Just fat.

I had to cave in and purchase some non-work clothes. I went to Target and the only plus size clothes that were fashionable were by Liz Lang. For those of you who don't shop at Target, Liz Lang specializes in maternity fashions.

So while I'm not pregnant, I am, in fact, wearing maternity clothes.

I don't know if I should laugh or cry...

I am more than just my wardrobe...

I'm so torn. I have nothing to wear if I'm not in the office or at a formal event. I don't want to buy more fat clothes, but I hate stressing about what to wear when we're not attending a wedding (which we seem to be attending tons of these days).

Since I can't seem to stick to an eating plan (that doesn't involve stuffing my face) for more than a month, I think it's high time I made some additions to my wardrobe. I'd love to spend some money here or here. I really enjoy their clothes. Unfortunately, I don't want to buy just one item, and their clothes (while beautiful) are very pricey.

Last night we were walking around the mall and I was very sad. There were so many stores with so many adorable clothes for humans (not walruses) to wear. It was hard for me because I used to fit into all those cute, little sizes.

God only gives us the gifts that won't control us. Thin always controls me. Fat always controls me, too, and He has no problem giving me that. Smarminess aside, I really wish I could love myself no matter what size I'm wearing.

Even when I'm sticking to an eating plan, I can't help but get excited at the prospect of wearing less-ginormous clothes. I can't help but wonder if that excitement is "thin" controlling me instead of my love for myself controlling me.

I know it's a journey and a process. I think I'm in the middle of learning a lot about God's love for me. There's going to be victories and set backs. I'm just so over the set backs. I want to get my head on straight and not have trouble with food anymore. I want this to go away. I'm so tired. Feeling like this is exhausting. It never goes away. Please, go away.

Shopping for make-up: not stinker at all

My in laws gave me a very generous mall gift certificate for my 30th birthday. I would like to purchase some summer clothes that aren't dresses, but since I'm back on the Weight Watchers band wagon I should hold off on buying clothes for the time being.

Instead, I decided to spend the remainder of the gift certificate (already spent most of it on bedroom decor) at Sephora. If you're not familiar with Sephora, it's the most amazing cosmetics/fragrance/hair care store EVER! I feel in love with Sephora when I lived in VA and was devastated that we had nothing comparable here in Buffalo. I am devastated no longer as they now have a Sephora in the Walden Galleria!

I walked out of there with a teeny, tiny bag containing my bounty. It was amazing to me that $110 of make-up could fit in a bag so tiny. There was room in the bag for more make-up, but we do have a mortgage. Also amazing is how little I bought for that amount. Let's take a look:

- 3 Urban Decay eye shadows : Chopper, Smog, and Half Baked (which I'm sure my husband will refer to as brown, brown, and brown)
- Bare Vitamins "Prime Time" (this makes my foundation go on flawlessly)
- Clinique Almost Lipstick in Black Honey (this purchase actually doesn't count as I was just replacing the Black Honey that I lost around Christmas time)
- Too Faced Lash Injection Mascara

The first thing I did when I got home was run upstairs and put on a full face. It's funny because I'm just going to sit around the house for the rest of the day and play with the dogs (who will not be able to appreciate my flawless foundation, dramatic lashes, the beautiful yet subtle tint on my lips, or the color on my lids).

That's ok. I like it :)

Update

Since my last post my belief in God's love for me has continued to grow. It's pretty amazing how little I have to worry about things like what other's think of me when I'm certain of His love for me.

The benefits have been many:

- My inner critic is all but non-existent.
- I'm kinder to myself and others.
- My fear of failure is lessened.
- My desire to strong arm myself into a certain size are lessened.

Basically, I know God loves me and that makes me OK. Eating well is so much easier to do when I'm not doing it with the sole motivation of being a certain, "acceptable" size. I'm already acceptable :)

That said, Weight Watchers is going really well. I make myself eat all my points each week. Doing that keeps my tendency to be uber-restrictive at bay (and, in the long run, keeps me on track because I'm not starving).

Not doing so well on the smoking front.

I also continue to struggle with my desire for material things. It's not all-encompassing like it used to be, but it's still there. I'd love to buy a new wardrobe, decorate every room of the house, blah, blah, blah...

All things in time, I guess.

I'm all old and wise now.

No I'm not, but I feel like I'm on the right track.

