Auditions are coming up soon. I knew that and was totally fine with it until I received the email inviting me to callbacks. Now I'm in a big gay panic about auditions.
It's so weird. Suddenly I'm totally inadequate and unacceptable.
I was looking through performance pictures on Facebook of my friends who are frequently cast. It was upsetting. I miss it. I wish I didn't.
I'm not on the scene. I don't hang out with the theater crowd socially. Basically, I'm not networking so I'm not on the radar of the people who make the decisions. I rarely get cast and every year, I audition on the off chance that a job offer will actually come my way. I haven't done a show since 2007 and my track record sucks.
I have no control over it. I never know what they're looking for so I can't automatically assume that they're not looking for me. It would be easier to do that if occasionally they realized that they are, in fact, looking for me.
Showing posts with label Performing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Performing. Show all posts
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
God, I'm a dancer
Last night was a big night for me. I attended my first dance class in 8 years!
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
I grew up dancing and from the time I was 3 took class weekly. As I improved, I practically lived at the studio. When I wasn't taking class, I was assisting the teachers in their non-competition classes. By the time I was 14, I was at the studio 7 days most weeks.
In college I danced almost daily in classes and rehearsals.
After college, the dancing stopped. My busiest years as a professional performer have yielded only 3 shows. I'm almost always cast in musicals, but dancing isn't always required. If it is, rarely do I have to do anything very intense. Years passed and I continued to miss taking dance classes.
The reason I waited so long to get back into a dance class is simple: I don't do recitals. It was so difficult for me to find a studio that didn't require one. I finally stumbled across The Fit Physique. They do an annual informal performance in studio for friends and family only. No recital hall, no costume, nothing. I was sold.
I went to Intermediate Jazz last night. We started off with stretching and some technique work. Man am I rusty. Not only have I lost all my strength and flexibility, I'm carting around WAY more bulk than I did back in my hard-core dancing days. After the technique work came the "across the floor" work. This was our chance to incorporate our technique work into more locomotive movements. This was fun. While I can't kick my face, everything still works pretty much as it used to. It was super fun.
My only critique of the class was all the time wasted on social chatter. I'm paying to take class, not chat. Let's dance (since that's what we're here for) and chat at the bar (not the barre...tee hee hee) afterwards. I'm going to chalk it up to "it was the first week back and everyone was excited to see each other".
Even if the chatter continues, my elation after class far outweighed my annoyance.
I'm going back tonight for Intermediate Tap :)
Monday, June 30, 2008
Hello, Miss Cleo?
When I was 16 I visited a psychic.
Now I'm the first person to tell you that most psychics are full of shit. I think they pick up on cues from their subjects and determine what information the subject would like to hear. This was not the case with Barbara, the woman I saw 14 years ago.
Here's how it went down:
I went to my then piano teacher's house. She was friends with Barbara and was hosting what I guess you could call a psychic party. We all had our appointments with Barbara scheduled and would hang out at the piano teacher's house whilst awaiting our turn.
When it was my turn, I walked into the room where Barbara was giving her readings. To my surprise, she was a normal looking lady. Probably in her 30's, blond (but not un-naturally so), slight build, really friendly.
We sat down at a table, Barbara pressed "record" on her tape recorder (the tape of the session was mine to take with me), took my hands in hers, and started talking to me. The entire first part of the reading was Barbara telling me about me. I said nothing, she did all the talking. Keep in mind, she knew nothing about me. I was at a piano studio that didn't offer voice lessons so she had no reason to know that I was a singer who loved performing in musicals (also note: I wasn't wearing anything that would give that away).
The second part of the reading was question and answer time. I had a bunch of stupid questions (I was only 16) about my immediate future. Over the next several months, all of her answers proved correct.
Here are some interesting, long term predictions she revealed in that session:
I would have 2 opportunities to marry very young. If I took these opportunities, I would have multiple marriages as I wasn't going to marry my forever-husband until my late 20's. (This was totally accurate)
I would have a successful corporate career. I wouldn't be the "head honcho", but I would be pretty high up on the food chain. (also totally accurate)
As I'm sitting here, "enjoying" my successful corporate career, I can't help but think of something else she said:
Even though I would have a successful corporate career, I would still be surrounded by theater. At some point, I would give up the corporate life to pursue theater exclusively.
This has been nagging at me a lot lately. It's a dream of mine to start a small theater company and produce musicals (some plays, too). The mission statement of my company would be to cast based on talent alone. Look would not be important. Not only is this an issue near and dear to my heart, but how often do you see a musical where someone "looks the part" but has no talent? Conversely, how often do you "forgive" a performer for not looking the part when they're super talented? In my experience, I've ALWAYS been forgiven my look (when given the opportunity) because of my talent.
Bottom Line: Audiences forgive me for being fat because I'm talented. Directors/producers never do and I want to change that (for myself and others like me) by becoming the producer.
There are a lot of talented people who aren't always working. I'd love to cast them in the shows I produce. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how this last "prediction" would ever come true.
Maybe I need to find Barbara for a follow up reading.
Now I'm the first person to tell you that most psychics are full of shit. I think they pick up on cues from their subjects and determine what information the subject would like to hear. This was not the case with Barbara, the woman I saw 14 years ago.
Here's how it went down:
I went to my then piano teacher's house. She was friends with Barbara and was hosting what I guess you could call a psychic party. We all had our appointments with Barbara scheduled and would hang out at the piano teacher's house whilst awaiting our turn.
