Why do I perform?

Sometimes I wonder why I perform. This is one of those times.

I love to perform, but I rarely get any artistic fulfillment out of the shows I do. I'm always cast as a member of the chorus and I get cast so infrequently that I'm not in a position to turn down roles.

That said, when you're in the chorus, the experience of doing a show is very different. As a chorus member I don't have as much material to learn, you're on stage alot less, you have alot of down time, blah, blah, blah. This does not satisfy my ache to perform. While I can look at the show as a whole and be proud to be a part of it, that's where my satisfaction ends.

Then what DO I get out of it? Sure, it's fun to be on stage, but that's not reason enough to make the huge time commitment that is performing.

Even though my roles are always small, I just love spending time with my theater friends. Well, that used to be true. Sometimes, it still is. I used to spend tons of time with the theater people and felt like they were part of my extended family (or at least a part of my circle of friends). As the years have passed and my performing opportunities have dwindled, I've drifted away from them.

I end up performing once a year with people who work together year round. It puts me in such a weird situation. I'm in a room full of people who are super close with each other, not close with me anymore, but I don't have the benefit of being a stranger. I have history with almost all the cast members. This makes things SO WEIRD! I spend the first few weeks re-auditioning to be their friends. Sometimes I don't make the cut.

I'm also noticing this really strange double standard in our interactions. For some reason it's OK for them to make "we're still super close" level jokes at my expense. I, however, am not allowed this same liberty. I get very strange looks when I treat them the way I'm treated.

This makes for very confusing social situations as I'm being given mixed messages about people's comfort level with me. It's like this: it's okay for you to try to make out with me, but when I try to make out with you, you're totally offended that I crossed the line.

Maybe it will get better. Probably not. At least I'm getting paid.

Where does this fit into the whole weight loss theme of this blog?

WELL...the last time they all saw me I was super thin. Now I'm fat. I'm CONFIDENT that this has been hot gossip and it KILLS me. It hurts me that I know they're talking ABOUT me (at my expense) instead of being concerned and talking TO me. I mean, I've spent summers away from friends and found them much heavier come fall. The fact that a friend had gained weight didn't inspire me to make fun of that friend. Their weight was a CLEAR INDICATOR to me that something in their life was amiss. If they'd showed up drunk or really thin or altered in any way, I'd make the same concern-based assessments and inquiries.

I guess it's just more fun to gossip about the fat girl.