I've always thought the cure for my weight problem was diet and exercise. After much reflection and counseling (and several glasses of wine with my girlfriend), I'm learning that no diet and exercise program will work for me until I fix myself on the inside.

I've lost weight in the past. The reason it's never stayed off is because I've never addressed the issues that drive me to overeat (or drink or smoke or spend too much money). Bottom line: until I learn how to love myself, no amount of diet and exercise is going to keep the weight off.

If I love myself as is, flaws and all, I can stop my inner-critic from taking over and sabotaging my efforts at health. Nothing is going to make me love myself: no amount of weight loss, no outfit, no performance job, no redecorated room. God loves me today, as is, and He wants me to love myself.

I finally want to love myself, too.

And I lived to tell the tale...

Shopping the other day really sucked. Aunt Flo was on the midnight train to Buffalo so it upset me more than it normally would have. Here's the cool thing: I was super sad, but I didn't drown my sadness in food/use food to numb myself.

That is huge.

I was in pain and I allowed myself to experience that pain. More importantly, being sad didn't kill me (something I'm clearly afraid of).

More proof that I am learning how to deal with life.

Shopping sucks when you're fat

When you're gaining weight, you have to buy new clothes. This sucks as shopping is totally unpleasant when you're fat.

Unfortunately, when you're reaching sizes that are proceeded by multiple x's you find your closet void of work-appropriate tarps. So off to the store you go.

Sick of wearing the same 3 stretchy-dresses to work every week, I decided to add one more option to the mix. Lane Bryant has several new cute dresses for spring so that was my destination.

With the hope of purchasing 1 dress, I took 3 into the dressing room. I'll admit, I did find a cute dress; however, it's GINORMOUS! Not on me, of course, because I am also ginormous.

So I bought it and did not feel any of the excitement I used to feel when making purchases as a skinny person.

I've been trying really hard to love myself lately AS IS. No conditions ("I'll love myself when I weigh x"). This is super hard when you're a size 16+ and you KNOW how cute you used to look in clothes size 2/4.

It's a double-edged sword because, while I looked way cuter in clothes as a size 2/4, I totally HATED myself and was miserable. Now I'm a size 16+ and, while not actively miserable every moment of the day, still wish I could love myself.

I'm trying. I'm really, REALLY trying.

I've had a successful first week on Weight Watchers and know that, since I'm not starving/over exercising, this is going to be a VERY LONG journey. I pray for patience and the ability to love myself every step of the way.

Vice is stinker

Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?

Some thoughts:

1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).

Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.

I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.

2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.

3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.

Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...

I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.

I finally have a wedding band!

I've been married for 2.5 years and am just now wearing a wedding band. Here's the gossip:


- My original engagement ring was designed by me based on a Tacori Ring that I LOVED! I decided that I wanted to be different and instead of a diamond solitaire, I wanted a SAPPHIRE solitaire. Here's the Tacori Ring I based my design on:

- I get engaged and realize that, while I'm lucky to be marrying a great guy, I really want a diamond solitaire.

- My fiance agrees to upgrade my ring to a diamond solitaire.

- Several thousand dollars later I have the engagement ring of my dreams but now we can not afford to buy me a wedding band. Oh well, who cares? Right? He'll just give me the engagement ring again come our wedding day.


- Fast forward several months after the wedding. I work with the public and strangers often notice my engagement ring. Since there's no wedding band on my finger I'm asked CONSTANTLY when I'm getting married and it starts to get really old. I purchase a fake bridal set for $20 at Target and these questions cease. Problem solved, right?


- Years go by and I'm sad that my beautiful engagement ring is sitting in my jewelry box while this $20 Target faker set gets all the attention. I start to get a bug up my ass to get a wedding band.


- I find the perfect band for the perfect price online. My husband insists I get it. It's finally arrived and I hate taking off my rings. It's so pretty . Here, ladies and gentleman, is my wedding band:












I LOVE IT!!!!!!!

WE BOUGHT A BEDROOM SET!!!

I'm so excited! You have NO IDEA how long I have wanted a big girl bedroom set. I'm on SUCH a furniture high right now.

Here's a link to our:

Bed, Bedside Tables, Dresser, and Chest.

IT'S SO PRETTY! I CAN'T WAIT FOR IT TO ARRIVE!!!

AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!