...but not as stinker as being pregnant.
LET'S GIVE IT UP FOR CRAMPS!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Monday, January 7, 2008
OA - nothing stinker about it.
After that HUGE therapy session, I still decided to go to an OA meeting. I'm so glad I did. My husband, being the amazing pillar of support that he is, wanted to go, too. While he doesn't suffer from personal food issues, he DEFINITELY suffers from my personal food issues.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
From an organizational standpoint, I was very impressed with OA. They have a schedule for each meeting and they stick to it: so much time devoted to business, so much time devoted to sharing, everyone helps clean up the coffee station, and we go on our merry way.
From a personal standpoint, the meeting was amazing (and quite emotionally overwhelming). To hear everyone's stories and to be able to relate to all of them was so wonderful. In my experiences to date, no one understands what it's like to be obsessed with food. These people do.
OA follows the same 12 step program that AA does. What I like is that the first step is admitting that I'm powerless over food and that I'll never stop this destructive behavior on my own. I have to surrender to a higher power and allow Him to do the driving.
Now, higher power can mean whatever you like. I'm a Christian and my higher power is God. I can't help but think that this is an amazing opportunity for me to really get to know God, to trust Him, and to fully surrender all control to Him.
God uses all things, good and bad, to bring us to Him.
I'm feeling hopeful that I'm on the road to recovery.
Therapy - You should be in it, too.
Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
Recap:
- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.
- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.
- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.
- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).
What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.
My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.
Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.
I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).
Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Champagne is a mess.
Haven't had much to add lately as it would be post after post of the same shit: I hate myself, I can't stop eating, I hate going out into public, blah, blah, blah...
Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.
Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.
Wanna' keep reading about how I eat to avoid thinking about how much I hate myself? Yeah, me neither. That's why I'm going to look into going here in the new year. Overeaters AND anorexics are welcome! Bottom line, this girl needs her some professional help.
Not to get all lifetime movie on you, but I was laying in bed last night praying for God to fix me. I want to be content and confident. That's my prayer. If you pray for me, please ask Him for that on my behalf. It would be much appreciated as this mess needs all the help she can get.
Sunday, December 9, 2007
Vice is stinker
Food, alcohol, cigarettes, shopping...I use these vices to dull pain and to feed unfulfilled personal hungers. Since I'm turning to them so frequently as of late, there's clearly a deeper issue. What am I really hungry for? What pain am I trying to dull?
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Some thoughts:
1 - I'm hungry for intimacy with my husband. This is always a struggle. While there's a ton of love and tenderness in our marriage, there isn't much marital intimacy. Why? Well, there's always a reason why: the dogs sleep in our bed, the dogs demand our attention, someone is sick, someone is injured, we're too tired, we're too busy, I'm in a show, he's out of town for work, we have company in from out of town, the list goes on (and on).
Months have frequently passed where we've lived together not as husband and wife, but as brother and sister. No one is to blame and everyone is to blame. We just can't seem to get it together.
I get very sad about this on a regular basis. What makes me even sadder is that every couple I know seems to have no difficulty in this area. Case in point, friends of ours who have several children (and children are just as demanding as pugs) always seem to be getting pregnant. CLEARLY those babies didn't make themselves.
2 - I'm trying to dull the pain of my self-loathing. I hate what I see in the mirror. I have to look at it everyday (often multiple times). The pain is fresh and sharp each time I see that person in the mirror. Her face is so fat, her hair is so terrible, her skin isn't always that great, her clothes don't look nice (but how could clothes look nice on such a large body?). I'm sure my opinion of myself is another contributing factor in the marital intimacy situation.
3 - I'm hungry to perform. I'm trying to feed this hunger, but I'm constantly thwarted. I never get cast so I took matters into my own hands and tried to start a jazz band, one-vocalist-and-a-piano, lounge act kind of thing. I found a great accompanist who flaked out on me after a month or so of rehearsal. Then my unfulfilling show started rehearsals and I had to put the jazz band on the back burner. Now I'm back in touch with my accompanist and we're going to give it another try in the new year. Hopefully this will help satisfy my hunger to perform, but I'm not getting my hopes up in case the bottom drops out again.
Do food, alcohol, cigarettes, and shopping satisfy me? Yes. They are instantly gratifying and they deliver every time. Unfortunately, this feeling is very short lived and I have to constantly chase it. Eat more food, spend more money, smoke more cigarettes, have another drink...
I wish I could just live with the pain and the hunger but I can't. I try. I really do, but I'm not that strong.
Tuesday, December 4, 2007
Feeling fat AND stinker
So I'm the fattest girl in WNY.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
My diet and exercise resolve are slipping/non-existent. I'm just super discouraged.
What's contributing to this discouragement? Well:
1 - After 2 months of commitment, I fit into a size 14. How is that supposed to be motivating? Fat people wear size 14's.
2 - I'm really sick of my diet food. I can't look at cottage cheese, yogurt, veggie burgers, chicken sausage, oatmeal-mixed-with-protein-powder (yeah, it's as good as it sounds), etc. Right now I'm super attracted to salads and sushi so I guess I should just go with that.
3 - I have no motivation to workout. When I do workout, I never "get into it" so getting myself through a workout is like pulling my own teeth. Think about a project you're putting off because you have no desire to start it, and then multiply that by 1,000 and then you'll understand my lack of desire to workout.
4 - I just hate everything about my physical appearance. My body is so ugly, my hair is so ugly, my face is so fat, I hate the clothes I fit into, I never feel like I look cute, ugh. It's bad.
I feel like "it's a lost cause, so what's the point?"
Yeah. I should be a motivational speaker.
Monday, November 26, 2007
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