So how do you gain 85lbs in 10 months?

Well, I'll tell you.

There are several factors that contributed to this particular weight gain:

1 - I HATED my job. I started taking Zoloft in February of 2007 to deal with my job-hatred-induced depression. I actually had to call in sick once because I was so tearful I couldn't function. Of course, that's not the excuse I gave my then employers. I only want y'all to know how crazy I really am.

As the months progressed and my hatred increased, I started to bribe myself with food. Every time I wanted to call in (which was literally every business day), I would promise myself a treat if I got out of bed. The treat usually involved the Starbucks that I only passed on my drive to work. Once at the office, I would use food to nurse me through my day.

2 - I just can't get a break in the theater community.

I've been a performer my entire life. Danced in my youth, Show Choir and musicals in high school, Musical Theater Major in College, and so on and so forth. My weight has ALWAYS been an issue. My weight fluctuations date back to high school when I'd lose weight in the summer while performing and put a few pounds back on in the winter. I would also get CONSTANT reinforcement from the people I worked with/for about how fabulous my body was when I was thin. The message was clear: thin actress = good, fat actress = bad.

In my adult career, many important people blew enough smoke up my ass to make me believe that they'd actually cast me if the weight came off. This promise was my driving motivator to lose the weight this last go-around.

Too bad once the weight came off, I still didn't get cast. I became VERY discouraged and was no longer able to starve myself in the name of theater.

3 - I became completely obsessed.

When I was thin, I was a horrible person. My inner voice was SO CRITICAL. I judged everyone, thought I was better than everyone, but strangely enough, this false sense of confidence was a house of cards that would collapse when a thinner girl entered the room. Suddenly, in her presence, she was the better person and I was nothing. Pretty healthy, right?

I HATED the thoughts that went through my head. The constant self-doubt. The constant self-judgments. Not to mention the fact that no matter how much weight I lost I was NEVER thin enough. Every mile stone I reached was not a cause for celebration but a reason to adjust my goal weight to a lower number.

Never being good enough and never being thin enough was COMPLETELY EXHAUSTING! I had to focus on how to make myself good enough and thin enough all day. This left very little time for other, less destructive thoughts.

4 - When I fell, I fell HARD

I had been so restrictive for so long and it had gotten me nowhere! I was thin and that was supposed to make life perfect but I was still working at a job that I hated, still too fat, still not better than every other woman, still not talented, and still not intimate with my husband (topic for another post). Thin hadn't delivered the goods and that was an unacceptable reward for all my months of extreme restriction.

When I was "dieting", 6 days/week I would consume 700-1,000 calories/day. On the 7th day, I would binge. Gradually I became unable to limit my binges to the 7th day. Then I would binge to feel better about binging. Which leads me to...

5 - I eat so I don't have to feel

I believe that emotions are lethal and must be avoided at all costs. To avoid feeling, I eat. This gives me the instant gratification of not having felt an emotion.

While I may have dodged an immediate bullet, I feel super bad about myself after my food high wears off.

Oh, no! I don't want to feel bad about myself as I sit here wiping crumbs off my chin! Better eat more. That will make me feel better (Champagne goes to the fridge and eats more).Phew, that was close. Wait a second...now I feel even worse! I don't want to feel even worse. Better keep eating. And so on, and so forth.

Rinse and repeat for 10 months and you too can gain 85lbs.