My Journal

I was reading through my journal last night and it offered some additional insight on my mental state last year (when I was "dieting" and getting super thin).

1 - I was fucking crazy.

In the journal, I often expressed that I was concerned about my restrictive eating habits but was afraid to stop. If that's not a red flag...
I also talked about the dueling voices in my head. One was telling me to ease up and the other was telling me that if I didn't eat 1,000 calories/day or less that I was being weak. As I read that, I remembered those voices (my counselor calls them my "inner-critic") and how torn I was between them. I wanted to help myself but viewed anything other than starvation as a sign of weakness. No wonder I couldn't keep that "diet" up.

2 - I was concerned with all things superficial.

Ok, I still like me a nice new outfit and new furniture. However, when I was starving myself I shopped compulsively. I became obsessed with fitting into smaller and smaller sizes and would often go to the mall to see if that "goal" piece of clothing fit yet. Once it did, I'd buy it and set new goals. Oh yeah, and I bought a ton of other shit, too.

3 - I was having alot of trouble sleeping.

I would wake up in the middle of the night to racing thoughts. Eventually I'd get up and get them on paper. They were always thoughts about how great life would be when I was thin. I clearly had the idea that thin had a payout. That payout never came.

Ok, so what did I learn from this trip into crazy, thin Champagne's brain? This time I'm losing weight with no expectations. When the weight comes off I won't get more performance roles, I won't win anyone's admiration, I won't be better than anyone and my life won't be perfect. I'll still be Champagne with all of Champagne's problems, only thinner.

But I can't lie - it will be nice to fit into those awesome clothes again.