When it was my turn, I walked into the room where Barbara was giving her readings. To my surprise, she was a normal looking lady. Probably in her 30's, blond (but not un-naturally so), slight build, really friendly.
We sat down at a table, Barbara pressed "record" on her tape recorder (the tape of the session was mine to take with me), took my hands in hers, and started talking to me. The entire first part of the reading was Barbara telling me about me. I said nothing, she did all the talking. Keep in mind, she knew nothing about me. I was at a piano studio that didn't offer voice lessons so she had no reason to know that I was a singer who loved performing in musicals (also note: I wasn't wearing anything that would give that away).
The second part of the reading was question and answer time. I had a bunch of stupid questions (I was only 16) about my immediate future. Over the next several months, all of her answers proved correct.
Here are some interesting, long term predictions she revealed in that session:
I would have 2 opportunities to marry very young. If I took these opportunities, I would have multiple marriages as I wasn't going to marry my forever-husband until my late 20's. (This was totally accurate)
I would have a successful corporate career. I wouldn't be the "head honcho", but I would be pretty high up on the food chain. (also totally accurate)
As I'm sitting here, "enjoying" my successful corporate career, I can't help but think of something else she said:
Even though I would have a successful corporate career, I would still be surrounded by theater. At some point, I would give up the corporate life to pursue theater exclusively.
This has been nagging at me a lot lately. It's a dream of mine to start a small theater company and produce musicals (some plays, too). The mission statement of my company would be to cast based on talent alone. Look would not be important. Not only is this an issue near and dear to my heart, but how often do you see a musical where someone "looks the part" but has no talent? Conversely, how often do you "forgive" a performer for not looking the part when they're super talented? In my experience, I've ALWAYS been forgiven my look (when given the opportunity) because of my talent.
Bottom Line: Audiences forgive me for being fat because I'm talented. Directors/producers never do and I want to change that (for myself and others like me) by becoming the producer.
There are a lot of talented people who aren't always working. I'd love to cast them in the shows I produce. Unfortunately, I can't imagine how this last "prediction" would ever come true.
Maybe I need to find Barbara for a follow up reading.
Monday, May 5, 2008
I'm the fattest 30 year old in WNY
Ugh. I really hate being fat. Why won't I do anything about it? Why won't I get this shit under control?
I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...
I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.
I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.
I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.
Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.
I hate auditions.
I was doing well on Weight Watchers for a few weeks. Once things got stressful around here my diet went out the window. Life is ALWAYS going to be stressful. I have to get over it. I want to start again tomorrow (cliche), but in the meantime...
I have fucking auditions tonight. I hate going out in public in general due to my unsightly appearance. I hate fat auditions as much as I would hate having to walk around the mall fat and naked.
I haven't seen any of these people since forever and I'm still fat. I've had 7 months to get some of this weight off . It kills me that I could have easily lost 28lbs in the 7 months that have passed. That would mean I could weigh 168. Not that 168 is thin, but when you're well over 200lbs, 168 is SUPER thin.
I hate that I think 168 is super thin. I hate myself.
Ugh. I hate that I hate myself.
I hate auditions.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Vice is stinker
Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
Update
I have to say, so far I'm very satisfied with the Cheat to Lose diet. I'm only hungry when I wait too long between meals (which can happen when things get crazy at work) and I'm finding that I have no cravings. Coming from a girl who, less than one month ago, couldn't go a single day without a binge, this is a huge accomplishment.
My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.
I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.
I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).
That's all for now.
My show is going really well and I'm super proud to be a part of it. Although I'm in the chorus, I'm having so much fun on stage and feeling quite artistically fulfilled. I'm also proud of myself for how quickly I've learned my music (there's TONS in this show and it's all super wordy). I'm also starting to feel welcomed by my fellow actors. Not that they were unwelcoming before, it's just that now we're creating memories together as opposed to only have past interactions on which to base our current relationships.
I still hate costume fittings, but you can't have it all.
I had another dieter's nightmare last night. In it, I was incessantly munching on some kind of cereal. I think it was Coco Puffs or Count Chocula or something. I've never had Count Chocula before, but the pieces of cereal I was eating were bat-shaped (probably a subconscious nod to the show I'm currently rehearsing).
That's all for now.
Sunday, October 7, 2007
The Dieter's Nightmare
Possibly you've heard of the actor's nightmare? If not, it's a dream that many actor's have involving being on stage and having no clue what show you're in/what your lines are/what the choreography is/you name it.
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
I also frequently have the dieter's nightmare. It's cousin to the actor's nightmare, only in the dieter's nightmare I'm stuffing my face with anything in arm's reach with no regard for the damage I'm doing.
It's funny because I always wake up from the dieter's nightmare thinking I've really cheated on my diet.
I had my first dieter's nightmare last night. I was in some kind of coffee/dessert place making love to any dessert involving caramel. To make this particular dieter's nightmare especially awesome, between mouthfuls the people in my dream kept reminding me how thin I used to be. Nothing like a little guilt to make a cheating dieter feel more spectacular about herself.
I awoke, as I always do, to discover that I had not actually strayed from my diet. That said, I'm finding that today's cravings are more acute than usual. I have no intention of succumbing to my cravings the way dream Champagne did, I just hate spending the day thinking about how much I would enjoy a good binge right now.
Caramel, anyone?
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Why do I perform?
Sometimes I wonder why I perform. This is one of those times.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.
That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.
Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.
Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.
I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.
I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.
This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.
Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.
Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?
WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.
I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.
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