Carrying so much weight.

I'm so unhappy and I don't understand why. As I've fallen back into not-so-old bad habits, I'm realizing that I prefer (at least on some level) to stumble through life medicating my unhappiness.

I don't even TRY (for any extended period of time) to live a clean life because then I have nothing to get me through my day. Nothing to distract me from who I am and what I've become. I hate this person. I do nothing but think about how I hate being this way.

Then, when things get too unpleasant, I reach for my familiar distractions. I know I'm doing it. I feel myself falling from grace. I don't stop myself. To be numb is such a familiar place. My safe place.

But I am not nurtured when I'm numb. As soon as the "high" wears off (and I'm finding there's no longer a high, only a short period of distraction), I feel just as low as before I reached for comfort. Often even lower.

I know before I numb myself that this process will not lead to happiness, but I am so unhappy that I can't stop myself. That's not true. I can do anything. I won't stop myself because being without ANY comfort is an unbearable thought. If I cannot medicate my pain, what will I do? Feel it? I feel it all day long. I only seek a moment's peace. That is why I want to be numb. I want peace.

I would never end my life. There are too many things I love about this life to let my pain win absolutely. However, I can understand why people do. There comes a time when the pain is so great that all I want is quiet. That is one of the reasons why people, in my opinion, take their lives. They wish for peace.