Therapy - You should be in it, too.

Therapy was HUGE last night. Counselor said it was the best session we've ever had.

Recap:

- I'm sad lately and have no idea why: I love my job, things are good at home, we have more financial freedom...I thought these things would make me happy.

- Now that I'm not distracted by outside forces making me miserable (work, theater, whatever), the stuff rotting me from the inside is able to come to the surface.

- I have no idea what is eating me up inside, but whatever it is, I'm trying DESPERATELY not to feel it. That's why I'm eating/smoking compulsively.

- I have such a messed up relationship with food/being thin/being fat, and it all goes back to whatever is rotting on my insides. It's a vicious cycle (I hate being fat, but I hate being thin, and I don't want to feel anything).

What's cool is this is where real change can start. Now we have work to do to figure out what it is I'm trying so hard not to feel. What's crazy is, I'm so accustomed to not feeling that I don't know HOW to feel.

My homework, make "feeling" a pleasant experience (just to get me back into feeling). I'm supposed to concentrate on pleasant things (touching my dogs, soft fabrics, whatever nice thing I happen to be touching) and really pay attention, in real time, to what those things feel like as I'm touching them.

Crazy, I know, but I'm so disconnected from my feelings that we have to start somewhere.

I have NO IDEA what I've buried, but it's ready to start its' ascent to the surface. I have to help it or I'll never be free from my food obsession (as the 2 are somehow linked).

Phew! At least I'm actively trying to alleviate my crazy.